1 Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week?
2 And die immediately after?
4 Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
6 Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
8 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3
10 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
11 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
12 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
15 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
16 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
17 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
19 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
21 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #4
23 You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
24 uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a
27 (a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one
28 fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
30 (b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
31 prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
33 (c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
34 it up, blow your nose on your sock.
36 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5
38 You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
39 tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
40 live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
42 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
44 (b) Ask what position she played.
45 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
46 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
47 if he recognizes the label.
49 FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9
51 You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
52 in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
53 egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
54 Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
55 bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. You:
57 (a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
58 (b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
59 (c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
61 He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
62 She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
64 He: Am I... am I your first?
65 She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
67 He: So, what do you say to little fuck?
68 She: I say, "get lost, little fuck."
71 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
72 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
75 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
76 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
79 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
83 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
84 started chiseling on his wife?
87 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
91 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
92 demanded a salary on next week's advance?
95 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
96 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
99 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
103 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
106 the careless canary that did it for a lark?
109 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
112 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
113 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
114 which end it will be.
117 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
118 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
121 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
124 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
128 the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't
129 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
132 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
133 everybody in the joint?
136 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
137 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
140 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
141 next morning found she was six months pregnant?
144 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them?
147 The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
148 her between the limbs?
151 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
154 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
155 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book.
158 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
161 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
162 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
165 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
166 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended
170 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
173 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
174 delinquency of a major?
177 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
181 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
182 education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
185 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
186 then his wife didn't leave town?
189 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
190 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
193 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
197 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
198 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
201 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
205 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator off?
208 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
211 the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
212 he wanted to transcend dental medication?
215 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
216 lost his ball bearings?
219 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
220 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
223 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
224 he'd never be able to face his girl again?
227 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
230 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
233 the guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
234 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
237 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
238 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
241 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
244 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
245 a lot more than letters behind the files?
248 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
249 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
252 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
256 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on
257 Palm Sunday, of course.
260 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
261 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
264 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
265 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
268 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap,
269 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
272 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk
273 and they eat each other.
276 the new German microwave oven?
280 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
281 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard.
284 the new rule at the girls' school?
285 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
288 the new sorority girl doll?
289 You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
292 the new vitamin made from chicken blood?
293 It makes men cocky and women lay better.
296 the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?
299 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
302 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
305 the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
308 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
309 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space"?
312 the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
315 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
316 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
319 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
320 without getting any mail in her box?
323 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
324 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
327 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
328 someone would grab his seat?
331 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
334 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
337 the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
340 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
344 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
348 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have
349 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
352 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
353 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
357 the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man?
360 the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
361 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
364 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
365 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
366 she's a wonderful mount?
369 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
370 Census Taker"? It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
373 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
374 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
378 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
379 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
382 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
383 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
386 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
387 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
390 they cancelled Easter this year?
394 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
395 version -- with nuts of course?
397 If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
398 increase your chance of getting dumped?
400 If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
402 If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like
405 If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
407 If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
409 If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
411 If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
413 If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens when Mercury is in
414 the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
416 Q. How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
417 A. While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
419 Q. What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
420 A. A Christian Science Monitor.
422 Q. What's the capital of Canada?
425 Q. What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
426 A. Yogurt has a living, active culture.
428 Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
429 A: "Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
430 the ship out of disgrace."
432 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
433 a fight. They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
434 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.]
436 Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
440 Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
441 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
442 A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
444 Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
445 A: He's the only one with a duck.
447 Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
448 A: He's the only one who bets on the duck.
450 Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
453 Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
456 Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
457 A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
459 Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
460 A: He got re-possessed!
462 Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
463 A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
465 Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm?
466 A: Real men don't care.
468 Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
469 A: With three more bullets.
471 Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
472 A: Give her a couple of test tickles.
474 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife?
475 A: You have to wait 22 months.
477 Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back in a hurricane?
478 A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
480 Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
481 A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
483 Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
484 A: She has a mouthful of feathers.
486 Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
487 A: By the stiff upper lip.
489 Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
492 Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
493 A: She answered the iron.
495 Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
498 Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
499 A: He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.
501 Q: But how did he get back down?
502 A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
504 Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
505 A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
507 Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
510 Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
513 Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
516 Q: How do you get them back out?
519 Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
522 Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
523 A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green.
525 Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
526 A: No -- so it must work pretty well!
528 Q: How did Tarzan die?
529 A: Picking cherries!!!
531 Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?
533 Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
534 A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
536 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
537 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
539 Q: How do you know your elephant had her period?
540 A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
542 Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
543 A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
545 Q: How do you make an elephant float?
546 A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
548 Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
549 A: Kick it over to Van Ness.
551 Q: How do you play religious roulette?
552 A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
553 struck by lightning first.
555 Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
556 A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
558 Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
559 or an airline stewardess?
560 A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
561 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
562 and over again until we get it right."
563 An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
564 nose and breathe normally."
566 ... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
567 ... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
568 ... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
569 ... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
571 Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
572 A: When his cock tastes like shit.
574 Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
577 Q: How does a mink get babies?
578 A: The same way babes get minks.
580 Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
581 A: She asks them for a commitment.
583 Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
584 A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
586 Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
587 A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
588 speech, but under the United States constitution they are
589 guaranteed freedom after speech.
590 -- being told in Poland, 1987
592 Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
593 A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
595 Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
596 A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
597 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in
598 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)
600 Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
601 A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
602 those Californians trying to share the experience.
604 Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
605 A: Three, but they're really only one.
607 Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
608 A: One more than you can find.
610 Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
611 A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
613 Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
614 A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
616 Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
617 bulb, in San Fransisco?
620 Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
621 A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
624 Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
625 A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the witness.
627 Q: How many pre-meds does it take to change a lightbulb?
628 A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
631 Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
632 A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
635 Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
636 A: As much as he wants.
638 Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
641 Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
644 Q: What can you use used tampons for?
645 A: Tea bags for vampires.
647 Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
648 A: Play dumb until the second coming.
650 Q: What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
651 A: "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."
653 Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
655 Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
658 Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
659 A: They both like a tight seal.
661 Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons?
662 A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases
663 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.
665 Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
666 A: Sheep don't have strings.
668 Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
669 A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
671 Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love?
674 Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
675 A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway.
677 [I've got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
678 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.]
680 Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
681 eating fruit, and singing?
682 A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
684 Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
687 Q: What do you call a monk who has had a sex change operation?
690 Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
693 Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
698 Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
701 Q: What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
702 A: An incurable romantic.
704 Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
705 A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
707 Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
708 A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
710 Q: What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
711 A: A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
713 Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP (Jewish
715 A: A computer that won't go down.
717 Q: What's the difference between a JAP (Jewish American Princess)
721 Q: How do you make them the same?
722 A: Force feed the elephant.
724 Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
725 A: Your last blowjob.
727 Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
728 A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
730 Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
731 A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
732 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
735 Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
736 A: A rebel without a clue.
738 Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
739 A: Hot cross bunnies!
741 Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
742 moth ball in the other hand?
743 A: One hell of a big moth!
746 Click. "Did I get it?"
747 Click. "Did I get it?"
748 Click. "Did I get it?"
749 Click. "Did I get it?"
750 A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
752 Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
753 A: A frog in a blender.
755 Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
756 A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak.
758 Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
759 A: Baby in a blender.
761 Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
762 A: So you can watch the expression on its little face.
764 Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah!
767 Q: What is green and comes in Brownies?
770 Q: What is Smoorplay?
771 A: What Smurfs do before they smuck!
773 Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
776 Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
777 A: Her bowling shoes.
779 Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
782 Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
785 Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
786 A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
788 Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
790 A: A nun with a javelin through her head.
792 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
795 Q: What's black and white and red all over?
796 A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
798 Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
799 A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
801 Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
804 Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
805 A: Two hours of begging.
807 Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
808 A: The guy that gave it to him.
810 Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
811 A: The guy he got it from.
813 Q: What's red and covered with little dents?
814 A: Snow White's cherry.
816 Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
817 A: About three inches.
819 Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
820 pinscher humping your leg?
821 A: You let the doberman finish.
823 Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
824 A: About four drinks.
826 Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
827 A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
828 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".
830 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
831 office a little late, tonight... Ed.]
833 Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
836 Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
837 A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
839 Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
840 A: The weekend never comes too soon.
842 Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
845 Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
846 A: Not everyone's been in a fast car.
848 Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
851 Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
852 A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
854 Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
855 A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the
858 Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
860 A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
863 Q: What's the difference between hard and dark?
864 A: It stays dark all night.
866 Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
867 he hits your windshield?
870 Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
871 mind when he hits your windshield?
874 Q: What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
875 A: No one to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
877 Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
878 A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
880 Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
881 A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
883 Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
884 A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
886 Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
887 A: To the batpoles, Robin!
889 Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
892 Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
893 A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
895 Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
896 A: They're just pussy substitutes!
898 Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
899 A: Because she's dead.
901 Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
902 A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
904 Q: Why did God invent booze?
905 A: So ugly men could get laid too.
907 Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
908 A: She'd never been taught to say no.
910 Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
912 A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
914 Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road?
915 A: He couldn't help it.
917 Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
918 A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
920 Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
921 A: To get to the other slide.
923 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
924 A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
926 Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
929 (Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
931 Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
932 A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice.
934 Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
935 A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!!
937 Q: Why do men die before their wives?
940 Q: Why do men marry women?
941 A: You can't teach sheep to do housework.
943 Q: Why do mice have such small balls?
944 A: Very few of them know how to dance!
946 Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
947 A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
948 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
950 Q: Why do women have vaginas?
951 A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
953 Q: Why do women love Pacman?
954 A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
956 Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
957 A: Because 8 inches isn't enough.
959 Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
960 A: So she can moan with the other!
962 Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
963 A: It scares the dogs!
965 Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
966 A: The leash goes slack.
968 Q: Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
969 A: Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
971 Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
972 A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
975 Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
976 A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
977 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!"
979 Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS?
981 A1: PMS is only a problem for some people.
982 A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
983 A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
984 A4: People with PMS get sympathy.
985 A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
987 Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
988 A: Will the defendant please rise?
990 What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
993 What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
995 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
997 Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
999 Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
1000 Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
1001 it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
1004 Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
1007 Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
1008 A: He spent the night in a warehouse.
1010 Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
1011 A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
1013 Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
1014 A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
1015 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
1016 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
projects / fortune-mod / blob