A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
- A hard-luck actor who appeared in one collossal disaster after another
+ A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers; bigger models in the fleet
can have more engines than anyone can count and fly even more passengers
than there are on Earth. It is claimed to cost less per passenger mile to
-operate these humungous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
+operate these humongous planes than any other aircraft ever built, unless
you personally have to pay for the ticket. All the passengers scramble
aboard, as do the 200 technicians needed to keep it from crashing. The pilot
takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He guns the engines, only to
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
-- C. K. Chesterton
%
-...difference of opinion is advantageious in religion. The several sects
+...difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which
liberty and even life itself are but dreary things. And let us reflect
that having banished from our land that religious intolerance under which
-mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we counternance a
+mankind so long bled, we have yet gained little if we countenance a
political intolerance as despotic, as wicked, and capable of a bitter and
bloody persecutions.
-- Thomas Jefferson
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and
irrational -- the powers of reason are surprisingly ineffective in
changing the believer's mind.
- -- Steve Allen, comdeian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of
+ -- Steve Allen, comedian, from an essay in the book "The Courage of
Conviction", edited by Philip Berman
%
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult
We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should
govern their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the
center of their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major
-prohpet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual
+prophet, nor Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual
concerns, to say nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get
Christians to agree among themselves about their relationship to God.
But all will agree on a proposition that they possess profound spiritual
%
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"
"It does not work that way. RUN!"
- -- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Jonny Quest"
+ -- Hadji on metaphysics and Mandrake in "Jonny Quest"
%
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."
-- Household security explained in "Jonny Quest"
you believe?!"
-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
%
-"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"
+"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
%
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"
which do more than pages of instructions in a 3GL. Applications can be
developed in hours and days, rather than months and years with traditional
systems. Most of the other 4GLs available today look more like COBOL or
- RPG, the most tedious of the third generation lanaguages.
+ RPG, the most tedious of the third generation languages.
"UNIX Relational Database Management: Application Development in the UNIX
Environment" by Rod Manis, Evan Schaffer, and Robert Jorgensen. Prentice
1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
- your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
+ your choice. The price is inversely proportional to how much of
an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.
2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
- is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
+ is offering ``flame insurance''. Under this arrangement, if
one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.
impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause
symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic
performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to
-everday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
+everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort
and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become
victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying.
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
-was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
+was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
"Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!"
%
After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
-claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news
to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to
die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the
-room, over to the man's bedisde and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
+room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!"
The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor
grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron?
You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in
The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two adopted children.
-- Paul Ehrlich
%
-The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity.
+The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks.
- My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought
+ My advice is to drink copious amounts of beer just to get the thought
of food out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists
of placing both hands against the table edge and pushing back.
rights to the level of any law, a Justice Department quite willing
to establish first- and second-class citizenship determined by
religious belief....a Christian arrogance and exclusivism reminiscent
- of earlier centures of religious persecution."
+ of earlier centuries of religious persecution."
[Robert S. Alley, "Christian Exclusivism and
Second-Class Citizenship", in Free Inquiry]
%
so much about what God wants them to do to their fellows."
[Susan B. Anthony]
%
-"Stating the 'The Constitution guarantess that government may not coerce
+"Stating the 'The Constitution guarantees that government may not coerce
anyone to support or participate in religious exercises,' the court held
the First Amendment is violated by including clerical members who offer
prayer as part of an official school graduation ceremony, even though
"The fact that people have religious experiences is interesting from
the psychological point of view, but it does not in any way imply that
there is such a thing as religious knowledge...Unless he can formulate
- his "knowldege" in propositions that are empirically verifiable, we
+ his "knowledge" in propositions that are empirically verifiable, we
may be sure that he is deceiving himself."
[A. J. Ayer, "Language, Truth and Logic"]
%
[Joseph Campbell, _The Mythic Image_, Bollingen
Series C, Princeton University Press, 1981, p. 33]
%
-"...god is a metaphor for that which trancends all
+"...god is a metaphor for that which transcends all
levels of intellectual thought. It's as simple as that"
[Joseph Campbell, American mythologist (1904-1987)]
%
let them pay admission like everyone else"
[George Carlin]
%
-"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state.
+"This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state.
I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they
might as well have a nice prayer like this:
Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands,
%
"If there is only one Creator who made the tiger and the lamb,
the cheetah and the gazelle, what is He playing at? Is he a
- sadist who enjoys spectator blood sports? ... Is he manuvering
+ sadist who enjoys spectator blood sports? ... Is he maneuvering
to maximize David Attenborough's television ratings?"
[Richard Dawkins, "River Out of Eden"]
%
trinity, the Last Judgement, and a personal immortality of reward and
punishment; from Egypt the adoration of the Mother and Child, and the mystic
theosophy that made Neoplatonism and Gnosticism, and obscured the Christian
- creed; there, too, Christian moanasticism would find itsw exemplars and its
+ creed; there, too, Christian monasticism would find its exemplars and its
source. From Phrygia came the worship of the Great Mother; from Syria the
resurrection drama of Adonis; from Thrace, perhaps the cult of Dionysus, the
dying and saving god. From Persia came millennarianism, the "ages of the
world," the "final conflagration," the dualism of Satan and God, of Darkness
and Light; already in the Forth Gospel Christ is the "Light shining in the
darkness, and the darkness has never put it out." The Mithraic ritual so
- closely resemled the eucharistic sacrifice of the Mass that Christian fathers
+ closely resembled the eucharistic sacrifice of the Mass that Christian fathers
charged the Devil with inventing these similarities to mislead frail minds.
Christianity was the last great creation of the ancient pagan world."
[Will and Ariel Durant, _The Story of Civilization_]
%
"Who is he that shall control me? Why may not I act and speak and
write and think with entire freedom? What am I to the universe, or,
- the unvierse, what is it to me? Who hath forged the chains of wrong
+ the universe, what is it to me? Who hath forged the chains of wrong
and right, of Opinion and Custom? And must I wear them?"
[Ralph Waldo Emerson, in "Emerson: The Mind on Fire" p. 51]
%
be those who have once been wholly possessed by zeal for Christian
piety. They squander their possessions, ignore insults, submit to being
cheated, make no distinction between friends and enemies, shun pleasure,
- sustain themselves on fasting, vigils, tears, toil and humilations, scorn
+ sustain themselves on fasting, vigils, tears, toil and humiliations, scorn
life and desire only death - in short, they seem to be dead to any normal
feelings, as if their spirit dwelt elsewhere than in their body. What else
can that be but madness? And so we should not be surprised if the apostles
matrimonial matters, nor Obstetricians; nor can they have association or
partnership with Christians. No Christian can leave or bequeath anything in
his last Will and testament to Jews or their congregations. Jews are
- prohibited from erecting new synogogues. They are obliged to pay annually a
+ prohibited from erecting new synagogues. They are obliged to pay annually a
tenth part of their goods and holdings. Against them Christians can testify,
but the testimony of Jews against Christians in no case is of any value. All
and every single Jew, of whatever sex and age, must everywhere wear the
you don't need him anymore. But you need him for the other mysteries. So
therefore you leave him to create the universe because we haven't figured
that out yet; you need him for understanding those things which you don't
- believe the laws will explain, such as consiousness, or why you only live
+ believe the laws will explain, such as consciousness, or why you only live
to a certain length of time--life and death--stuff like that. God is
always associated with those things that you do not understand. Therefore
I don't think that the laws can be considered to be like God because they
Because men have grown more honorable than their religion, and the strong
arm of the law, supported by the stronger arm of public sentiment, demands
greater justice than St. Paul ever dreamed of. Because men are growing grand
- enough to recongize the fact that right is not masculine only, and that
+ enough to recognize the fact that right is not masculine only, and that
justice knows no sex. And because the church no longer makes the laws.
Saints have been retired from the legal profession. I can't recall the name
of a single one who is practicing law now. Have any of you ever met a saint
[Heinrich Heine]
%
"The most ridiculous concept ever perpetrated by H.Sapiens is that the
- Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universes, wants the sacharrine
+ Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universes, wants the saccharine
adoration of his creations, that he can be persuaded by their prayers, and
becomes petulant if he does not receive this flattery. Yet this ridiculous
notion, without one real shred of evidence to bolster it, has gone on to
%
"We should do unto others as we would want them to do unto us. If I were
an unborn fetus I would want others to use force to protect me, therefore
- using force against abortionists is *justifiable homocide*."
+ using force against abortionists is *justifiable homicide*."
["Pro-Life" doctor killer Paul Hill]
%
"Death opens her cavernous mouth before you. Thousands upon thousands of
[L. Ron Hubbard, 1954]
%
"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to
- make a million dolars, the best way would be to start his own religion."
+ make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."
[Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, 1949, then just a science
fiction writer. Quoted in the New York Times, July 11, 1984,
from James A. Haught, ed., 2000 Years of Disbelief]
from Gordon Thomas & Max Morgan-Witts, "Pontiff", p. 337]
%
"It can therefore be said that, from the viewpoint of the doctrine of
- the faith, there are no difficulites in explaining the origin of man,
+ the faith, there are no difficulties in explaining the origin of man,
in regard to the body, by means of the theory of evolution."
[Pope John Paul II, April 16, 1986]
%
[Kamian]
%
"If I were to mock religious belief as childish, if I were to suggest that
- worshiping a supernatual deity, convinced that it cares about your welfare,
+ worshiping a supernatural deity, convinced that it cares about your welfare,
is like worrying about monsters in the closet who find you tasty enough to
eat, if I were to describe God as our creation..... I'd violate the norms
of civility and religious correctness, I'd be excoriated as an example of
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
-half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
+half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
-- James Purdy
"Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what
they're carrying upstairs!"
%
-There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionallly put up
+There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up
with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he
was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive
over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot
1) For a negotiated price (no quatloos accepted) one of our flaming
representatives will flame the living shit out of the poster of
- your choice. The price is inversly proportional to how much of
+ your choice. The price is inversely proportional to how much of
an asshole the target it. We cannot be convinced to flame Dennis
Ritchie. Matt Crawford flames are free.
2) For a negotiated price (same arrangement) the TETflame programme
- is offering ``flame insurence''. Under this arrangement, if
+ is offering ``flame insurance''. Under this arrangement, if
one of our policy holders is flamed, we will cancel the offending
article and flame the flamer, to a crisp.
3) The TETflame flaming representatives include: Richard Sexton, Oleg
Kisalev, Diane Holt, Trish O'Tauma, Dave Hill, Greg Nowak and our most
- recent aquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
+ recent acquisition, Keith Doyle. But all he will do is put you in his
kill file. Weemba by special arrangement.
-- Richard Sexton
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
+eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
And farts the ship back into port.
%
Each night Father fills me with dread
-When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
+When he sits on the foot of my bed;
I'd not mind that he speaks
In gibbers and squeaks,
But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
Came to light with its face in its belly;
Her second was born
With a hump and a horn,
-And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
+And her third was as shapeless as jelly.
-- Edward Gorey
%
The genital area of Ann
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wondeful thing.
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
%
The star of that X-rated hit
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
He added vermouth
And slipped his amour a martini.
%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
+There once was a feisty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then leap up and snap;
There was a young man of Missouri
Who fucked with a terrible fury.
Till hauled into court
- For his beastial sport,
+ For his bestial sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
%
There was a young man of Natal
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
-from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
+from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the
other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to
-the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own
+the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own
experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage
to each other, not to speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote
on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
%
-There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
+There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
+but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
+Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
%
-Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
+Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
%
Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
-frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
+frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
-revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
+revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
-entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
+entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
%
Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa?
%
-... difference of opinion is advantagious in religion. The several sects
+... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects
perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity
attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the
introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned;
"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall
-have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection mught be reasonable
+have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable
enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him
roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews
would tire of the spectacle eventually."
-- Abraham Lincoln
... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of
-life, the nature of God and spirtual nature and need of men. It is the only
+life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only
guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation.
-- Woodrow Wilson
%
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
-exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
+exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation
shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!"
-- Johnny Carson
%
-Cold is God's way of teling us to burn more Catholics.
+Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.
-- Lady Whiteadder, "Blackadder II"
%
"It don't matter, Sail, ... Could be worse. The fam'ly might be
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
+because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
-- Marilyn Monroe
%
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
-their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
+their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
%
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The
green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that
-grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals
+grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals
indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the
bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled
with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
--- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic
diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
of small, green bryophytic plant.
--- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
+-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation
of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
Necessity is a mother.
%
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
--- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of
+-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of
hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no
congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
optimal cachinnation.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential
- escallation of a lucrative nature.
+ escalation of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of
fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally
remain innocuous.
%
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
-and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
-not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
+not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
-officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
-- Sicilian police officer
%
Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the
-local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substational cash
+local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash
award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning.
His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
leaders.
-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
%
-Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are
+Pilfering Treasury property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are
ruthless in punishing little thieves.
-- Diogenes
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systematic organisation of hatreds.
-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
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-Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the
+Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of martyrdom to the
reformers of error.
-- Thomas Jefferson
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-- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"
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... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
-who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
-- Voltarine de Cleyre
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
-- David Gerrold
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-The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war,
+The poetry of heroism appeals irresistably to those who don't go to a war,
and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."
-- Celine
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live content.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli
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-When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
+When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy.
-- Stanislaw Jerzy Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts"
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When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes,
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I've no regrets. I was sincere in everything I said.
-- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf,
- annoucing his new book
+ announcing his new book
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The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that
the end justifies the means.
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
- beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
+ beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
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-Q: What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
+Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
electrical shock to the horse.
G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
-Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
+Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
rather then a spotted one.
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
- while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
+ while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
legume -- part of the pea family.
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
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things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
-his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
+his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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-Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
+Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.
-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation,
manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York
Times, June 10, 1955.
July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
-corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
+corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet,
scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
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Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
seized this one for the fair form
- that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
+ that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
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-To everything there is a season, a time for every pupose under heaven:
+To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
-them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
- "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed.
+ "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
projects / fortune-mod / commitdiff