+++ /dev/null
- Boy do I have a treat for you guys!
-If this works you can send thanks to emeli@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu for
-bringing it to you, though I did not transcribe it.
-
-"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
--- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
- done in a fit of boredom by =AHH 01Jan87=
-
-The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
- KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
- PATSY : Terry Gilliam
- GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
- GUARD #2 : John Cleese
- MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
- CUSTOMER : John Cleese
- DEAD PERSON : ???
- DENNIS : Michael Palin
- WOMAN : Terry Jones
- BLACK KNIGHT : Michael Palin?
- VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
- VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
- SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
- WITCH : ???
- VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
- NARRATOR: Michael Palin
- SIR LANCELOT : John Cleese
- SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
- SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
- GOD : ???
- FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
- MINSTREL : ???
- LEFT HEAD :
- MIDDLE HEAD :
- RIGHT HEAD :
-Graham Chapman
-Terry Jones
-Michael Palin
- OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
- HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
- FATHER : Michael Palin
- PRINCE HERBERT : Graham Chapman?
- GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
- GUARD #2 : ???
- CONCORDE : Eric Idle
- OLD CRONE : ???
- ROGER THE SHRUBBER : Eric Idle
- TIM THE ENCHANTER: John Cleese
- BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
- SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
-
- Scene 1
-
-[wind]
-[clop clop]
- ARTHUR: Whoa there!
-[clop clop]
-
- GUARD #1: Halt! Who goes there?
- ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
-of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign
-of all England!
- GUARD #1: Pull the other one!
- ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy.
-We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights
-who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord
-and master.
- GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
- ARTHUR: Yes!
- GUARD #1: You're using coconuts!
- ARTHUR: What?
- GUARD #1: You've got two empty halves of coconut and your bangin'
-'em together.
- ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
-land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through--
- GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
- ARTHUR: We found them.
- GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
- ARTHUR: What do you mean?
- GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
- ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin
-or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not
-strangers to our land.
- GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
- ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
- GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
- ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
- GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple
-question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound
-coconut.
- ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master
-that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
- GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow
-needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
- ARTHUR: Please!
- GUARD #1: Am I right?
- ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
- GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
- GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
- swallow, that's my point.
- GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
- ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
-at Camelot?!
- GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
- GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
- GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
-[clop clop]
- GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it together?
- GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
- GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a standard creeper!
- GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
- GUARD #2: Well, why not?
-
-Scene 2
-
- MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
- Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
-[clang]
-Bring out your dead!
- CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence.
- DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
- MORTICIAN: What?
- CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
- DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead!
- MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead!
- CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
- DEAD PERSON: I'm not!
- MORTICIAN: He isn't.
- CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
- DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better!
- CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
- MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
- DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go in the cart!
- CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby.
- MORTICIAN: I can't take him...
- DEAD PERSON: I feel fine!
- CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor...
- MORTICIAN: I can't.
- CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't
-be long.
- MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine
-today.
- CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
- MORTICIAN: Thursday.
- DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk.
- CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there
-something you can do?
- DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy.
-[whop]
- CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
- MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
- CUSTOMER: Right.
- [clop clop]
- MORTICIAN: Who's that then?
- CUSTOMER: I don't know.
- MORTICIAN: Must be a king.
- CUSTOMER: Why?
- MORTICIAN: He hasn't got shit all over him.
-
-Scene 3
-
-[clop clop]
- ARTHUR: Old woman!
- DENNIS: Man!
- ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight live in that castle over there?
- DENNIS: I'm thirty seven.
- ARTHUR: What?
- DENNIS: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
- ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
- DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
- ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called Dennis.
- DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
- ARTHUR: I did say sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
-you looked--
- DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
- ARTHUR: Well, I AM king...
- DENNIS: Oh king, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By
-exploitin' the workers -- by 'angin' on to outdated imperialist dogma
-which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our society!
-If there's ever going to be any progress--
- WOMAN: Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how'd you do?
- ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-Who's castle is that?
- WOMAN: King of the who?
- ARTHUR: The Britons.
- WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
- ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we're all Britons and I am your king.
- WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous
-collective.
- DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship.
-A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
- WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
- DENNIS: That's what it's all about if only people would--
- ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives
-in that castle?
- WOMAN: No one live there.
- ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
- WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
- ARTHUR: What?
- DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We take
- it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
- ARTHUR: Yes.
- DENNIS: But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified
-at a special biweekly meeting.
- ARTHUR: Yes, I see.
- DENNIS: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
- ARTHUR: Be quiet!
- DENNIS: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
- ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
- WOMAN: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
- ARTHUR: I am your king!
- WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
- ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
- WOMAN: Well, 'ow did you become king then?
- ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,
- [angels sing]
-her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur
-from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I,
-Arthur was to carry Excalibur.
-[singing stops]
-That is why I am your king!
- DENNIS: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing swords
-is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives
-from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
- ARTHUR: Be quiet!
- DENNIS: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power
-just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
- ARTHUR: Shut up!
- DENNIS: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an empereror just
-because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they'd put me away!
- ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
- DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
- ARTHUR: Shut up!
- DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
-HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
- ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
- DENNIS: Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that,
-eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw
-it didn't you?
-
-Scene 4
-
-[arg] [ugh] [hah]
-
- ARTHUR: You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.
-I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
-
-I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me
- in my courted camelot.
-
-You have proved yourself worthy will you join me?
-
-You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
- BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
- ARTHUR: What?
- BLACK KNIGHT: None shall pass.
- ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must
-cross this bridge.
- BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
- ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
- BLACK KNIGHT: I move for no man.
- ARTHUR: So be it!
-[hah]
-[parry thrust]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm off]
- ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
- BLACK KNIGHT: 'Tis but a scratch.
- ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm's off!
- BLACK KNIGHT: No, it isn't.
- ARTHUR: Well, what's that then?
- BLACK KNIGHT: I've had worse.
- ARTHUR: You liar!
- BLACK KNIGHT: Come on you pansy!
-[hah]
-[parry thrust]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's right arm off]
- ARTHUR: Victory is mine!
-[kneeling]
-We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
-[hah]
- BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
- ARTHUR: What?
- BLACK KNIGHT: Have at you!
- ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
- BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
- ARTHUR: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
- BLACK KNIGHT: Yes I have.
- ARTHUR: Look!
- BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
-[bang]
- ARTHUR: Look, stop that.
- BLACK KNIGHT: Chicken! Chicken!
- ARTHUR: Look, I'll have your leg. Right!
-[whop]
- BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I'll do you for that!
- ARTHUR: You'll what?
- BLACK KNIGHT: Come 'ere!
- ARTHUR: What are you going to do, bleed on me?
- BLACK KNIGHT: I'm invincible!
- ARTHUR: You're a loony.
- BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs!
-Have at you! Come on then.
-[whop]
-[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT's other leg off]
- BLACK KNIGHT: All right; we'll call it a draw.
- ARTHUR: Come, Patsy.
- BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow
-bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite
-your legs off!
-
-Scene 5
-
- CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch!
- VILLAGER #1: We have found a witch, might we burn her?
- CROWD: Burn her! Burn!
- BEDEMIR: How do you know she is a witch?
- VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
- BEDEMIR: Bring her forward.
- WITCH: I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.
- BEDEMIR: But you are dressed as one.
- WITCH: They dressed me up like this.
- CROWD: No, we didn't -- no.
- WITCH: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one.
- BEDEMIR: Well?
- VILLAGER #1: Well, we did do the nose.
- BEDEMIR: The nose?
- VILLAGER #1: And the hat -- but she is a witch!
- CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
- BEDEMIR: Did you dress her up like this?
- CROWD: No, no... no ... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
- VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
- BEDEMIR: What makes you think she is a witch?
- VILLAGER #3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
- BEDEMIR: A newt?
- VILLAGER #3: I got better.
- VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
- CROWD: Burn! Burn her!
- BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether
-she is a witch.
- CROWD: Are there? What are they?
- BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
- VILLAGER #2: Burn!
- CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
- BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
- VILLAGER #1: More witches!
- VILLAGER #2: Wood!
- BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
-
- VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
- BEDEMIR: Good!
- CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
- BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
- VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
- BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
- VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
- BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
- VILLAGER #1: No, no.
- VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
- VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
- CROWD: The pond!
- BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
- VILLAGER #1: Bread!
- VILLAGER #2: Apples!
- VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
- VILLAGER #1: Cider!
- VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
- VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
- VILLAGER #2: Mud!
- VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
- VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
- ARTHUR: A duck.
- CROWD: Oooh.
- BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
- VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
- BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
- VILLAGER #1: A witch!
- CROWD: A witch!
- BEDEMIR: We shall use my larger scales!
-[yelling]
- BEDEMIR: Right, remove the supports!
-[whop]
-[creak]
- CROWD: A witch! A witch!
- WITCH: This is a fair cop.
- CROWD: Burn her! Burn! [yelling]
- BEDEMIR: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
- ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
- BEDEMIR: My liege!
- ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
-and join us at the Round Table?
- BEDEMIR: My liege! I would be honored.
- ARTHUR: What is your name?
- BEDEMIR: Bedemir, my leige.
- ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
-
-[Narrative Interlude]
-
- NARRATOR: The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur's
-knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow:
-Sir Lancelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the
-Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Lancelot who had nearly fought the Dragon
-of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol
-and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Baden Hill; and
-the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed
-a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries,
-the Knights of the Round Table.
-
-Scene 6
-
- BEDEMIR: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
- ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how
-sheeps' bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
- BEDEMIR: Oh, certainly, sir.
- LANCELOT: Look, my liege!
- ARTHUR: Camelot!
- GALAHAD: Camelot!
- LANCELOT: Camelot!
- PATSY: It's only a model.
- ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us
-ride... to... Camelot.
-
-[singing]
-We're knights of the round table
-We dance when e'er we're able
-We do routines and parlour scenes
-With footwork impecc-Able.
-
-We dine well here in Camelot
-We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
-
-[dancing]
-
-We're knights of the Round Table
-Our shows are for-mid-able
-Oh many times we're given rhymes
-That are quite unsing-able
-We not so fat in Camelot
-We sing from the diaphragm a lot
-
-[tap-dancing]
-
-Oh we're tough and able
-Quite indefatigable
-Between our quests we [something]
-And impersonate Clark Gable
-It's a bit too loud in Camelot
-I have to push the pram a lot.
-
- ARTHUR: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot -- it is
-a silly place.
- Right.
-
-Scene 7
-
- GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel! If
-there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
- ARTHUR: Sorry--
- GOD: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's
-"sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". What are you
-doing now!?
- ARTHUR: I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
- GOD: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so
-depressing. Now knock it off!
- ARTHUR: Yes, Lord.
- GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons -- your Knights of the
-Round
-Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
- ARTHUR: Good idea, oh Lord!
- GOD: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy
-Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail.
-That is your purpose, Arthur -- the Quest for the Holy Grail.
- ARTHUR: A blessing!
- LANCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
- GALAHAD: God be praised!
-
-Scene 8
-
-[clop clop]
- ARTHUR: Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
- GUARD: 'Allo! Who is zis?
- ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round
-Table. Who's castle is this?
- GUARD: This is the castle of mumble mumble
- ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
-with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night
-he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
- GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen...
-Uh, he's already got one, you see?
- ARTHUR: What?
- GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
- ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
- GUARD: Oh, yes, it's very nice-uh (I told him we already got one)
- ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
- GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-uh!
- ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
- GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
-silly king!
- GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
- GUARD: Mind your own business!
- ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle
-by force!
- GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your
-bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called
-Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
- GALAHAD: What a strange person.
- ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
- GUARD: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal
-food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was
-a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
- ???: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
- GUARD: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh!
- ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
- GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush.)
- wha?
- GUARD: (Fetch-a da mush!)
-[moo]
- ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
-[twong]
-[mooooooo]
-Jesus Christ!
-Right! Charge!
- ALL: Charge!
-[mayhem]
- GUARD: Ah, this one is for your mother!
-[twong]
- ALL: Run away!
- GUARD: Thpppt!
- LANCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart!
- ARTHUR: No no, no.
- BEDEMIR: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
-
-[later]
-
-[chop]
-[rumble rumble squeak]
-ce labon a bunny do
-wha?
- un codoo?
-a present!
-oh, un codoo.
-oui oui hurry!
-wha-?
-let's go!
-[rumble rumble squeak]
-
- ARTHUR: What happens now?
- BEDEMIR: Well, now, uh, Lancelet, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall,
-and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise -- not only
-by surprise, but totally unarmed!
- ARTHUR: Who leaps out?
- BEDEMIR: Uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh
-and uh....
- ARTHUR: Oh....
- BEDEMIR: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger--
-[twong]
- ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
-[splat]
- FRENCH: Oh, haw haw haw.
-
-Scene 9
-
- Pictures for Schools, take 8.
- DIRECTOR: Action!
-
- NARRATOR: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
-King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely
-by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required
-if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful
-conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that
-they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this
-is what they did--
-[tromp tromp]
-[slash]
- WOMAN: Greg!
-
-Scene 10
-
- NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Robin....
-So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north,
-through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
-
- MINSTREL (singing): Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
- He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
- He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
- Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
-
- He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed
- into a pulp,
- Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
- To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
- And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
-
- His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
- And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
- And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
- And his penis--
- ROBIN: That's -- that's, uh, that's enough music for now, lads.
-Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
- DENNIS: Anarchosyndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
- WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I've dropped my mud.
- ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
- MINSTREL (singing): He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who--
- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing
-through.
- ALL HEADS: What do you want?
- MINSTREL (singing): To fight, and--
- ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really -- I, uh, j-j-ust
-to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
- ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!
- ROBIN: Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
- ALL HEADS: You're a Knight of the Round Table?
- ROBIN: I am.
-TJ:In that case I shall have to kill you.
-GC:Shall I?
-MP:Oh, I don't think so.
-GC:Well, what do I think?
-TJ:I think kill him.
-MP:Well let's be nice to him.
-GC:Oh shut up.
-TJ:Perhaps-
-GC:And you.
-TJ:Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
-MP:Oh, cut your own head off!
-GC:Yes, do us all a favor!
-TJ:What?
-MP:Yapping on all the time.
-GC:You're lucky, you're not next to him.
-TJ:What do you mean?
-GC:You snore.
-TJ:Oh I don't -- anyway, you've got bad breath.
-GC:Well its only because you don't brush my teeth.
-MP:Oh stop bitching and let's go have tea.
-TJ:All right all right all right we'll kill him first and then have tea
- and biscuits.
-GC:Yes.
-MP:Oh, but not biscuits.
-TJ:All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
- ALL HEADS: Right!
-TJ:He buggered off.
-MP:So he has, he scarpered.
-
- MINSTREL (singing): Brave Sir Robin ran away
- ROBIN: No!
- MINSTREL (singing): Bravely ran away away
- ROBIN: I didn't!
- MINSTREL (singing): When danger reared its ugly head,
- He bravely turned his tail and fled
- ROBIN: No!
- MINSTREL (singing): Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
- ROBIN: I didn't!
- MINSTREL (singing): And gallantly he chickened out
- Bravely taking to his feet
- ROBIN: I never did!
- MINSTREL (singing): He beat a very brave retreat
- ROBIN: Oh, lie!
- MINSTREL (singing): Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
- ROBIN: I never!
-
-Scene 11
- NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Galahad
-
-[boom crash]
-[angels singing]
-
-[pound pound pound]
- GALAHAD: Open the door!
-Open the door!
-[pound pound pound]
-In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
-[squeak thump]
-[squeak boom]
- ALL: Hello!
- ZOOT: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
- GALAHAD: The Castle Anthrax?
- ZOOT: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are
-nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
- GALAHAD: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
- ZOOT: The what?
- GALAHAD: The Grail -- it is here?
- ZOOT: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget!
-Crepper!
- MIDGET and CREPPER: Yes, oh Zoot!
- ZOOT: Prepare a bed for our guest.
- MIDGET and CREPPER: Oh thank you thank you thank you--
- ZOOT: Away away vilatesses[?]! The beds here are warm and soft -- and
-very, very big.
- GALAHAD: Well, look, I-I-uh--
- ZOOT: What is your name, handsome knight?
- GALAHAD: Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
- ZOOT: Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
- GALAHAD: Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!
- ZOOT: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
- GALAHAD: L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the--
- ZOOT: Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our
-hospitality.
- GALAHAD: Well, I-I-uh--
- ZOOT: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
-to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between
-sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to
-protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing,
-making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights.
-Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
- GALAHAD: No, no -- i-it's nothing!
- ZOOT: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please,
-lie down. [clap clap]
- PIGLET: Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
- GALAHAD: They're doctors?!
- ZOOT: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes.
- GALAHAD: B-but--
- ZOOT: Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor
-Winston, practice your art.
- PIGLET: Try to relax.
- GALAHAD: Are you sure that's necessary?
- PIGLET: We must examine you.
- GALAHAD: There's nothing wrong with that!
- PIGLET: Please -- we are doctors.
- GALAHAD: Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
- PIGLET: Back to your bed!
- GALAHAD: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
- PIGLET: There's no grail here.
- GALAHAD: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen--
- GIRLS: Hello.
- GALAHAD: Oh--
- VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
- Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
-Hello.
- GALAHAD: Zoot!
- DINGO: No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
- GALAHAD: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
- DINGO: Where are you going?
- GALAHAD: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
- DINGO: No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
- GALAHAD: What is it?
- DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight
-to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the
-first time we've had this problem.
- GALAHAD: It's not the real Grail?
- DINGO: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty
-person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here in Castle Anthrax, we
-have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You
-must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
- GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
- DINGO: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you
-may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
- VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me.
-And me.
-And me.
- DINGO: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
- GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!
- DINGO: And after the spanking, the oral sex.
- GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex!
- GALAHAD: Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
- LANCELOT: Sir Galahad!
- GALAHAD: Oh, hello.
- LANCELOT: Quick!
- GALAHAD: What?
- LANCELOT: Quick!
- GALAHAD: Why?
- LANCELOT: You're in great peril!
- GALAHAD:
- ZOOT:
- LANCELOT: Silence, foul temptress!
- GALAHAD: Now look, it's not important.
- LANCELOT: Quick! Come on and we'll cover your escape!
- GALAHAD: Look, I'm fine!
- LANCELOT: Come on!
- GALAHAD: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
- DINGO: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
- GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
- LANCELOT: No, Sir Galahad, come on!
- GALAHAD: No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
- DINGO: Oh, yes, he can handle us easily.
- GIRLS: Yes, yes!
- GALAHAD: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty
-of them!
- DINGO: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance.
- GIRLS: Yes, yes.
-[boom]
- DINGO: Oh, shit.
-[outside]
- LANCELOT: We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
- GALAHAD: I don't think I was.
- LANCELOT: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
- GALAHAD: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
- LANCELOT: No, it's too perilous.
- GALAHAD: Look, my particular knight sob as much peril as I can.
- LANCELOT: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
- GALAHAD: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
- LANCELOT: No, it's unhealthy.
- GALAHAD: Bet you're gay!
- LANCELOT: No, I'm not.
-
- Narrative Interlude
-
- NARRATOR: Sir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain
-temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King
-Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow's flight away, had
-discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously.
-I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away -- four,
-really, if they hadn't a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds
-were walking and dragging--
- CROWD: Get on with it!
- NARRATOR: Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing
-scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue,
-in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a
-starling -oolp!
-
-Scene 12
-
- OLD MAN: Ah, hee he he ha!
- ARTHUR: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
- OLD MAN: Ha ha he he he he!
- ARTHUR: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
- OLD MAN: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
- ARTHUR: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
- OLD MAN: Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
- of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
- ARTHUR: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
- OLD MAN: Seek you the Bridge of Death.
- ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
- OLD MAN: Hee hee ha ha!
-
-Scene 13
-
- HEAD KNIGHT: Nee!
-Nee!
-Nee!
-Nee!
- ARTHUR: Who are you?
- HEAD KNIGHT: We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
- ARTHUR: No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
- HEAD KNIGHT: The same!
- BEDEMIR: Who are they?
- HEAD KNIGHT: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Nee, Pen, and
-Nee-wom!
- RANDOM: Nee-wom!
- ARTHUR: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
- HEAD KNIGHT: The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
- ARTHUR: Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the
-enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
- HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
- ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
- HEAD KNIGHT: We shall say 'nee' again to you if you do not appease us.
- ARTHUR: Well, what is it you want?
- HEAD KNIGHT: We want... a shrubbery!
-[chord]
- ARTHUR: A what?
- HEAD KNIGHT: Nee! Nee!
- ARTHUR and PARTY: Oh, ow!
- ARTHUR: Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
- HEAD KNIGHT: You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will
-never pass through this wood alive!
- ARTHUR: O Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return
-with a shrubbery.
- HEAD KNIGHT: One that looks nice.
- ARTHUR: Of course.
- HEAD KNIGHT: And not too expensive.
- ARTHUR: Yes.
- HEAD KNIGHTS: Now... go!
-
-Scene 14
-
- NARRATOR: The Tale of Sir Lancelot.
-
- FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
- HERBERT: What, the curtains?
- FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched
-out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!
- HERBERT: But, Mother!
- FATHER: Father, I'm Father.
- HERBERT: But Father, I don't want any of that.
- FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When
-I started here, all there was was swamp. All the kings said I was daft
-to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show
-'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the
-swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank
-into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna
-get, lad -- the strongest castle in these islands.
- HERBERT: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
- FATHER: Rather what?!
- HERBERT: I'd rather... just...
-[music]
-...sing!
- FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while
-I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to
-a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
- HERBERT: But I don't want land.
- FATHER: Listen, Alex,--
- HERBERT: Herbert.
- FATHER: Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we
-can get.
- HERBERT: But I don't like her.
- FATHER: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her? She's beautiful,
-she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.
- HERBERT: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have...
-a certain... special...
-[music]
-...something...
- FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' Princess
-Looky, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure
-the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
- GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.
- GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
- FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't
-leave.
- GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- FATHER: Right.
- GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
-entering the room.
- FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.
- GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.
- FATHER: All right?
- GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
- FATHER: Yes, what is it?
- GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
- FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.
- GUARD #1: Uh...
- FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
-All right?
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- FATHER: Right.
- GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
- FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had
-to leave and we were--
- FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here--
- GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
- FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me--
- GUARD #1: Just you.
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- FATHER: Get back.
- GUARD #1: Get back.
- FATHER: Right?
- GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
- FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
- GUARD #1: What?
- FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
- GUARD #1: The Prince?
- FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
- GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it
-seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.
- FATHER: Is that clear?
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
- FATHER: Right.
-[starts to leave]
-Where are you going?
- GUARD #1: We're coming with you.
- FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
- GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.
- HERBERT: But, Father!
- FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
- GUARD #2: Hic!
- FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.
-
-Scene 15
-
- LANCELOT: Well taken, Concorde!
- CONCORDE: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
- LANCELOT: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big
-one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
-[thwonk]
- CONCORDE: Message for you, sir.
-[fwump]
- LANCELOT: Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this
-note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against
-my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall
-tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could
-be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You
-shall not have died in vain!
- CONCORDE: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
- LANCELOT: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
- CONCORDE: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
- LANCELOT: Oh, I see.
- CONCORDE: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
- LANCELOT: No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as
-soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own
-particular... (sigh)
- CONCORDE: Idiom, sir?
- LANCELOT: Idiom!
- CONCORDE: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
- LANCELOT: Farewell, sweet Concorde!
- CONCORDE: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.
-
-Scene 16
-
- LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
- GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
- LANCELOT: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Lancelot
-of Camelot. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
- HERBERT: You got my note!
- LANCELOT: Uh, well, I got A note.
- HERBERT: You've come to rescue me!
- LANCELOT: Uh, well, no, you see--
- HERBERT: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there...
-there must be...
-[music]
-...someone...
- FATHER: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
- HERBERT: I'm your son!
- FATHER: No, not you.
- LANCELOT: I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
- HERBERT: He's come to rescue me, father.
- LANCELOT: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
- FATHER: Did you kill all the guard?
- LANCELOT: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
- FATHER: They cost fifty pounds each.
- LANCELOT: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
- HERBERT: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot, I've got a rope all ready!
- FATHER: You killed eight wedding guests in all!
- LANCELOT: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
- FATHER: I can understand that.
- HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!
- FATHER: Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
- LANCELOT: Well, I really didn't mean to...
- FATHER: Didn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
- LANCELOT: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
- FATHER: You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost
-me a fortune!
- LANCELOT: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north
-from Camelot, when I got this note, you see--
- FATHER: Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?
- HERBERT: Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
- LANCELOT: Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.
- FATHER: Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....
- LANCELOT: Yes.
- HERBERT: Hurry, I'm ready!
- FATHER: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
- LANCELOT: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
- HERBERT: I am ready!
-[start to leave]
- LANCELOT: --I mean to be, so understanding.
-[thonk]
- HERBERT: Oooh!
- LANCELOT: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit,
-uh, sort of carried away.
- FATHER: Oh, don't worry about that.
- HERBERT: Oooh!
-[splat]
-
-Scene 17
-[wailing]
- FATHER: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this
-knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
- RANDOM: There he is!
- FATHER: Oh, bloody hell.
- LANCELOT: Ha-ha! etc.
- FATHER: Hold it, hold it! Please!
- LANCELOT: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away.
-I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
- RANDOM: He's killed the best man!
-[yelling]
- FATHER: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the
- gorge of Camelot -- a very brave and influential knight, and my special
-guest here today.
- LANCELOT: Hello.
- RANDOM: He killed my auntie!
-[yelling]
- FATHER: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
-Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to
-witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy
-wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen
-to his death. But I think I've not lost a son, so much as... gained
-a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father--
- RANDOM: He's not quite dead!
- FATHER: Since the near fatal wounding of her father--
- RANDOM: He's getting better!
- FATHER: For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to
-recover, suddenly felt the icy hand fo death upon him,--
-[ugh]
- RANDOM: Oh, he's died!
- FATHER: And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own
-dad -- in a very real, and legally binding sense.
-[clapping]
-And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princess
-and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot--
- LANCELOT: What?
- RANDOM: Look! The dead Prince!
- CONCORDE: He's not quite dead!
- HERBERT: Oh, I feel much better.
- FATHER: You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
- HERBERT: No, I was saved at the last minute.
- FATHER: How?!
- HERBERT: Well, I'll tell you...
-[music]
- FATHER: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
- SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
- FATHER: Shut up!
- SINGING: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
- He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
- He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
- He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
- CONCORDE: Quickly, sir! This way!
- LANCELOT: No, it's not in my idiom! I must escape more....(sigh)
- CONCORDE: Dramatically, sir?
- LANCELOT: Dramatically! Hee! Ha!
-[crash]
-Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?
-
-Scene 18
-
- [clop clop]
- ARTHUR: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy
-a shrubbery!
-[chord]
- CRONE: Who sent you?
- ARTHUR: The Knights Who Say Nee.
- CRONE: Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
- ARTHUR: If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend
-and I will say... we will say... 'nee'.
- CRONE: Agh! Do your worst!
- ARTHUR: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!
- CRONE: No! Never! No shrubberies!
- ARTHUR: Nee!
- BEDEMIR: Noo! Noo!
- ARTHUR: No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's 'nee'.
- BEDEMIR: Noo!
- ARTHUR: No, no -- 'nee'. You're not doing it properly.
- BEDEMIR: Noo! Nee!
- ARTHUR: That's it, that's it, you've got it.
- ARTHUR and BEDEMIR: Nee! Nee!
- ROGER: Are you saying 'nee' to that old woman?
- ARTHUR: Um, yes.
- ROGER: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'nee'
-at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is
- sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under
-considerable economic stress at this period in history.
- ARTHUR: Did you say 'shrubberies'?
- ROGER: Yes, shrubberies are my trade -- I am a shrubber. My name
-is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
- BEDEMIR: Nee!
- ARTHUR: No! No, no, no! No!
-
-Scene 19
-
- ARTHUR: O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we
-go now?
- HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
-But there is one small problem.
- ARTHUR: What is that?
- HEAD KNIGHT: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
- RANDOM: Nee!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-
-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-mumble-mumble.
- RANDOM: Nee!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
- ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently
-Said Nee?
- HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
- [chord]
- ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place
-it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a
-two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
- RANDOM: A path! A path! Nee!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut
-down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
-[chord]
- ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
- ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.
- KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
- HEAD KNIGHT: Don't say that word.
- ARTHUR: What word?
- HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words
-the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
- ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
- KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
- ARTHUR: What, 'is'?
- HEAD KNIGHT: No, not "is" -- we couldn't get vary far in life not
-
-Ooops I'm out of time. i'll send the rest tomorrow.
-
-Eric
projects / python / commitdiff