Thanks to codespell.
-- Ken Weaver
%
But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable
-nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
+nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study.
-- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge"
%
But you shall not escape my iambics.
%
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37
Can you name the seven seas?
- Antartic, Artic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
+ Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian,
North Pacific, South Pacific.
Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White?
Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful.
%
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
%
-Noone ever built a statue to a critic.
+No one ever built a statue to a critic.
%
Not all who own a harp are harpers.
-- Marcus Terentius Varro
-- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
-A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
-1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
+A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
+1001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
Became Mixed Up Zombies)
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals.
You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
%
-In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.
+In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
%
... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
-a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
+a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
...
The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information
Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President. The ISHW
-is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show
+is being developed with massive government funding, since studies show
that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before
the first prototypes are ready. Asked whether he was worried about the
foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.
-- R.S. Barton
%
-Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
+Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence.
-- Dijkstra
%
TeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this
"The biggest problem facing software engineering is the one it will
never solve - politics."
-- Gavin Baker, ca 1996, An unusually cynical moment inspired by working on a
- large project beseiged by politics
+ large project besieged by politics
%
"Don't fear the pen. When in doubt, draw a pretty picture."
--Baker's Third Law of Design.
%
gyroscope, n.:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
- free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
+ free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
%
marriage, n.:
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
- in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
- that love. In short, committment to an institution.
+ in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
+ that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
%
marriage, n.:
Convertible bonds.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
%
-meterologist, n.:
+meteorologist, n.:
One who doubts the established fact that it is
bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
%
%
TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1:
-Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what pased for them in that era.
+Gong, n: Medieval term for privy, or what passed for them in that era.
Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think
of our community as the Galapagos of the English language.
must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
-and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality.
+and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum is the absolutely highest quality.
Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
-of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
+of fried druit and beat until high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Action Required: See above.
Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
- flourescent light strips.
+ fluorescent light strips.
Fault: You have fallen over backward.
Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
-- W.C. Fields
%
The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
-business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the
+business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
"Whaddaya want?"
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
%
-As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
+As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter
of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.
-- J.F. Kennedy
%
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
-economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
BIOLOGY
(12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out.
(13) Correct speling is essential.
(14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with.
- (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
+ (15) While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally
careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not
- become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
+ become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation.
%
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my
teacher was in my class for five years.
-- Garfield
%
During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
-stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
+stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"
%
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
-Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
+Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
%
%
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
%
-You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
+You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially
if they are dead.
%
You should go home.
Linus: "Oh, I did not know that you needed a license to eat pizza".
-[1] Licenced - refers in Australia to a restaurant which has government
+[1] Licensed - refers in Australia to a restaurant which has government
licence to sell liquor.
-- Linus at a talk at the Melbourne University
%
Exploder.
-- George Bonser <grep@cris.com>
%
-Well, since MS cant be sure of the username of someone downloading
-things, they are going to play it safe and have everything dowloaded
+Well, since MS can't be sure of the username of someone downloading
+things, they are going to play it safe and have everything downloaded
and executed by Explorer as suid root. That way, it will run on ANY
system anywhere. :)
-- George Bonser <grep@cris.com>
<lilo> Fairlight: udp is the light margarine of tcp/ip transport protocols :)
-- Seen on #Linux
%
-i dont even know if it makes sense at all :) This is an experimental patch
+I don't even know if it makes sense at all :) This is an experimental patch
for an experimental kernel :))
-- Ingo Molnar on linux-kernel
%
Linux - Das System fuer schlaue Maedchen ;)
-- banshee
%
-If loving linux is wrong, I dont wanna be right.
+If loving linux is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
-- Topic for #LinuxGER
%
>>> FreeOS is an english-centric name
-- argon on #Linux
%
<sct> Anyone want the new supermount? :)
-<klogd> whats new aboutit
+<klogd> whats new about it
<sct> klogd: It cleans whiter than white. :)
-- Seen on #Linux
%
> Alan Cox wrote:
[..]
-No I didnt. Someone else wrote that. Please keep attributions
+No I didn't. Someone else wrote that. Please keep attributions
straight.
-- From linux-kernel
%
-- Unknown source
%
<sel> need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-(
-<netgod> sel: dont send the first one, start with #2
+<netgod> sel: don't send the first one, start with #2
* netgod is kidding
%
These download files are in Microsoft Word 6.0 format. After
looking like something out of a zombie film in about a week.
-- Alan Cox about Linus after his 2nd daughter
%
-I expect that noone has objections. However, if I'd only add these entries
+I expect that no one has objections. However, if I'd only add these entries
to the list because `I think it's the right thing to do', I'd get a lot of
flames afterwards :)
-- Christian Schwarz
capabilities at their POPs to get the RBL lifted.
-- Bill Campbell on Smail3-users
%
-Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a response
+Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it receives a response
to a DNS query that was never made. Fix Information: Run your DNS
service on a different platform.
-- bugtraq
%
"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
-It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
%
It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts.
-- Mae West
comic books prove the existence of Superman."
[Seen on the #Atheism IRC]
%
-A Humanist or an Athiest can't tell you to
+A Humanist or an Atheist can't tell you to
go to hell but a Christian can and will.
%
Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading
[Alfonso X (Alfonso the Wise;
1226-1284; King of Castile)]
%
-"Sensible men no longer belive in miracles; they
+"Sensible men no longer believe in miracles; they
were invented by priests to humbug the peasants."
[King Alfonso]
%
problem is that once the untrained mind has made a formal commitment to
a religious philosophy -- and it does not matter whether that philosophy
is generally reasonable and high-minded or utterly bizarre and
- irrational -- the powers of reason are suprisingly ineffective in
+ irrational -- the powers of reason are surprisingly ineffective in
changing the believer's mind."
[Steve Allen]
%
bedrooms, and they will bear the consequences of what they do. But I
don't understand this insistence in putting it in our face."
[Gary Bauer, Pres., Family Research Council and 2000 US
- Presidential candiate, from USA Today Oct. 15, 1999]
+ Presidential candidate, from USA Today Oct. 15, 1999]
%
"Cockroach: An ugly, greasy, universally reviled, six-legged freeloader
with a fondness for procreation and leftovers. One of nature's
Thus men forgot that all deities reside in the human breast."
[William Blake, from "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"]
%
-"As the caterpiller chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs
+"As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs
on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys."
[William Blake, from "Proverbs of Hell"]
%
%
"As an unbeliever, I ask leave to plead that humanity has been a real
gainer from scepticism, and that the gradual and growing rejection of
- Christianity - like the rejection of the faiths which preceeded it -
+ Christianity - like the rejection of the faiths which preceded it -
has in fact added, and will add, to man's happiness and well-being."
[Charles Bradlaugh, "Humanity's Gain from Unbelief," 1889]
%
powers, if we live mindlessly, purposelessly, and without integrity, can
we buy our way out, can we acquire self-esteem, by claiming to be God's
relatives? Do we imagine we can thus relieve ourselves of personal
- responsiblity?
+ responsibility?
[Nathaniel Branden, _The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem_,
Bantam Books, (New York, 1994), p. 108-109]
%
[Tom Burnam, The Dictionary of Misinformation, 1975]
%
"Why has a religious turn of mind always a
- tendancy to narrow and harden the heart?"
+ tendency to narrow and harden the heart?"
[Robert Burns]
%
"God knows, I'm not the thing I should be,
[Samuel Butler]
%
"Not only were a good many of the revolutionary leaders more deist than
- Christian, the acutal number of church members was rather small. Perhaps
+ Christian, the actual number of church members was rather small. Perhaps
as few as five percent of the populace were church members in 1776"
[Lynn R. Buzzard, Exec Dir of Christian Legal Society, as quoted in
_They Haven't Got a Prayer_, Elgin IL: David C. Cook, 1982, p. 81]
[George Carlin]
%
"Here's another question I've been pondering- What is all this shit about
- Angels? Have you herd this? 3 out of 4 people belive in Angels. Are you
+ Angels? Have you herd this? 3 out of 4 people believe in Angels. Are you
FUCKING STUPID? Has everybody lost their mind? You know what I think it is?
I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback for all
- the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and obsorbed rectally by all Americans
+ the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans
from 1960 to 1990. 30 years of street drugs will get you some fucking
Angels my friend!
- What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody belive in Goblins? You never
+ What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never
hear about this.. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit.
And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble
with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the
"One must be impressed by the zealous concern of today's consumer for what he
consumes. there has been a veritable renaissance of such interest in light of
the current realization that many products do not live up to their names and
- claims. But it is not yet widely reconized that religion, like many of these
+ claims. But it is not yet widely recognized that religion, like many of these
products, also can be useless and even dangerous, at least from a psychiatric
point of view...I am concerned, therefore, with the effects that religion can
be shown to have on mental health as well as on mental illness."
Evaluation of Judeo-Christian Legacy", p.385]
%
"In the final analysis all theology, whether Christian or otherwise, is a
- marvelous excercise in logic based on premises that are no more verifiable--
+ marvelous exercise in logic based on premises that are no more verifiable--
or reasonable-- than astrology, palmistry, or belief in the Easter Bunny.
Theology pretends to search for truth, but no method could lead a person
farther away from the truth than that intellectual charade. The purpose of
an argument for His existence. But this is a rash argument, as we
should thus be compelled to believe in the existence of cruel and
malignant spirits, only a little more powerful than man; for the
- belief in them is far more general than in a beneficent Diety."
+ belief in them is far more general than in a beneficent Deity."
[Charles Darwin, "The Descent of Man"]
%
"I gradually came to disbelieve in Christianity as a divine revelation...
in all situations, ought to be eternal, universal, and self-evident;
whereas the religions pretended to be revealed having none of these
characteristics, are consequently demonstrated to be false."
- [Attributed to Diderot, possibly written by translater
+ [Attributed to Diderot, possibly written by translator
Julian Hibbert in "Thoughts On Religion", 1770]
%
"The myths about Hades and the gods, though they
%
"[My] purpose...is is to transform theologians into anthropologists,
lovers of God into lovers of man, candidates for the next world into
- students of this world ... I negate the fantastic hypocracy of theology
+ students of this world ... I negate the fantastic hypocrisy of theology
and religion only in order to affirm the true nature of man."
[Ludwig Feuerbach]
%
was catechized, and obliged to recant and promise that it would never again
relapse into sin. Having made this ample and honourable amends, the bell was
reconciled, baptized, and given, or rather sold, to the parish of St.
- Bartholomew. But when the governer sent in the bill for the bell to the
+ Bartholomew. But when the governor sent in the bill for the bell to the
parish authorities, they declined to settle it, alleging that the bell, as
a recent convert to Catholicism, desired to take advantage of the law lately
passed by the king, which allowed all new converts a delay of three years in
"When a man has once brought himself to accept uncritically all the
absurdities that religious doctrines put before him and even to
overlook the contradictions between them, we need not be greatly
- suprised at the weakness of his intellect"
+ surprised at the weakness of his intellect"
[Sigmund Freud, "The Future of an Illusion", 1927]
%
"Civilization has little to fear from educated people and brain-workers.
[Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama, _Time_ April 11, 1988]
%
"I believe that at every level of society--familial, tribal, national and
- international--the key to a happier and more succesful world is the growth
+ international--the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth
of compassion. We do not need to become religious, nor do we need to believe
in an ideology. All that is necessary is for each of us to develop our good
human qualities. I try to treat whoever I meet as an old friend. This gives
[William W. Hallo and William Kelly Simpson, "The Ancient Near
East: A History", Harcourt Brace: Orlando, 1998, p. 29]
%
-"In the earlies Sumerian version, he appears as Ubar-Tutu, 'friend of the
+"In the earliest Sumerian version, he appears as Ubar-Tutu, 'friend of the
god Tutu,' or as Ziusudra, 'life of long days.' Later he is simply (and
perhaps erroneously) called after his city, Shuruppak. The earliest Akkadian
sources call him Atar-hasis, 'exceeding wise,' while the later ones,
"The most ridiculous concept ever perpetrated by H.Sapiens is that the
Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universes, wants the sacharrine
adoration of his creations, that he can be persuaded by their prayers, and
- becomes petulant if he does not recieve this flattery. Yet this ridiculous
+ becomes petulant if he does not receive this flattery. Yet this ridiculous
notion, without one real shred of evidence to bolster it, has gone on to
found one of the oldest, largest and least productive industries in history."
[Lazarus Long, from "Time Enough For Love" by R. Heinlein]
other con man. But it is a lovely work if you can stomach it."
[Lazarus Long, _Time enough for Love_, by Robert Heinlein]
%
-"(Religous) Faith strikes me as intellectual laziness."
+"(Religious) Faith strikes me as intellectual laziness."
[Jubal Hershaw, from _Stranger in a
Strange Land_, by Robert Heinlein]
%
[Timothy Jones <timelord@u.washington.edu>, on alt.atheism]
%
"I saw Christ last night and he looked like shit. Well that
- is not suprising since he's been dead for about 2000 years."
+ is not surprising since he's been dead for about 2000 years."
[William Jones]
%
"'Twas only fear first in the world made gods."
Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
don't hear your girl screaming any more?
distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
black hat and a red neckerchief.
- The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
+ The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain.
He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge
of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling
with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he
-accidently caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
+accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a
snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud
"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge,
simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the
Cobb said, hopping out.
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
%
-Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidently dropped
+Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped
the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician
outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot.
-- Love and Rockets
Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what
was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney
who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to
-himself to demonstrate his committment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
+himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and
asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation.
"Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so
far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches."
%
A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
- Had achieved some reknown
+ Had achieved some renown
For her tone going down--
There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
%
By bleeding all over his face.
%
A gay young prince from Morocco
-Made love in a manner rococco.
+Made love in a manner rococo.
He painted his penis
To resemble a venus
And flavored his semen with cocoa.
A geneticist living in Delft
Scientifically played with himself,
And when he was done
- He labled it: son,
+ He labeled it: son,
And filed him away on a shelf.
%
A gentleman, otherwise meek,
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
- Which rather suprised him.
+ Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A handsome young rodent named Gratian
Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
"Do you mean birds and bees
Go through antics like these,
-To suppy us our fauna and flora?"
+To supply us our fauna and flora?"
%
An irate young lady named Booker
Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude--
-I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
+I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%
I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
- This embarassed her lover
+ This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
%
There once was a lady named Clair,
-Who posessed a magnificent pair.
+Who possessed a magnificent pair.
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.
Who had a prodigious diameter
But it wasn't the size
That brought forth the cries
-'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter.
+'Twas his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
%
There once was a man from Madras,
Whose balls were made out of brass.
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
-And it played with itself inbetween.
+And it played with itself in between.
%
There once was a young man named Lancelot
Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
You can get up my bottom instead."
%
There was a young lady whose cunt
-Could accomodate a small punt.
+Could accommodate a small punt.
Her mother said, "Annie,
It matches your fanny,
Which never was that of a runt."
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave the girls a surprise,
-But his rythm -- iambic pentameter.
+But his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
%
There was a young man named Rex
Who really was small for his sex.
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
+"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
-tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
+tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
Political Fallout"
%
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
-financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
-a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
+financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
+a war, Poland because of its vast misguided over-investment in heavy
industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
-steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
+steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
- Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+ Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
-suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
-- Steve Allen
%
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
+white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
ago."
-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
- In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud."
+ In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
+by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-- D. Adams
or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his
hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be.
But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a
-valuable posession to him."
+valuable possession to him."
"I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good
end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
- The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
+ The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
in the lobby!!"
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
-prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
+prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
%
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
-weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
+weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
to insure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the
destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted
or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your
-receving said benefit.
+receiving said benefit.
I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between
-yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receving
+yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving
as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may
in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen.
A. Oh, SHIT!!
%
Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
-A: Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
+A: No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
%
Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
+quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
- "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
+ "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations
-and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot
+and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot
actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
%
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
+occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
with this in response to one...
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
%
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
+there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-- Lewis Grizzard
%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
+Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
%
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
%
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
- "I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
+ "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
-sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
+sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
"We've got things well in hand."
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
%
-We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
+We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
-have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
-But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
+have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
+But for relish of those archipelagos of person.
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon.
It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell,
If the crazy contraption would work very well.
So after a trillion or two had been spent
-The system thought Santa a Red missle sent.
+The system thought Santa a Red missile sent.
So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed,
There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead.
%
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%
-Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
+In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
%
Do I have a lifestyle yet?
%
-Do you guys know we just passed thru a BLACK HOLE in space?
+Do you guys know we just passed through a BLACK HOLE in space?
%
Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat??
%
%
Now I'm concentrating on a specific tank battle toward the end of World War II!
%
-Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beatiful, round wives of
+Now I'm having INSIPID THOUGHTS about the beautiful, round wives of
HOLLYWOOD MOVIE MOGULS encased in PLEXIGLASS CARS and being approached
by SMALL BOYS selling FRUIT ...
%
%
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
%
- Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
+ Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was
-reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
+renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
and the rest of us.
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
-are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
+are just too big-headed to admit their inferiority.
Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
about it.
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
- What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible.
+ What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
%
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
%
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
- -- MIT Assasination Club
+ -- MIT Assassination Club
%
To err is humor.
%
by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own,
home-made, hand-held model.
-Not suprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
+Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit
to the Pentagon free of charge:
(a) Don't kill anybody.
-- W.H. Auden
%
Political speeches are like steer horns. A point here, a point there,
-and a lot of bull inbetween.
+and a lot of bull in between.
-- Alfred E. Neuman
%
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
-their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is
+their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me."
The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The
crisis passed.
- Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleagured
+ Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered
manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize."
He held another press conference, announcing that the division
would be restructured. The crisis passed.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of
-Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
+Tates brand compasses for his troupe; only $1.25 each! Only problem was,
when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing
to the "W" on the dial.
(We hoped he'd go as far as possible.)
"You won't find many people like her."
(In fact, most people can't stand being around her.)
-"I cannot reccommend him too highly."
+"I cannot recommend him too highly."
(However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a
felony in my presence.)
%
projects / fortune-mod / commitdiff