March 05, 2004 (fortune-mod-1.99.1)
Most of the changes have occured at some point in time in the last
- 5 years.
+ 5 years.
A high number of spelling, punctuation, formatting and grammar
fixes.
Internationalisation support.
- New -c option to see which file a fortune came from.
-
+ New -c option to see which file a fortune came from.
+
August 29, 1997
Incorporated a couple of minor changes made in the (old) Debian
of fortune, and then see how difficult it would be to add termcap/terminfo
enhancements to fortune itself--I don't anticipate serious problems, but
I'd rather go ahead and get this on the net.
-
+
A last-minute change was made to the way that percentages are displayed
with -f; it is now in the format nnn.nn%. The reason for this is that
with the multiplication of small files, fortune -af displayed a large
Mid-October '95
Another utility, ansify, now compiles; it has not been tested at all, so
it may not work even slightly.
-
+
Ansify is a rather stupid program, all things considered, but the work on
it does raise an interesting possibility for an enhanced fortune. At
present, the fortune databases contain x^Hy sequences for underline and
A new parameter to fortune, -n, which permits you to specify the length
at which to break between long (-l) and short (-s) fortunes.
-
+
fortune -f now shows probabilities.
-
+
A bug: fortune -a nn% filename filename ... now fails without an error
message, if the filename named following the percentage exists in both
the inoffensive and the offensive directories (that is, if you have two
a percentage with -a and inoffensive/offensive files that share a name.
Temporary workaround: rename one or the other of the files (*sigh* I
don't like that as a solution).
-
+
The man pages have been updated. The old man pages are also available,
but are not installed unless you do it yourself (the new ones are). The
- new man pages have the extension .man; the old ones have numeric
+ new man pages have the extension .man; the old ones have numeric
extensions.
-
+
A place has been created for fortune files containing HTML tags (the
reason I started playing with this mess was because I wanted to be
able to format fortunes nicely for the web without having to run an
if stderr is redirected into the file, you end up with filenames marking
the separation between files (as before), but they are now valid text
strings (which should probably, therefore, be deleted).
-
+
In other words, if you don't care what files the original text came from,
and want a new file containing (let us say), quotes from Mark Twain,
you might do:
fortune -am '-- Mark Twain' &>twain
or
fortune -am '-- Mark Twain' >twain 2>&1
-
+
[The above is now in the man page, more or less]
-
+
Late September, 1995
Too many changes to mention, really. Look at the source code for
comments on individual files. LINUX.DIF has been removed.
-
+
It is worth noting that strfile was completely broken as distributed,
and fortune had code to make it report a different file list than the
one it used to retrieve fortunes. There's some rather strong language
on the subject in strfile.c; if it offends you, tough.
-
+
Bugs were fixed, and some enhancements were added. Unstr, in
particular, has had its command line considerably enhanced. Strfile
now *really does* sort, instead of merely setting the 'sorted' flag.
Ditto for randomizing.
-
+
Noteworthy: the way to distinguish between offensive and non-offensive
files has changed for fortune. A second directory (which may be a
subdirectory of the main fortune directory; the program doesn't
- add files recursively down a directory tree) has been added to
+ add files recursively down a directory tree) has been added to
pathnames.h. Offensive files should be placed there. There is no
longer any need to add the -o suffix to file names, and the problems
with finding files (especially offensive ones) seem to have
disappeared in the process.
-
+
Currently, I'm working on breaking the fortune files themselves into
smaller, more manageable pieces, checking spelling, punctuation, and
- grammar, and trying to reduce redundancy. The eventual goal, after
+ grammar, and trying to reduce redundancy. The eventual goal, after
the files are cleaned up, is another set of files carrying HTML tags,
which would then massively simplify a CGI script that calls fortune.
New Makefiles.
-
+
A 'randstr' (I want to call it 'lottery,' but I won't) utility, which
amounts to a poor woman's stripped-down fortune, to illustrate some
other possible uses of strfile-type random-access strings files.
-
+
Amy A. Lewis alewis@email.unc.edu
strfile(8) for more information on creating the data files.
Fortunes are split into potentially offensive and not potentially
offensive parts. The offensive version of a file has the same name as the
-non-offensive version but exists in the offensive fortunes directory
+non-offensive version but exists in the offensive fortunes directory
(/usr/local/share/games/fortune/off by default). The fortune program
automatically assumes that any file in the offensive fortune directory
is potentially offensive, and should therefore only be displayed if
Exercise.
men-women : And the relations between them.
miscellaneous : Whatever's left over.
-news : On journalism, and the unintentionally amusing bits of
+news : On journalism, and the unintentionally amusing bits of
journalism.
people : You know, humans. Personality, appearance, relationships,
and all the other evilness of which humans are capable.
miscellaneous : It has everything that doesn't fit in other categories.
misogyny : Jokes that women encounter as real attitudes daily. Real
attitudes that women have to pretend are jokes daily.
-politics : The great wonder about the offensive political file is
+politics : The great wonder about the offensive political file is
that it mostly contains direct quotes by politicians
who *weren't* trying to be funny.
privates : No, not promoted recruits. The naughty bits, that people
"That's dynamite, baby."
-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
%
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
%
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
-- Jimmy Hoffa
%
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
%
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever jackrabbits get in
the way. After that you chase off into the brush after them.
%
-During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot at
The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
- It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
+ It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years,
you know."
%
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%
-Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
-smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?
+Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
+you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
-- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-- Spike Milligan
%
- Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
+ Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
My best argument against discrimination is quite simple:
"That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much
taller."
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
- "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
+ "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
"Oh my God," screamed Mommy, "You went and ate the Baby."
-"What baby?" asked Daddy. "You know that's just the last of the leftover
+"What baby?" asked Daddy. "You know that's just the last of the leftover
donkey."
"Donkey, my ass!" said Mommy with some sentience. "Do you think I don't
Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
- "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
-blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
+ "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
+blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
-- in #debian-devel
%
< Overfiend> MFen: but if you have the awesome manliness to cleanly
- implement this missing feature, it will probably be
+ implement this missing feature, it will probably be
accepted.
< Overfiend> you'd be so manly you'd have to rent a wheelbarrow to cart
your balls around
bi, n:
When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
%
-Big Toe:
+Big Toe:
The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
%
coyote love, n:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
+ the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
+ on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
coyote ugly, adj:
"polytetien," a person of two or more faces.
-- Martin Pitt
%
-Pompoir:
+Pompoir:
-The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
+The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
most amount of trouble.
-- John Barrymore
%
-Showerbath:
+Showerbath:
Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
VD, n.:
The gift that keeps on giving.
%
-Viennese Oyster:
+Viennese Oyster:
Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course.
When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put
direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
-- John L. Shelton
%
-Woman is:
+Woman is:
finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like hell
and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is
%
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isaiah
-
+
Smoke a friend today!
%
All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
Turn on, tune in, and take over.
-- Tim Leary
%
- "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
-and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
-trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
-in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
-predatory.
- The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
-at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
+ "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
+predatory.
+ The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
+at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-- William Burroughs
%
told, "that one is 150,000."
"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
-do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
-while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
+while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
-that he had ever eaten.
+that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
"Ma femme est morte."
"O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
%
- An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
+ An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
-Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
+Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
- An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
-man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
+ An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
+man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
- "My name is Mary," said the woman.
- "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
+ "My name is Mary," said the woman.
+ "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
- "Your reason for going there?"
+ "Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
- "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
+ "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
-give you $10 for a blow job."
+give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
-Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
+Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
-fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
+and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
+The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
+fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
+wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
+sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
-to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
+to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
+you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
+at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
%
One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
%
Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
- "I am told a pogrom is being prepared against the Jews and the
+ "I am told a pogrom is being prepared against the Jews and the
barbers," replies Rosenberg.
"Why the barbers?"
"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave."
-- Arthur Naiman
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
-a bar having a few drinks together.
+a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
just go fuck myself?"
%
-Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
+Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
- The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
+ The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
- After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
+ After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
- The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
-exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
+ The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
+exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
-the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
+the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"
%
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
-more than a year.
+A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
+more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
- Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
+ Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
+daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
-as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
+on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
+as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
serious.
%
"Hello, Police Department."
- "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
+ "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
-couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
+couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
+Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
- The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
+ The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
+Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
+overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
- Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
+ Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
- "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
+ "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
+Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- the pervertible.
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
- Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
+ Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
%
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU MEET A QUEER PERSON:
HINTS FOR HETEROSEXUALS
-
-
+
+
1. Do not run screaming from the room. This is rude.
-
+
2. If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.
-
+
3. Do not assume she/he is attracted to you.
-
+
4. Do not assume he/she is not attracted to you.
-
+
5. Do not assume that you are not attracted to her/him.
-
+
6. Do not expect him/her to be as excited about meeting a straight
person as you may be about meeting a queer person.
-- ae606@freenet.carleton.ca (Victoria Edwards)
But the unlucky wench
Got it caught in her trench ---
It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
-To get the thing out of her cunt.
+To get the thing out of her cunt.
%
A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
- This embarassed her lover
+ This embarassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too."
%
-There was a young harlot named Schwartz
+There was a young harlot named Schwartz
Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
And they tickled so nice
She drew a high price
The cheeks of her ass were so fat
That they had to be parted
Whenever she farted,
-And also whenever she shat.
+And also whenever she shat.
%
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
Who said, "It is just what I feared!
Two owls and a hen,
Four larks and a wren
-Have all built their nests in my beard!"
+Have all built their nests in my beard!"
%
There was an old person of Ware
Who had an affair with a bear.
When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
Slipped forward and grabbed
Her tresses and stabbed
-Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
+Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
-- Edward Gorey
%
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you. So I'll put
%
To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
- He constructed a bed
+ He constructed a bed
Out of tree trunks and said,
"Even adders can multiply on a log table."
%
-A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea
+A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea
on the net.
-- David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C
%
<Overfiend> "Oxford University has joined with IBM and the UK
Government to build a sophisticated computing Grid based
on the open standards of Linux that will enable early
- screening and diagnosis of breast cancer...." Press
+ screening and diagnosis of breast cancer...." Press
release within.
<Overfiend> In gratitude, the women of the world should all let Linux
developers fondle their breasts, and the lactating ones
%
No, I'd rather look for porn.
- -- Debian Project Leader Martin Michlmayr, when asked to do some
+ -- Debian Project Leader Martin Michlmayr, when asked to do some
real work
%
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
- "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
+ "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
"What did you do?"
"What *could* I do? I married his daughter."
%
- I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
+ I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar?
+by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
-- by Anne Frank
A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
-%
+%
-- St. John Chrysostom, 304-407.
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
-upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
+upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
-Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
+Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women.
Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
-- Noel Coward
%
-Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
+Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
%
That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is
yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the
feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT?
-- Sigmund Freud
-
+
[*Which* woman? This sort of *stupid* question should, I suppose, be
expected from the man who invented the mind-bogglingly unbelievable
concept of 'penis envy' to explain the behavior of half of mankind.]
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
+catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
R: "We take tanks."
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.
- "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a
+the happiness of life.
+ "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a
wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching
Monday Night Football," the American said.
"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
+shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last.
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
- "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
+ "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
organization.
The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
- Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
+ Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
%
Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
"That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
"Malignant."
%
-A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
+A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
+particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
+man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
+fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
+felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
+"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
%
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
-cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
+The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
+cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
+in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
+the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
+she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
+response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
+ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
+I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
- "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
+ "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
"Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
%
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
-desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
-decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
-and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
+stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
+looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
+stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
+desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
+one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
+decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
+and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
-erection.
+erection.
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
The whole white race is a monster who is always hungry, and what he
-eats is land. Chiksika, (Shawnee)
+eats is land. Chiksika, (Shawnee)
%
weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
-of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
+of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
-be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
-going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
+be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
+going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
%
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
%
-If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like
+If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like
a taco?
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
(12) A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
(13) A beer tastes good.
(14) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
- (15) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
+ (15) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
quarterback.
(16) You don't have to let a beer win.
(17) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
%
-A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
+A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
- "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
+ "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?"
+hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
%
-A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
+A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
+asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
- The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
+ The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
+silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
+staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers."
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%
-A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
+A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
+They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
+love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my
AC/DC is a rock band.
-- Bisexuality, 101
%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
+Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
- "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
+girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
+ "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
+his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
could have been killed!"
%
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
%
-Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
+Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
+Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
+subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
+sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
- Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
+ Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
+blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
+Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
+replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%
Bi now, gay later!
%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
+Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
+discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
+can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
-Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
+Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
- "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
-night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
-times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
+ "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
+night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
+times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%
-"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?"
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-- Grace Slick
%
-During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
+During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
-Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
- He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
+Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
+blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
+while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
+to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
+pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
+ He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
-protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
- Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
+protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
+tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
+ Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
+tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake
%
-Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
+Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
+obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
+floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
- The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
+ The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
+all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
+girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
- "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
+ "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
- "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
+ "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
and cook.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
+For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was raised!
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
%
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
%
- "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular
activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
+foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
+another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and
complete continence.
-You know ...
+You know ...
rhythm and blues.
%
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
-you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
+"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
+and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
+bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
+his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
+It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
+began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
+rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
+however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
+morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
+the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
+enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
+shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
+you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
+toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
- The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
+ The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
+dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
- One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
+the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
+ One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
+tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
+feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
+but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
+participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
- Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
+ Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!"
+load!"
%
There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
%
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
-Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
-better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
+Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
+better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
%
Tri Delts; everyone else has.
%
-Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
+Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
- The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
+ The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
+This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban'?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
- Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
+ Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
-Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
+Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
- "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
+ "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
-- Boccaccio
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
%
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
+elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%
-Jack and Jill
+Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
%
Love's Drug
-My love is like an iron wand
+My love is like an iron wand
That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium
+My love is like the valium
That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch
+My love is like the pint of scotch
That I drink when I be dry;
And I shall love thee still, my dear,
Until my wife is wise.
and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor...
None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is.
%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap
+My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man
+I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me
+And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
+"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
A brand-new store just opened its door
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
-- "Plunderer's Theme," to the tune of
- "Supercaligragilisticexpialidocius"
+ "Supercaligragilisticexpialidocius"
%
Posterity will ne'er survey
A nobler grave than this;
Stop, traveler, and piss.
-- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh
%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
+Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
-When I need something
+When I need something
To help me unwind
I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
%
-Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
+Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
+a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
- The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
+ The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap.
+court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done.
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
-Life is like a cucumber --
+Life is like a cucumber --
one moment it's in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it
ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
-Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
+Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
+the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
+mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
+noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
+hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
+the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
+lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
+asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
+the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
+said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
+this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
- They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
+ They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
%
MERYL STREEP is my obstetrician!
%
-MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
+MMM-MM!! So THIS is BIO-NEBULATION!
%
Mmmmmm-MMMMMM!! A plate of STEAMING PIECES of a PIG mixed with the
shreds of SEVERAL CHICKENS!! ... Oh BOY!! I'm about to swallow a
Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!! And I'm looking for a way to
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!
%
-Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
+Well, I'm INVISIBLE AGAIN ... I might as well pay a visit to the LADIES
ROOM ...
%
Well, O.K. I'll compromise with my principles because of EXISTENTIAL DESPAIR!
.SH NAME
fortune \- print a random, hopefully interesting, adage
.SH SYNOPSIS
-.BR fortune " [" -acefilosw "] [" -n
+.BR fortune " [" -acefilosw "] [" -n
.IR length "] ["
-.B -m
+.B -m
.IR pattern "] [[" n% "] " file/dir/all ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
When
.TP
.B -a
Choose from all lists of maxims, both offensive and not. (See the
-.B -o
+.B -o
option for more information on offensive fortunes.)
.TP
.B -c
print a fortune.
.TP
.B -l
-Long dictums only. See
+Long dictums only. See
.B -n
on how ``long'' is defined in this sense.
.TP
The fortunes are output to standard output, while the names of the file
from which each fortune comes are printed to standard error. Either or
both can be redirected; if standard output is redirected to a file, the
-result is a valid fortunes database file. If standard error is
+result is a valid fortunes database file. If standard error is
.I also
-redirected to this file, the result is
+redirected to this file, the result is
.IR "still valid" ,
.B but there will be ``bogus''
-.BR fortunes ,
+.BR fortunes ,
i.e. the filenames themselves, in parentheses. This can be useful if you
wish to remove the gathered matches from their original files, since each
filename-record will precede the records from the file it names.
on which fortunes are considered ``short''.
.TP
.B -i
-Ignore case for
+Ignore case for
.IR -m
patterns.
.TP
read before the screen is cleared.
.PP
The user may specify alternate sayings. You can specify a specific
-file, a directory which contains one or more files, or the special word
+file, a directory which contains one or more files, or the special word
.I all
which says to use all the standard databases. Any of these may be
-preceded by a percentage, which is a number
+preceded by a percentage, which is a number
.I n
-between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
+between 0 and 100 inclusive, followed by a
.IR % .
-If it is, there will be a
+If it is, there will be a
.I n
percent probability that an adage will be picked from that file or
directory. If the percentages do not sum to 100, and there are
to those files and/or directories, in which case the probability of
selecting from one of them will be based on their relative sizes.
.PP
-As an example, given two databases
+As an example, given two databases
.IR funny " and " not-funny ", with " funny
twice as big (in number of fortunes, not raw file size), saying
.RS
.I funny not-funny
.sp
.RE
-will get you fortunes out of
+will get you fortunes out of
.I funny
two-thirds of the time. The command
.RS
.RI "90% " funny " 10% " not-funny
.sp
.RE
-will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
+will pick out 90% of its fortunes from
.I funny
(the ``10% not-funny'' is unnecessary, since 10% is all that's left).
.PP
-The
+The
.B -e
option says to consider all files equal; thus
.RS
easy solution: delete the associated
.I .dat
file. This leaves the data intact, should the file later be wanted, but
-since
+since
.B fortune
no longer finds the pointers file, it ignores the text file.
.SH BUGS
.Dt FORTUNE 6
.Os
.Sh NAME
-.Nm fortune
+.Nm fortune
.Nd print a random, hopefully interesting, adage
.Sh SYNOPSIS
.Nm fortune
.Op Fl aefilosw
-.Op Fl m Ar pattern
-.Oo
-.Op Ar N%
+.Op Fl m Ar pattern
+.Oo
+.Op Ar N%
.Ar file/dir/all
.Oc
.Sh DESCRIPTION
/* Modified Jul 1999, Pablo Saratxaga <srtxg@chanae.alphanet.ch>
* - added use of the LANG variables; now if called without argument
* it will choose (if they exist) fortunes in the users' language.
- * (that is, under a directory $LANG/ under the main fortunes directory
- *
+ * (that is, under a directory $LANG/ under the main fortunes directory
+ *
* Added to debian by Alastair McKinstry, <mckinstry@computer.org>, 2002-07-31
*/
if (!found && parent == NULL && dir == NULL)
{ /* don't display an error when trying language specific files */
char *lang;
-
+
lang=getenv("LC_ALL");
if (!lang) lang=getenv("LC_MESSAGES");
if (!lang) lang=getenv("LANGUAGE");
char langdir[512];
int ret=0;
char *p;
-
+
strncpy(llang,lang,sizeof(llang));
lang=llang;
-
+
/* the language string can be like "es:fr_BE:ga" */
while (!ret && lang && (*lang)) {
p=strchr(lang,':');
if (p) *p++='\0';
snprintf(langdir,sizeof(langdir),"%s/%s",
FORTDIR,lang);
-
+
if (strncmp(path,lang,2) == 0)
ret=1;
else if (strncmp(path,langdir,strlen(FORTDIR)+3) == 0)
perror(path);
}
}
-
+
if (was_malloc)
free(path);
return found;
free(fp);
return FALSE;
}
-
- /* This is a hack to come around another hack - add_dir returns success
- * if the directory is allowed to be empty, but we can not handle an
+
+ /* This is a hack to come around another hack - add_dir returns success
+ * if the directory is allowed to be empty, but we can not handle an
* empty directory... */
if (isdir && fp->num_children == 0) {
if (was_malloc)
return TRUE;
}
/* End hack. */
-
+
if (*head == NULL)
*head = *tail = fp;
else if (fp->percent == NO_PROB)
&File_tail, NULL));
else {
char *lang=NULL;
-
+
lang=getenv("LC_ALL");
if (!lang) lang=getenv("LC_MESSAGES");
if (!lang) lang=getenv("LANGUAGE");
char llang[512];
int ret=0;
char *p;
-
+
strncpy(llang,lang,sizeof(llang));
lang=llang;
-
+
/* the language string can be like "es:fr_BE:ga" */
while ( lang && (*lang)) {
p=strchr(lang,':');
/* first try full locale */
ret=add_file(NO_PROB, lang, NULL, &File_list,
&File_tail, NULL);
-
+
/* if not try language name only (two first chars) */
if (!ret) {
char ll[3];
ret=add_file(NO_PROB, ll, NULL,
&File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
}
-
+
/* if we have found one we have finished */
if (ret)
return ret;
&File_tail, NULL)
| add_file(NO_PROB, FORTDIR, NULL, &File_list,
&File_tail, NULL));
-
+
}
else
/* no locales available, use default */
&File_tail, NULL)
| add_file(NO_PROB, FORTDIR, NULL, &File_list,
&File_tail, NULL));
-
+
}
}
-
+
for (i = 0; i < file_cnt; i++)
{
percent = NO_PROB;
snprintf(fullpathname,sizeof(fullpathname),"%s",FORTDIR);
snprintf(locpathname,sizeof(locpathname),"%s",LOCFORTDIR);
}
- /* if it isn't an absolute path or relative to . or ..
+ /* if it isn't an absolute path or relative to . or ..
make it an absolute path relative to FORTDIR */
else
{
char llang[512];
int ret=0;
char *p;
-
+
strncpy(llang,lang,sizeof(llang));
lang=llang;
-
+
/* the language string can be like "es:fr_BE:ga" */
while (!ret && lang && (*lang)) {
p=strchr(lang,':');
if (p) *p++='\0';
-
+
/* first try full locale */
snprintf(langdir,sizeof(langdir),"%s/%s/%s",
FORTDIR, lang, sp);
ret=add_file(percent, langdir, NULL, &File_list,
&File_tail, NULL);
-
+
/* if not try language name only (two first chars) */
if (!ret) {
char ll[3];
-
+
strncpy(ll,lang,2);
ll[2]='\0';
snprintf(langdir,sizeof(langdir),
ret=add_file(percent, langdir, NULL,
&File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
}
-
+
lang=p;
}
/* default */
if ( (!ret && fullpathname != locpathname) || strcmp(sp, "all") == 0 )
ret=add_file(percent, locpathname, NULL, &File_list,
&File_tail, NULL);
-
+
if (!ret){
snprintf (locpathname, sizeof (locpathname), "%s/%s", getenv ("PWD"), sp);
-
+
ret=add_file (percent, locpathname, NULL, &File_list, &File_tail, NULL);
}
if (!ret)
return FALSE;
-
+
}
else
if (!add_file(percent, fullpathname, NULL, &File_list,
argv += optind;
if (!form_file_list(argv, argc))
- {
+ {
if (!ErrorMessage) fprintf (stderr, "No fortunes found\n");
exit(1); /* errors printed through form_file_list() */
}
if (fp->child == NULL)
{
#if 0
- /* This should not be needed anymore since add_file takes care of
+ /* This should not be needed anymore since add_file takes care of
* empty directories now (Torsten Landschoff <torsten@debian.org>)
*/
*sp = '\0';
nchar = sp - Fortbuf;
- if (fp->utf8_charset)
+ if (fp->utf8_charset)
{
output = recode_string (request, Fortbuf);
} else {
*p = 'a' + (ch - 'a' + 13) % 26;
}
}
-
+
DPRINTF(1, (stdout, "nchar = %d\n", nchar));
if ( (nchar < SLEN || !Short_only) &&
(nchar > SLEN || !Long_only) &&
if(fp->utf8_charset) {
recode_delete_request(request);
- }
+ }
}
/*
ctype = nl_langinfo(CODESET);
if(strcmp(ctype,"ANSI_X3.4-1968") == 0)
ctype="ISO-8859-1";
-
+
crequest = malloc(strlen(ctype) + 7 + 1);
sprintf(crequest, "UTF-8..%s", ctype);
recode_scan_request (request, crequest);
);
my @cr_results;
+my @trailing_whitespace_results;
while (my $r = $tree->next_obj())
{
if ($r->is_file)
{
push @cr_results, $fn;
}
+ elsif ($contents =~ /[ \t]$/ms)
+ {
+ push @trailing_whitespace_results, $fn;
+ }
}
}
}
-if (@cr_results)
+if (@cr_results or @trailing_whitespace_results)
{
print "The following files contain carriage returns:\n\n";
{
print "$r\n";
}
+ print "The following files contain trailing whitespace:\n\n";
+
+ foreach my $r (@trailing_whitespace_results)
+ {
+ print "$r\n";
+ }
exit(-1);
}
else
Create a file of signatures in strfile format (none more than four lines
long, please!). Call it signatures, for ease of understanding.
-
+
Run it through strfile to create the pointer file; put both files in a
safe place--your home directory, for instance.
-
+
In your .login or .profile, add the line:
randstr $HOME/signatures >.signature
-
+
Each time you log in, your signature will change randomly to one of those
in the file signatures. If you change the file, be sure to update the
pointers file! (use strfile)
If you happen to have root privileges, you might be able to hack Pnews
to change the sig randomly whenever you post. The solution is left as
an exercise for the student (gee, I *always* wanted to say that!).
-
+
Another example:
As root, create a shell or Perl script to read /etc/passwd and create
a strfile text file containing login name (line one) and GECOS (line
two).
-
+
Add an entry to crontab.root that runs that script once a month, then
uses strfile to create the data file, and randstr to select one entry
at random.
-
+
Give valuable prizes to the winning login. The script can also auto-mail
to the user, with Cc: root.
-
+
Any other 'lottery'-style function could be implemented the same way.
Both of these examples are more easily implemented with randstr (which
* fit. Or, to paraphrase the old saw about how the British built ships,
* it's coded by the mile and cut off to order. In that analogy, this
* program's about an inch--and separated with an axe.
- *
+ *
* Axe murderess programming. Wotta concept!
*
* Use at your own peril, especially as a pattern (kludge, kludge!). This
* editing on a fortune file that way, by redirecting the output of unstr
* before it had an outputfile option, trying to skip over the mv x.sorted
* x step. Axe murderess redirection, in that case).
- *
+ *
* Blame Amy A. Lewis. September, 1995. alewis@email.unc.edu
*/
* one or the other, not both -- generates a random number, and displays
* the text string indexed. No provision is made for any other command
* line switches. At all.
- *
+ *
* Usage:
- *
+ *
* randstr filename[.ext]
- *
- * Example: run sed or Perl over your /etc/passwd, and kick out a
+ *
+ * Example: run sed or Perl over your /etc/passwd, and kick out a
* strfile-format file containing lognames on the first line and full
* names on the second. Write a script called 'lottery' which is
* called once a month from crontab; it in turn calls randstr lusers,
* and the winning luser gets a prize notification sent by email from
* the lottery script. Living up to promises is optional.
- *
+ *
* Note: if you're a sysadmin who regularly reads _Mein Kampf_ for the
* deep truths buried in it, and believe in Truth, Justice, and the
* American Family, you could use this to replace fortune, by pointing
.SH SYNOPIS
.BI "randstr " filename
.SH DESCRIPTION
-In essence,
+In essence,
.B randstr
is a stripped-down, minimalist version of the popular
.BR fortune (6)
.SS Usage
.B randstr
might be used, with a database of signatures created with a text editor
-and the
+and the
.BR strfile "(8) and " unstr (8)
-utilities, to randomly change the
+utilities, to randomly change the
.I $HOME/.signature
file. To do so, create the necessary database as, for example,
.IR signatures " and " signatures.dat
exist, and creating the files of signatures might require a good deal of
help for a lot of users.
.PP
-Also as superuser, one might use
+Also as superuser, one might use
.B randstr
with a shell or
.B Perl
-script to read the
+script to read the
.I etc/passwd
-database and create a
+database and create a
.I strfile
type database, and use this database to run a monthly lottery.
.SH BUGS
.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
.\"
-.\"
+.\"
.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
.\" Ken Arnold.
.\"
/*
* Changes, September 1995, to make the damn thing actually sort instead
* of just pretending. Amy A. Lewis
- *
+ *
* And lots more.
- *
+ *
* Fixed the special cases of %^J% (an empty fortune), no 'separator' at
* the end of the file, and a trailing newline at the end of the file, all
* of which produced total ballsup at one point or another.
- *
+ *
* This included adding a routine to go back and write over the last pointer
* written or stored, for the case of an empty fortune.
- *
+ *
* unstr also had to be modified (well, for *lots* of reasons, but this was
* one) to be certain to put the delimiters in the right places.
*/
/*
- *
+ *
#ifndef lint
static char copyright[] =
"@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\
The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n";
#endif / * not lint * /
-
+
#ifndef lint
#if 0
static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93";
#endif
#endif / * not lint * /
*
- *I haven't the faintest flipping idea what all that is, so kill the warnings
+ *I haven't the faintest flipping idea what all that is, so kill the warnings
*/
#include <stdlib.h>
* s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
* the run.
* o - order the strings in alphabetic order
- * i - if ordering, ignore case
+ * i - if ordering, ignore case
* r - randomize the order of the strings
* x - set rotated bit
*
* Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 --
*
* Added ordering options.
- *
+ *
* Made ordering options do more than set the bloody flag, September 95 A. Lewis
- *
+ *
* Always make sure that your loop control variables aren't set to bloody
* *zero* before distributing the bloody code, all right?
- *
+ *
*/
#define TRUE 1
puts("There was 1 string");
else
printf("There were %ld strings\n", Num_pts - 1);
- printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
+ printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_longlen,
Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", Tbl.str_shortlen,
Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s");
.\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993
.\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.
.\"
-.\"
+.\"
.\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by
.\" Ken Arnold.
.\"
file offsets for each group of lines. This allows random access of the
strings.
.PP
-The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
+The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named
.IR sourcefile.dat .
.PP
-The purpose of
-.B unstr
+The purpose of
+.B unstr
is to undo the work of
.BR strfile .
It prints out the strings contained in the sourcefile, which is
.I datafile.ext
without its extension, or
.I datafile
-if no extension is specified (in this case, the extension
+if no extension is specified (in this case, the extension
.I .dat
is added to the name of the datafile) in the order
that they are listed in the header file
.IR datafile .
If no
-.I outputfile
+.I outputfile
is specified, it prints to standard output; otherwise it prints
to the file specified.
.B unstr
can also universally change the delimiter character in a strings file.
It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using
-.B strfile -o
-and then using
-.B unstr
+.B strfile -o
+and then using
+.B unstr
to dump them out in the table order.
.SS Options
The options are as follows:
.TP
.BI "-c " char
-Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
+Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to
.IR char .
This option is available for both
.BR strfile " and " unstr .
Order the strings in alphabetical order. The offset table will be
sorted in the alphabetical order of the groups of lines referenced.
Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored. This option
-causes the STR_ORDERED bit in the header
-.I str_flags
+causes the STR_ORDERED bit in the header
+.I str_flags
field to be set. (It also now really does sort! It didn't used to).
.TP
.B -r
Randomize access to the strings. Entries in the offset table will be
-randomly ordered. This option causes the STR_RANDOM bit in the header
-.I str_flags
+randomly ordered. This option causes the STR_RANDOM bit in the header
+.I str_flags
field to be set. (And really does randomize)
.TP
.B -s
.B -x
Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated
13 positions in a simple caesar cypher. This option causes the
-STR_ROTATED bit in the header
-.I str_flags
-field to be set. Note that it
+STR_ROTATED bit in the header
+.I str_flags
+field to be set. Note that it
.B does not
rotate the strings--that operation must be performed separately.
.SS Header
* the datafile has '.dat' added, and the strings file is the filename.
* The only problem with this is if you happen to have a strings file
* with a dot in it--in that case, specify the dat file fully.
- *
+ *
* The program also now accepts an optional second filename, which is the
* name of the output file; if not specified, it dumps to stdout.
- *
+ *
* It can also take one parameter, which defines a new separator character.
* This was added chiefly in order to avoid having to run sed over a
* strings file; unstr *can* do it easily, so it should.
projects / fortune-mod / commitdiff