From 993a397a12db04e4fcdebc73ba4f2dda15ea4bc4 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: s0nata Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2019 15:40:56 +0100 Subject: [PATCH] suggestion for modernization: no more 'stupid blonde' jokes --- fortune-mod/datfiles/drugs | 8 -- fortune-mod/datfiles/food | 6 -- fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women | 4 +- .../datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions | 3 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick | 6 -- .../datfiles/off/unrotated/miscellaneous | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics | 2 - fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles | 94 ------------------- 8 files changed, 2 insertions(+), 123 deletions(-) diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/drugs b/fortune-mod/datfiles/drugs index 9656c82..7d3c587 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/drugs +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/drugs @@ -946,14 +946,6 @@ The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes the worst cigars. -- H. L. Mencken % -The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh -restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, -dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She -sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, -then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. -A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned -to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." -% The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it. -- Winston Churchill diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/food b/fortune-mod/datfiles/food index 30e25a4..99f713b 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/food +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/food @@ -257,12 +257,6 @@ Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. % Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. -- Jack Benny -% - "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary -of her blonde companion. - "Fishing through the ice," she replied. - "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" - "Olives." % How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by a waiter at a nice party? diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women b/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women index 0ef7694..331e343 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/men-women @@ -259,11 +259,11 @@ Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. -- Plutarch % A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. -As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible +As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young women in a red convertible eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn under the kilt?" He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you -SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did +SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the woman replied yes, she did really want to know. The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions index e4509eb..63d16fa 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/definitions @@ -142,9 +142,6 @@ California: "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran, Covina, California % -callgirl, n: - A negotiable blonde. -% Camille's Axiom: If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick index 17177ec..ec1f753 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/limerick @@ -1217,12 +1217,6 @@ She used it for many a bunt. It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, To get the thing out of her cunt. % -A weary old lecher named Blott -Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. - Too lazy to rape her, - He made darts out of paper, -Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. -% A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base drum with his cock. With a special erection diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/miscellaneous b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/miscellaneous index d2599df..51cd0e6 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/miscellaneous +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/miscellaneous @@ -256,8 +256,6 @@ cut her wrists. The moral of the story: The ugly duckling makes a dandy meal. Dig in. % -A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. -% SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! details at 11! % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics index e6973b1..8d4c65d 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/politics @@ -1266,8 +1266,6 @@ Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he forgets? am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." -- Ronald Reagan % -Teddy Kennedy: A Blonde in Every Pond! -% Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. -- Adolf Hitler % diff --git a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles index a33cf2d..8cd698a 100644 --- a/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles +++ b/fortune-mod/datfiles/off/unrotated/riddles @@ -46,21 +46,6 @@ live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask if he recognizes the label. % -FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 - -You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be -your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into -the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention -to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone -in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as -his daughter. Your next move is to: - - (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. - (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. - (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the - daughter and get her number. - (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. -% FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives @@ -248,10 +233,6 @@ Hear about... the guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. % -Hear about... - the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his - assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? -% Hear about... the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? @@ -674,17 +655,6 @@ Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? A: Your bicycle. % -Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? -A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until - they go down on you. - -Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? -A: You can park in the handicapped zone. - -Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw - puzzle in only 6 months? -A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". -% Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? A: They both like a tight seal. % @@ -701,15 +671,6 @@ A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? A: Rule the country. % -Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? -A: An interpreter. - -Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? -A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. - -Q: What do you call ten blondes in a row? -A: A wind tunnel. -% Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. @@ -781,15 +742,6 @@ Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in the other hand? A: One hell of a big moth! % -Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? -A: She goes home. - -Q: Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? -A: To keep her neck warm. - -Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? -A: Tell her a joke on Friday. -% Q: What goes Click. "Did I get it?" Click. "Did I get it?" @@ -824,15 +776,6 @@ A: Snowballs! Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? A: Her bowling shoes. % -Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? -A: I think I'm drunk. - -Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? -A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! - -Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? -A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" -% Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? A: Mu. % @@ -870,16 +813,6 @@ A: The guy he got it from. Q: What's red and covered with little dents? A: Snow White's cherry. % -Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? -A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B - L - O - uhh ... ah ... oh well.. - I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... - -Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? -A: Artificial intelligence. - -Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? -A: Shine a flashlight in her ear. -% Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? A: About three inches. % @@ -978,15 +911,6 @@ Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary Jo Kopechne drowned? A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? % -Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? -A: To see what was on the other side. - -Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? -A: More head room. - -Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? -A: She opens the car door. -% Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? A: He couldn't help it. @@ -1041,15 +965,6 @@ A: It scares the dogs! Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? A: The leash goes slack. % -Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? -A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. - -Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? -A: To keep their ankles warm. - -Q: How do you kill a blonde? -A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. -% Q: Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? A: Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. % @@ -1057,15 +972,6 @@ Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and gang-rejected her. % -Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? -A: It takes too long to retrain them. - -Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? -A: All the blondes have gone home! - -Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? -A: There's white-out on the screen. -% Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" -- 2.40.0