4 | t dt cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e )
8 The integral of t squared, dt
9 From 1 to the cube root of 3
12 Is the log of the cube root of e
17 | t dt - cos (------) = ln(e )
20 The integral, from one to root three,
24 Is the log of the square root of e.
27 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2
28 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0
31 A dozen, a gross and a score,
32 Plus three times the square root of four,
34 Plus five times eleven,
35 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more!
37 A bad little girl in Madrid,
38 A most reprehensible kid,
40 That her cunt smelled like cheese,
41 And the worst of it was that it did!
43 A bather whose clothing was strewed
44 By breezes that left her quite nude,
46 And, unless I'm quite wrong,
47 You expected this line to be lewd.
49 A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
50 I am not I, I'm a tree."
51 But another, more sane,
52 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
53 And covered his pants leg with pee.
55 A beautiful belle of Del Norte
56 Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
57 Because during the day
58 She says: "Boys, keep away!"
59 But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
61 A beautiful lady named Psyche
62 Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
65 Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
67 A beetling young woman named Pridgets
68 Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
69 Off the end of a wharf
70 She once pushed a dwarf
71 Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
74 A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
75 Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
76 When she swiveled about
77 Even strong men cried out,
78 For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
80 A bisexual chap name of Lunt
81 Taught himself an unusual stunt.
82 He could peel back his spout
83 Turn the skin inside out
84 Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
86 A bobby of Nottingham Junction
87 Whose organ had long ceased to function
88 Deceived his good wife
89 For the rest of her life
90 With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
92 A broken-down harlot named Tupps
93 Was heard to confess in her cups:
94 "The height of my folly
95 Was fucking a collie --
96 But I got a nice price for the pups."
98 A burlesque dancer, a pip
99 Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
100 But she read science fiction
101 And died of constriction
102 Attempting a Moebius strip.
103 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
105 A busy young lady named Gloria
106 Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
109 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
111 A cabin boy on an old clipper
112 Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
113 He plugged up his ass
114 With fragments of glass
115 And thus circumcised his old skipper.
117 A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
118 Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
119 With his date all strapped in
121 Without even leaving the garage.
122 -- "A Boy and His Dog"
124 A cautious young fellow named Tunney
125 Had a whang that was worth any money.
126 When eased in half-way,
127 The girl's sigh made him say,
128 "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
130 A certain young man, it was noted,
131 Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
132 He said, "You may scoff,
133 But I shan't take it off;
134 Underneath I am horribly bloated."
137 A certain young person of Ghent,
138 Uncertain if lady or gent,
139 Shows his organs at large
140 For a small handling charge
141 To assist him in paying the rent.
143 A certain young sheik of Algiers
144 Said to his harem, "My dears,
145 Though you may think it odd of me,
146 I'm tired of just sodomy
147 Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!)
149 A chap down in Oklahoma
150 Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
151 But the sweetness of pitch
152 Couldn't put off the hitch
153 Of impotence, size and aroma.
155 A charmer from old Amarillo,
156 Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
158 That to keep men away
159 She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
161 A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
162 Had a pussy as large as a muff.
163 It had room for both hands
164 And some intimate glands,
165 And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
167 A clergical student named Simms
168 Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
170 Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
171 All the others get Anglican hymns.
173 A clerical student named Pryne
174 Through pain sought to reach the divine:
175 He wore a hair shirt,
176 Quite often ate dirt,
177 And bathed every Friday in brine.
180 A clever young man named Eugene
181 Invented a jack-off machine.
182 On the twenty-third stroke
183 The fuckin' thing broke
184 And beat both his balls to a cream.
186 A cocksucking steno named Beeman
187 Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
188 "On my minuscule salary
189 I must watch every calorie,
190 So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
192 A computer called Illiac4
193 Had a rather tough bug in its core.
194 It chewed up its cards
195 And spewed yards and yards
196 Of illegible tape on the floor.
198 A computer, to print out a fact,
199 Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
200 But this output can be
202 If the input was short of exact.
205 A contortionist hailing from Lynch
206 Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
207 A foot cost a quid --
209 Stretch it to three in a pinch.
211 A corpulent maiden named Kroll
212 Had a notion exceedingly droll:
213 At a masquerade ball,
214 Dressed in nothing at all,
215 She backed in as a Parker House roll.
217 A couple was fishing near Clombe
218 When the maid began looking quite glum,
219 And said, "Bother the fish!
221 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
223 A cowhand way out in Seattle
224 Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
225 He said, "No, I can't fuck
227 But golly! it just fits the cattle."
229 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
230 And had an affair with a Saracen.
231 She was not oversexed,
233 She just wanted to make a comparison.
235 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
236 And had an affair with a Saracen.
237 She was not oversexed,
239 She just wanted to make a comparison.
241 A CS student named Lin
242 Had a prick the size of a pin
243 It was no good for girls
244 But just great for squirrels
245 Who squealed with delight with it in.
247 A cute little twerp from Samoa
248 Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
249 It was good for keyholes
250 And debutantes' peeholes
251 But not worth a damn on a whoa.
253 A daredevil skater named Lowe,
254 Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
255 But is proudest of doing,
256 Some incredible screwing,
257 Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
259 A deep-throated virgin named Netty
260 Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
261 She said, "It tastes nice,
262 Much better than rice,
263 Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
265 A delighted, incredulous bride
266 Remarked to her groom at her side :
269 Our anatomies would coincide."
271 A dentist, young doctor Malone,
272 Got a charming girl patient alone,
273 And, in his depravity,
274 Filled the wrong cavity.
275 God, how his practice has grown.
277 A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
278 With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
279 Let his third-story front,
280 To a willing young cunt,
281 Who supplied him a new lease on life!
283 A desperate spinster from Clare
284 Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
285 And prayed to her God
286 For a romp on the sod--
287 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
289 A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
290 Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
292 He stripped off his pants,
293 But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
295 A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
296 Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
299 And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
301 A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
302 Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
303 They found her vagina,
305 And part of her ass in Brazil.
307 A doctoral student from Buckingham
308 Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
309 But a dropout from paree
310 Taught him Gamahuchee
311 So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
313 A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
314 Whose overworked sex is all callous,
315 Wore the foreskin away
316 On uncircumcised Ray,
317 Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
319 A dozen, a gross, and a score,
320 Plus three times the square root of four,
322 Plus five times eleven,
323 Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
325 A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
326 Wished to foster an aura of menace.
327 To make people afraid
328 He wore gloves of grey suede
329 And white footgear intended for tennis.
330 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
332 A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd,
333 Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred,
334 Had achieved some renown
335 For her tone going down--
336 There's a nice civil tongue in her head.
338 A fair-haired young damsel named Grace
339 Thought it very, very foolish to place
340 Her hand on your cock
341 When it turned hard as rock,
342 For fear it would explode in your face.
344 A farmer I know named O'Doole
345 Had a long and incredible tool.
346 He can use it to plow,
348 Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
350 A fellatrix's healthful condition
351 Proved the value of spunk as nutrition.
353 (I suggest that you try it)
354 Was only her clients' emission.
356 A fellow whose surname was Hunt
357 Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt:
359 Could be turned inside out,
360 Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.
362 A fisherman off of Cape Cod
363 Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!"
364 But the high-minded fish
366 And nimbly swam off with his rod.
368 A foolish geologist from Kissen
369 Just didn't know what he was missin',
371 And neglecting his cock,
372 And using it merely for pissin'.
374 A Frenchman who lived in Alsace
375 Had sex with a virgin named Grace.
376 When he popped her cherry,
377 She made things hairy
378 By bleeding all over his face.
380 A gay young prince from Morocco
381 Made love in a manner rococo.
384 And flavored his semen with cocoa.
386 A geneticist living in Delft
387 Scientifically played with himself,
390 And filed him away on a shelf.
392 A gentleman, otherwise meek,
393 Detested with passion the leek;
395 He dealt such a clout
396 To the maid, she was down for a week.
399 A german composer named Bruckner
400 Remarked to a lady while fuckener :
401 "Less lento, my dear,
402 With your cute little rear;
403 I like a hot presto when muckener!"
405 A gift was delivered to Laura
406 From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah;
407 Wrapped in tissue and crepe,
408 It was peeled, like a grape,
409 And emitted a pale, greenish aura.
412 A gifted young fellow from Sparta
413 Was widely renowned as a farta'.
414 He could fart anything
415 From "Of Thee I Sing,"
416 To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata."
418 A girl camper once had an affair
419 With a fellow all covered with hair.
420 When she gave him his hat
422 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
424 A girl of the Enterprise crew
425 Refused every offer to screw.
426 But a Vulcan named Spock
427 Crawled under her smock,
428 And now she is eating for two.
430 A girl of uncertain nativity
431 Had an ass of extreme sensitivity
432 While she sat on the lap
434 She could sense Fifth Column activity.
436 A graduate student named Zac
437 Was said to be great in the sack.
440 And two gave them epileptic attacks.
442 A greedy young lady from Sidney
443 Liked it in up to her kidney,
444 Till a man from Quebec
445 Shoved it up to her neck--
446 He really diddled her, didn' he?
448 A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds
449 Once swallowed a package of seeds.
451 Was covered with grass
452 And his balls were grown over with weeds.
454 A guest in a household quite charmless
455 Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
456 "If you're caught unawares
457 At the head of the stairs,
458 Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
461 A habit depraved and unsavory
462 Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery.
463 Midst screeches and howls,
464 He deflowered young owls,
465 Which he kept in an underground aviary.
467 A habit obscene and bizarre,
468 Has taken a-hold of papa.
469 He brings home young camels
470 And other odd mammals,
471 And gives them a go at mama.
473 A hacker who screwed a mag tape
474 Was caught and convicted of rape.
476 From which, to his woe
477 He couldn't get out with ESC.
479 A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
480 Made love to the drive of his disk.
481 The thing circumsized him,
482 Which rather surprised him.
483 He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
485 A handsome young rodent named Gratian
486 As a lifeguard became a sensation.
487 All the lady mice waved
488 And screamed to be saved
489 By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
491 A happy old hooker named Grace
492 Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race.
493 It was hard for beginners
494 To tell who were winners :
495 There were cunt hairs all over the place.
497 A hardware debugger named Court
498 Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port.
501 So the port's driver cut it off short.
503 A haughty young wench of Del Norte
504 Would fuck only men over forty.
505 Said she, "It's too quick
506 With a young fellow's prick;
507 I like it to last, and be warty."
509 A headstrong young woman in Ealing
510 Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling;
511 When quizzed why she did,
512 She replied, "To be rid
513 Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
516 A hearty young fellow named Yost
517 Once had an affair with a ghost.
518 At the height of the spasm
520 Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost."
522 A hidebound young virgin named Carrie
523 Would say, when the fellows got hairy :
524 "Keep your prick in your pants
525 Till the end of this dance--"
526 Which is why Carrie still has her cherry.
528 A highly aesthetic young Jew
529 Had eyes of a heavenly blue;
530 The end of his dillie
531 Was shaped like a lilly,
532 And his balls were too utterly two!
534 A highway patrol buff named Claire,
535 Once screwed half a troop on a dare,
536 And her parts grew so hot,
537 There was steam on her twat,
538 So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare!
540 A horny young fellow named Reg,
541 Was jerking off under a hedge.
542 The gardener drew near
543 With a huge pruning shear,
544 And trimmed off the edge of his wedge.
546 A huge-organed female in Dallas,
547 Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
550 No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
552 A joker who haunts Monticello
553 Is really a terrible fellow.
554 In the midst of caresses
555 He fills ladies dresses
556 With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello.
558 A lacklustre lady of Brougham
559 Weaveth all night at her loom.
561 When her lord and his wench
562 Pull a chain in the neighbouring room.
564 A lad from far-off Transvaal
565 Was lustful, but tactful withal.
566 He'd say, just for luck,
567 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?"
568 But he'd bow till he almost would crawl.
570 A lad of the brainier kind
571 Had erogenous zones in his mind.
572 He got his sensations,
573 By solving equations,
574 (Of course, in the end, he went blind.)
576 A lad, at his first copulation,
577 Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation,
579 Throughout the duration,
580 I guess I'll give up masturbation."
582 A lady born under a curse
583 Used to drive forth each day in a hearse;
584 From the back she would wail
585 Through a thickness of veil:
586 "Things do not get better, but worse."
589 A lady both callous and brash
590 Met a man with a vast black moustache;
591 She cried, "Shave it, O do!
592 And I'll put it with glue
593 On my hat as a sort of panache."
596 A lady from Kalamazoo
597 Once found she had nothing to do,
598 So she sat on the stairs
599 And she counted her hairs:
602 A lady from Old Little Rock
603 In fidelity took little stock,
605 In the streets of Japan
606 For a boy with a prehensile cock.
608 A lady removing her scanties,
609 Heard them crackle electrical chanties.
610 Said her beau, "Have no fear,
611 For the reason is clear:
612 You simply have amps in your panties.
614 A lady stockholder quite hetera
615 Decided her fortune to bettera:
616 On the floor, quite unclad,
618 Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera...
620 A lady was seized with intent
621 To revise her existence misspent.
622 So she climbed up the dome
623 Of St. Peter's in Rome,
624 Where she stayed through the following Lent.
627 A lady who signs herself "Vexed"
628 Writes to say she believes she's been hexed:
629 "I don't mind my shins
630 Being stuck full of pins,
631 But I fear I am coming unsexed."
634 A lady with features cherubic
635 Was famed for her area pubic.
636 When they asked her its size
637 She replied in surprise,
638 "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?"
640 A lady, while dining in Crewe,
641 Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
642 Said the waiter, "Don't shout
644 Or the others will ask for one, too."
646 A lass at the foot of her class
647 Asked a brainier chick how to pass.
648 She replied, "With no fuss
649 You can get a B-plus,
650 By letting the prof pat your ass."
652 A lecherous barkeep named Dale,
653 After fucking his favorite female,
654 Mixed Drambuie and scotch
655 With the cream in her crotch
656 For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.
658 A licentious old justice of Salem
659 Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em.
660 But instead of a fine
661 He would stand them in line,
662 With his common-law tool to impale 'em.
664 A limerick packs laughs anatomical
665 Into space that is quite economical.
666 But the good ones I've seen
668 And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
670 A linguist thought it a farce
671 That memory space was so sparse.
672 One day they increased it.
673 Said he as he seized it:
674 "At last! Enough core for the parse".
676 A lonely young lad of Eton
677 Used always to sleep with the heat on,
678 Till he ran into a lass
679 Who showed him her ass --
680 Now they sleep with only a sheet on.
682 A lovely young diver named Nancy,
683 Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy,
685 Watched her Derriere,
686 And the sea fans all tickled her fancy.
688 A lovely young maid from St. Jude
689 Once rode through the streets in the nude.
690 The police cried, "Whatam--
692 And slapped it as hard as they cude.
694 A lusty young maid from Seattle
695 Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle;
696 Till she found a bull
697 Who filled her so full
698 It made both her ovaries rattle.
700 A lusty young woodsman of Maine
701 For years with no woman had lain,
702 But he found sublimation
704 In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain!
706 A madam who ran a bordello
707 Put come in her pineapple jello,
708 For the rich, sexy taste
709 And not wanting to waste
710 That greasy kid stuff from a fellow.
712 A maestro directing in Rome
713 Had a quaint way of driving it home.
715 Had to keep her tail timed
716 To the beat of his old metronome.
718 A maiden who lived in Virginny
719 Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
720 The horsey set rushed her,
721 But success finally crushed her
722 For her tone soon became harsh and tinny.
724 A maiden who travelled in France
725 Once got on a train, just by chance.
726 The engineer fucked her,
727 The conductor sucked her,
728 And the fireman came in his pants.
730 A maiden who wrote of big cities
731 Some songs full of love, fun and pities,
732 Sold her stuff at the shop
734 Who played with her soft little titties.
736 A major, with wonderful force,
737 Called out in Hyde Park for a horse.
738 All the flowers looked round,
739 But no horse could be found;
740 So he just rhododendron, of course.
742 A man was once heard to boast,
743 That he received a parcel by post,
744 It contained, so we heard,
746 And the balls of his grandfather's ghost.
748 A marine being sent to Hong Kong
749 Got a doctor to alter his dong.
750 He sailed off with a tool
751 Flat and thin as a rule -
752 When he got there he found he was wrong.
754 A mathematician named Hall
755 Has a hexahedronical ball,
756 And the cube of its weight
757 Times his pecker's, plus eight
758 Is his phone number -- give him a call...
760 A mathematician named Klein
761 Thought the Mobius band was divine.
762 Said he, "If you glue
764 You'll get a weird bottle like mine!
766 A middle-aged codger named Bruin
767 Found his love life completely in ruin,
768 For he flirted with flirts
769 Wearing pants and no skirts,
770 And he never got in for no screwin'.
772 A milkmaid there was, with a stutter,
773 Who was lonely and wanted a futter.
774 She had nowhere to turn,
775 So she diddled a churn,
776 And managed to come with the butter.
778 A mortician who practised in Fife
779 Made love to the corpse of his wife.
780 "How could I know, Judge?
781 She was cold, did not budge--
782 Just the same as she'd acted in life."
784 A nasty old drunk in Carmel
785 Thinks it funny to piss in the well.
786 He says, "Some don't favor
788 But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!"
790 A nervous young fellow named Fred
791 Took a charming young widow to bed.
792 When he'd diddled a while
793 She remarked with a smile,
794 "You've got it all in but the head."
796 A new dramatist of the absurd
797 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
798 I learn from my spies
800 An unprintable three-letter word.
802 A new dramatist of the absurd
803 Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
804 I learn from my spies
806 An unprintable three-letter word.
808 A newly-wed man of Peru
809 Found himself in a terrible stew:
811 Much deader than dead,
812 And so he had no one to screw.
814 A newlywed couple from Goshen
815 Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
817 They got laid eighty ways --
818 Imagine such fucking devotion!
820 A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst,
821 In the pleasures of men was well-versed.
822 Reads the sign o'er the head
823 Of her well-rumpled bed
824 "The customer always comes first."
826 A novice was told by the Abbot:
827 "Consider the goat and the rabbit.
828 While they roll in the hay
829 You just stay home and pray.
830 You've got to get out of that habit."
832 A nudist resort at Benares
833 Took a midget in all unawares.
834 But he made members weep
835 For he just couldn't keep
836 His nose out of private affairs.
838 A nurse motivated by spite
839 Tied her infantine charge to a kite;
840 She launched it with ease
841 On the afternoon breeze,
842 And watched till it flew out of sight.
845 A pansy who lived in Khartoum
846 Took a lesbian up to his room.
847 They argued all night
848 Over who had the right
849 To do what, with which, and to whom.
851 A passionate red-haired girl
852 When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
853 And her twat would get wet,
854 And would wiggle and fret,
855 And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl.
857 A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
858 Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
860 She would squat in his yard
861 And longingly pee in the sneaux.
863 A petulant man once said, "Pish,
864 Your cunt is as big as a dish."
865 She replied, "Why, you fool,
866 With your limp little tool,
867 It's like driving a pin with a fish."
869 A physical fellow named Fisk
870 Could screw at a rate very brisk.
871 So fast was his action
872 The Fitzgerald contraction
873 Would shrink up his rod to a disk.
875 A pious old woman named Tweak
876 Had taught her vagina to speak.
877 It was frequently liable
878 To quote from the Bible,
879 But when fucking -- not even a squeak!
881 A pious young lady named Finnegan
882 Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again;
884 Make it last through the night,
885 For I certainly don't want to sin again!"
887 A pious young lady of Chichester
888 Made all of the saints in their niches stir
889 And each morning at matin
890 Her breast in pink satin
891 Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir.
893 A playful young chemist named Byrd
894 Had an urge that could not be deferred.
897 And plastered the walls with his turd.
899 A plumber whose name was John Brink
900 Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink.
901 Her resistance was stout,
902 And John Brink petered out,
903 With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
905 A potter who lived in Bombay
906 Once fashioned a cunt out of clay;
907 But the heat of his prick
908 Kilned the damn thing to brick
909 And chafed all his foreskin away.
911 A pretty wife living in Tours
912 Demanded her daily amour.
913 But the husband said, "No!
914 It's to much. Let it go!
915 My backsides are dragging the floor."
917 A pretty young boy known as Kevin
918 Was raped in a pasture by seven
920 (Oh, those Anglican priests)
921 And such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
923 A pretty young lady named Vogel
924 Once sat herself down on a molehill.
926 Nosed into her hole --
927 Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
929 A pretty young maiden from France
930 Decided she'd "just take a chance."
933 And now all her sisters are aunts.
935 A princess who lived near a bog
936 Met a prince in the form of a frog.
937 Now she and her prince
938 Are the parents of quints,
939 Four boys and one fine polliwog.
941 A princess who reigned in Baroda
942 Made her home on a purple pagoda.
943 She festooned the walls
944 Of her halls with the balls
945 And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'.
947 A programmer down in Moline
948 Said, I'm the match for any machine.
949 My secret's aversion,
950 To loops and recursion,
951 Just acres of in-line routine.
954 A progressive professor named Winners
955 Held classes each evening for sinners.
956 They were graded and spaced
957 So the vile and debased
958 Would not be held back by beginners.
960 A rapist who reeked of cheap booze
961 Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes.
962 She cried, "I suppose
963 There's no time for my clothes,
964 But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!"
966 A rapturous young fellatrix
967 One day was at work on five pricks.
969 She whipped out her glass eye:
970 "Tell the boys I can now take on six."
972 A reckless young lady of France
973 Had no qualms about taking a chance,
974 But she thought it was crude
975 To get screwed in the nude,
976 So she always went home with damp pants.
978 A remarkable race are the Persians;
979 They have such peculiar diversions.
980 They make love the whole day
982 And save up the nights for perversions.
984 A responsive young girl from the East
985 In bed was an able artiste.
986 She had learned two positions
987 From family physicians,
988 And ten more from the old parish priest.
990 A romantic attraction has clung
991 To a chap of whom damsels have sung:
992 "'Tis the Scourge from the East,
993 That lascivious beast
994 Who was known as Attila the Hung!"
996 A sailor who slept in the sun,
997 Woke to find his fly buttons undone,
998 He remarked with a smile,
999 "Good grief, a sun-dial!
1000 And now it's a quarter-past one."
1002 A savvy young hooker named Gail
1003 Got busted and lodged in the jail.
1004 But the jailer got hot,
1005 To be lodged in her twat,
1006 And so Gail made the bail with her tail.
1008 A scandal involving an oyster
1009 Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister
1010 She preferred it, in bed,
1011 To the count (so she said)
1012 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister.
1014 A scream from the crypt of St. Giles
1015 Resounded for miles upon miles.
1016 Said the friar, "Good gracious,
1017 The brother Ignatious
1018 Forgeteth the abbot hath piles."
1020 A seafaring hacker named Slatey
1021 Went to bed with a VAX/780.
1022 The thing's learned to swear
1023 With a nautical air,
1024 And refers to its users as "matey".
1026 A sex-loving coed named Bree
1027 Caught the clap from her Apple IIE.
1028 The joystick, she found,
1029 Had been fooling around
1030 With a neighboring student's PC.
1032 A silly young man from Hong Kong
1033 Had hands that were skinny and long.
1034 He ate rice with his fingers--
1035 The taste of it lingers,
1036 But now all his fingers are gone.
1038 A slick talking pirate named Bruce
1039 To steal code, had a plan to seduce
1041 Now Bruce wears a truss
1042 And was jailed for computer abuse.
1044 A software technician from Digital
1045 Had hardware extremely prodigical.
1046 It's rumoured, I hear,
1047 That when he was near
1048 He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital.
1050 A space shuttle pilot named Ventry,
1051 Made love to a lovely girl sentry.
1052 She started to pout,
1053 Because it fell out,
1054 But the mission was saved by re-entry.
1056 A sperm faced, alack and forsooth,
1057 His moment of sexual truth.
1058 He'd expected to fall
1059 On a womb's spongy wall
1060 But was dashed to his death on a tooth.
1062 A spinster in Kalamazoo
1063 Once strolled after dark by the zoo.
1064 She was seized by the nape,
1065 And fucked by an ape,
1066 And she murmured, "A wonderful screw."
1068 And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy,
1069 But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry
1071 Half as stiff and as thick
1072 As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry."
1074 A spunky young schoolboy named Fred
1075 Used totoss off each night while in bed.
1076 Said his mother, "Dear lad,
1077 That's exceedingly bad--
1078 Jump in here with your mamma instead."
1080 A starship commander named Kirk
1081 Emerged from his cabin berserk.
1082 He grabbed a girl yeoman
1083 Beneath the abdomen,
1084 And gave her a physical jerk.
1086 A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson,
1087 Was having a captive, a person
1089 Though she had the curse,
1090 And he'd breeches of bristling furs on.
1092 A structured programmer named Drew
1093 Was intensely turned on by "goto".
1094 When he saw it in code
1095 He'd shoot off his load.
1096 It's a good thing his shop used so few.
1098 A studious professor named Nestor
1099 Bet a whore all his books that he could best her.
1100 But she drained out his balls
1101 And skipped up the walls,
1102 Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
1104 A sweetheart named Teresa Arden
1105 Went down on her beau in the garden.
1106 He said, "Good lord, Tess,
1107 Don't swallow that mess!"
1108 And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?"
1110 A systems programmer named Sprotic
1111 Found his software intensely erotic.
1114 It's possible that he's psychotic.
1116 A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm,
1117 Was renowned for her fine paroxysm.
1118 While the man detumesced
1119 She still spent on with zest,
1120 Her rapture sheer anachronism.
1122 A talented girl from Detroit
1123 Could fuck you in ways quite adroit.
1124 She could squeeze her vagina
1125 To a pin-point or finer
1126 Or open it out like a quoit.
1128 A team playing baseball in Dallas
1129 Called the umpire blind out of malice.
1130 While this worthy had fits
1131 The team made eight hits
1132 And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
1134 A teenage protester named Lil
1135 Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill
1136 First they bugged our martinis,
1137 Our bras and bikinis,
1138 And now they are bugging the pill."
1140 A thrice-married gal from L.A.
1141 Said, "My hymen's intact to this day,
1142 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it,
1143 The voyeur only gawked at it,
1144 And my most recent man's a gourmet."
1146 A tidy young lady of Streator
1147 Dearly loved to nibble a peter.
1148 She always would say,
1149 "I prefer it this way.
1150 I think it is very much neater."
1152 A timid young woman named Jane
1153 Found parties a terrible strain;
1154 With movements uncertain
1155 She'd hide in a curtain
1156 And make sounds like a rabbit in pain.
1159 A tired young trollop of Nome
1160 Was worn out from her toes to her dome.
1161 Eight miners came screwing,
1162 But she said, "Nothing doing;
1163 One of you has to go home!"
1165 A trapper named Francois Lefebvre
1166 Once captured and buggered a beabvre.
1167 The result of this fuck
1168 Was a three titted duck,
1169 A canoe, and an Irish retriebvre.
1171 A tutor who tooted a flute
1172 Tried to tutor two tutors to toot
1173 Said the two to the tutor:
1174 "Is it harder to toot or
1175 To tutor two tutors to toot"
1177 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
1178 Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
1179 She found a good way
1180 To combine work and play:
1181 She sells C shells by the seashore.
1183 A vengeful technician named Schmitz
1184 Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz.
1185 He covered the platter
1186 With bats' fecal matter.
1187 Now it's seek time is really the pits.
1189 A very intelligent turtle
1190 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1191 The system, you see,
1192 Ran as slow as did he,
1193 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1195 A very intelligent turtle
1196 Found programming UNIX a hurdle
1197 The system, you see,
1198 Ran as slow as did he,
1199 And that's not saying much for the turtle.
1201 A very odd pair are the Pitts:
1202 His balls are as large as her tits,
1203 Her tits are as large
1204 As an invasion barge--
1205 Neither knows how the other cohabits.
1207 A wanton young lady from Wimley
1208 Reproached for not acting quite primly
1209 Said, "Heavens above!
1210 I know sex isn't love,
1211 But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
1213 A water pipe suited miss Hunt;
1214 She used it for many a bunt.
1215 But the unlucky wench
1216 Got it caught in her trench ---
1217 It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench,
1218 To get the thing out of her cunt.
1220 A weary old lecher named Blott
1221 Took a luscious young blond to his yacht.
1222 Too lazy to rape her,
1223 He made darts out of paper,
1224 Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.
1226 A whimsical fellow named Bloch
1227 Could beat the base drum with his cock.
1228 With a special erection
1229 He could play a selection
1230 From Johann Sebastian Bach.
1232 A wicked stone cutter named Cary
1233 Drilled holes in divine statuary.
1234 With eyes full of malice
1235 He pulled out his phallus,
1236 And buggered a stone Virgin Mary.
1238 A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket
1239 Had a hole as big as a basket.
1241 In it now, you could hide,
1242 And include with your luggage your mascot.
1244 A widow who fancied a man some
1245 Was diddled three times in a hansome.
1246 When she clamored for more
1247 Her young man became sore
1248 And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
1250 A widow whose singular vice
1251 Was to keep her late husband on ice
1252 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him --
1253 I'll never defrost him!
1254 Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
1256 A wonderful bird is the pelican.
1257 His mouth can hold more than his belican.
1258 He can take in his beak
1259 Enough food for a week.
1260 I'm darned if I know how the helican.
1262 A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies,
1263 Renowned for the length of their peenies.
1264 The hair on their balls
1265 Sweeps the floors of their halls,
1266 But they don't look at women, the meanies.
1268 A wood-fetish busboy named Gable
1269 Is rapid, is thorough, is able;
1270 But when everything's cleared,
1271 He gives way to the weird,
1272 As he lovingly busses each table.
1274 A worn-out young husband named Lehr
1275 Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer:
1276 "Slip on a sheath, quick,
1277 Then slip your big dick
1278 Between these lips covered with hair."
1280 A worried young man from Stamboul
1281 Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
1282 Said the doctor, a cynic,
1283 "Get out of my clinic;
1284 Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
1286 A young bride and groom of Australia
1287 Remarked as they joined genitalia :
1288 "Though the system seems odd,
1289 We are thankful that God
1290 Developed the genus Mammalia."
1292 A young fellow discovered through Freud
1293 That although of penis devoid,
1294 He could practice coitus
1296 And his parents were quite overjoyed.
1298 A young Juliet of St. Louis
1299 On a balcony stood acting screwy.
1301 But he wasn't well timed,
1302 And half-way up, off he went -- blooey!
1304 A young lad named Lester McGraw
1305 Caught a stranger on top of his Maw.
1306 As he watched him stick her
1307 He said, with a snicker,
1308 "You do it much faster than Paw."
1310 A young lady sat by the sea,
1311 Just as proper as proper could be.
1312 A young fellow goosed her,
1313 And roughly seduced her,
1314 So she thanked him and went home to tea.
1316 A young lady who lived by the Usk
1317 Subsisted each day on a rusk;
1318 She ate the first bite
1319 Before it was light,
1320 And the last crumb sometime after dusk.
1323 A young maiden from France was no prude,
1324 She decided to dive in the nude,
1325 But her buddy, behind,
1326 Went out of his mind,
1327 When he noticed where she was tatooed.
1329 A young man by a girl was desired
1330 To give her the thrills she required,
1331 But he died of old age
1332 Ere his cock could assuage
1333 The volcanic desire it inspired.
1335 A young man from the banks of the Po
1336 Found his cock had elongated so,
1339 But only his neighbors who'd know.
1341 A young man grew increasingly peaky
1342 In a house where the hinges were squeaky,
1343 The ferns curled up brown,
1344 The ceilings flaked down,
1345 And all of the faucets were leaky.
1348 A young man maintained that his trigger
1349 Was so big that there weren't any bigger.
1350 But this long and thick pud
1351 Was so heavy it could
1352 Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor.
1354 A young man of acumen and daring,
1355 Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring,
1356 Was left quite alone
1357 When it soon became known
1358 That their use at his board was unsparing.
1361 A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll
1362 While bent over plucking a dingle
1363 Had the whole of Eisteddfod
1364 Taking turns at his pod
1365 While they sang some impossible jingle.
1367 A young man with passions quite gingery
1368 Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
1369 He slapped her behind
1370 And made up his mind
1371 To add incest to insult and injury.
1373 A young polo-player of Berkeley
1374 Made love to his sweetheart beserkly.
1375 In the midst of each chukker
1376 He would break off and fuck her
1377 Horizontally, laterally and verkeley.
1379 A young systems programmer of Sprotic
1380 Found his software intensely erotic.
1383 It's possible that he's a psychotic.
1385 A young violinist from Rio
1386 Was seducing a woman named Cleo.
1387 As she took down her panties
1388 She said, "No andantes;
1389 I want this allegro con brio!"
1391 A young wife in the outskirts of Reims
1392 Preferred frigging to going to mass.
1393 Said her husband, "Take Jacques,
1395 For I cannot live up to your ass."
1397 A young woman got married at Chester,
1398 Her mother she kissed her and blessed her.
1399 Says she, "You're in luck,
1400 He's a stunning good fuck,
1401 For I've had him myself down in Leicester."
1403 Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
1404 The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
1405 Her figurehead They filled his ass,
1406 A whore in bed, With broken glass,
1407 Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
1409 The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
1410 And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
1411 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits,
1412 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits,
1413 And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table.
1415 The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy,
1416 And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy,
1417 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock,
1418 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock,
1419 Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy!
1421 According to experts, the oyster
1422 In its shell - a crustacean cloister -
1425 Or both, if it should be its choice ter.
1427 Alas for the Countess d'Isere,
1428 Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair.
1429 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!"
1430 When he parted her thighs;
1431 "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre."
1433 All the female apes ran from King Kong
1434 For his dong was unspeakably long.
1435 But a friendly giraffe
1436 Quaffed his yard and a half,
1437 And ecstatically burst into song.
1439 An aesthete from South Carolina
1440 Had a cock that tickled like China,
1441 But while shooting his load
1442 It cracked like old Spode,
1443 So he's bought him a Steuben vagina.
1445 An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
1446 Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
1447 She will use her bare fist
1448 If the fellows insist
1449 But she really prefers to wear gloves.
1451 An AI researcher named Bluth
1452 Wrote, to find out the sexual truth,
1454 Which he taught certain tricks
1455 Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth.
1457 An amazon giantess named Dunne
1458 Let a midget screw her for fun.
1459 But the poor little runt
1460 Was engulfed in her cunt
1461 And re-born as the twin of his son.
1463 An ambitious lady named Harriet
1464 Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot
1465 By seventeen sailors
1466 A monk and three tailors,
1467 Mohammed and Judas Iscariot.
1469 An anonymous woman we knew
1470 Was dozing one day in her pew;
1471 When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
1472 She said, "Count me in
1473 As soon as the service is through."
1475 An architect fellow named Yoric
1476 Could, when feeling euphoric,
1477 Display for selection
1478 Three kinds of erection--
1479 Corinthian,ionic,and doric.
1481 An ardent young man named Magruder
1482 Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda.
1483 She thought it quite lewd
1484 To be wooed in the nude,
1485 But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her.
1487 An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
1488 Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know.
1490 And sheep are divine
1491 But llamas are numero uno."
1493 An ARPAnaut name of Corvette
1494 Had a fetish involving the net.
1495 As he fondled his IMP
1496 His cock went from limp
1497 To as hard as concrete which has set.
1499 An arrogant wench from Salt Lake
1500 Liked to tease all the boys on the make.
1501 She was finally the prize
1502 Of a man twice her size
1503 And all she recalls is the ache.
1505 An artist who lived in Australia
1506 Once painted his ass like a Dahlia.
1507 The drawing was fine,
1508 The colour -- divine,
1509 The scent -- ah, that was a failia.
1511 An eager young hacker named Gus
1512 Once buggered a VAX Unibus.
1513 The hardware went bad,
1514 But not the young lad
1515 He didn't expect all that fuss!
1517 An Edwardian father named Udgeon,
1518 Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon,
1519 Used on Saturday nights
1520 To turn down the lights,
1521 And chase them around with a bludgeon.
1524 An envious girl named McMeanus
1525 Was jealous of her lover's big penis.
1526 It was small consolation
1527 That the rest of the nation
1528 Of women were with her in weeness.
1530 An exotic young lady named Suki
1531 Once danced in a troupe of kabuki
1532 When asked for a fuck
1533 She said, "Solly, no luck--
1534 See here: looky looky, no nuki "
1536 An impish young fellow named James
1537 Had a passion for idiot games.
1539 Of his lady's affair
1540 And laughed as she pissed through the flames.
1542 An impotent Scot named MacDougall
1543 Had to husband his sperm and be frugal.
1544 He was gathering semen
1546 By screwing his wife through a bugle.
1548 An incautious young woman named Venn
1549 Was seen with the wrong sort of men;
1550 She vanished one day,
1551 But the following May
1552 Her legs were retrieved from a fen.
1555 An indefatigable woman named Bavel
1556 Had often occasion to travel;
1557 On the way she would sit
1559 And on the way back she'd unravel.
1562 An ingenious young man in South Bend
1563 Made a synthetic ass for a friend,
1564 But the friend shortly found
1565 Its construction unsound,
1566 It was simply a bother -- no end.
1568 An innocent maiden named Herridge
1569 Was cruelly tricked ito marriage;
1570 When she later found out
1571 What her spouse was about,
1572 She threw herself under a carriage.
1575 An inquisitive virgin named Dora
1576 Asked the man who started to bore 'er :
1577 "Do you mean birds and bees
1578 Go through antics like these,
1579 To supply us our fauna and flora?"
1581 An irate young lady named Booker
1582 Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker!
1583 If you want it queer ways,
1584 Go to whores for your lays!"
1585 So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
1588 To his wife remained steadfastly true.
1589 This was not from compunction,
1590 But due to dysfunction
1591 Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you.
1593 An old couple just at Shrovetide
1594 Were having a piece -- when he died.
1596 Sat tight on his peak,
1597 And bounced up and down as she cried.
1599 An old electronic designer
1600 Had designs on a minor named Dinah.
1601 He couldn't carry them out
1602 For his prick was too stout,
1603 And too small was the minor's vagina.
1605 An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings
1606 Were a terrible trial to his siblings,
1607 But he was not removed
1608 Till one day it was proved
1609 That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings.
1612 An old maid who had a pet ape
1613 Lived in fear of perpetual rape.
1614 His red, hairy phallus
1615 So filled her with malice
1616 That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape.
1618 An old man at the Folies Bergere
1619 Had a jock, a most wondrous affair:
1620 It snipped off a twat-curl
1621 From each new chorus girl,
1622 And he had a wig made of the hair.
1624 An organist playing in York
1625 Had a prick that could hold a small fork,
1626 And between obbligatos
1627 He'd munch at tomatoes,
1628 To keep up his strength while at work.
1630 An orgasmic young sex star named Sue
1631 Was a hit as she writhed to a screw.
1632 Her climatic fame spread
1633 With an ad blitz that said:
1634 Coming soon at a theater near you!
1636 An uptight young lady named Breerley
1637 Who valued her morals too dearly
1639 Only once every year,
1640 And she strained her vagina severely.
1642 And earnest young woman in Thrace
1643 Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!"
1644 So he gave her a thwack,
1645 And did on her back,
1646 What he couldn't have done face to face.
1648 And then there's the story that's fraught
1649 With disaster -- of balls that got caught,
1650 When a chap took a crap
1651 In the woods, and a trap
1652 Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought!
1654 As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops
1655 Is a kinky old butcher named Pops.
1656 Since he thinks it's effete
1657 To be beating his meat,
1658 What he's into is licking his chops.
1660 As he came in his chubby choirboy,
1661 Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy!
1663 And possible heavens,
1664 Existence will merely annoy."
1666 As the breeches-buoy swung towards the rocks,
1667 Its occupant cried, "Save my socks!
1668 I could not bear the loss,
1669 For with scarlet silk floss
1670 My mama has embroidered their clocks."
1673 As tourists inspected the apse
1674 An ominous series of raps
1675 Came from under the altar,
1676 Which caused some to falter
1677 And others to shriek and collapse.
1680 Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff,
1681 "Do I sin if I do what I want, if
1683 In the eastertide sun?"
1684 His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff."
1686 At a contest for farting in Butte
1687 One lady's exertion was cute :
1690 And three judges were felled by the brute.
1692 At a dance, a girl from Connecticut
1693 Showed an absolute absence of etiquette
1694 Letting all comers press
1695 Through the skirt of her dress
1696 And wiping the mess with her petticoat.
1698 At the end of all civilization
1699 Is the planet Terminus's location.
1700 There's a girl there whose feat,
1701 Without stone or concrete,
1702 Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation.
1704 At the moment Japan declared war
1705 A sailor was fucking a whore.
1706 He said, "After this poke
1707 `Long and hard' ain't no joke;
1708 This means months 'til I get back ashore."
1710 At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers
1711 Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers;
1712 It beats all night long
1714 As it staggers about in the creepers.
1717 At Vassar, sex isn't injurious,
1718 Though of love we are never penurious.
1719 Thanks to vulcanized aids,
1720 Though we may die old maids,
1721 At least we shall never die curious.
1723 At whist drives and strawberry teas
1724 Fan would giggle and show off her knees;
1725 But when she was alone
1726 She'd drink eau de cologne,
1727 And weep from a sense of unease.
1730 Augustus, for splashing his soup,
1731 Was put for the night on the stoop;
1732 In the morning he'd not
1734 And next day he was dead of the croup.
1737 Back in the days of old Adam
1738 The grass served as mattress for madam,
1739 And they spent the whole day
1740 On the sex that today
1741 They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em.
1743 Conflicting research paradigms
1744 Have legitimized various crimes.
1745 The worst we can see
1747 Measuring reaction times.
1749 Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
1750 Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
1751 She went down on the gents,
1752 And pronged the girl's vents
1753 With a clitoris reaching six inches.
1755 De Hispanice puella verumque
1756 Simplex oris verborumque
1759 Iterum iterum iterumque.
1761 Despising machines to a man,
1762 The Luddites joined up with the Klan,
1763 And ride out by night
1764 In a sheeting of white
1765 To lynch all the robots they can.
1766 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
1768 Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
1769 He was blown down the street by a rocket.
1770 The force of the blast
1771 Blew his balls up his ass,
1772 And his pecker was found in his pocket.
1774 Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
1775 Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
1776 Just sit in the sand
1778 And buy bonds with the money you save.
1780 Down by the old model T,
1781 Where she first showed it to me.
1782 It was furry and black,
1783 And she called it a crack,
1784 But it looked like a manhole to me.
1786 DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
1787 Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
1788 And by planned obsolescence,
1789 So controlled detumescence,
1790 A poor man could not get a smell.
1792 Each Friday his engines abort,
1793 But Scotty is never caught short.
1794 He fills his machines
1795 With space-navy beans,
1796 And farts the ship back into port.
1798 Each night Father fills me with dread
1799 When he sits on the foot ofmy bed;
1800 I'd not mind that he speaks
1801 In gibbers and squeaks,
1802 But for the seventeen years he's been dead.
1805 Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
1806 Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
1807 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
1808 Ich hore Mann kommen."
1809 "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
1811 Ethnologists up with the Sioux
1812 Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
1813 The answer next day,
1814 Said, "Girls on the way,
1815 But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
1817 Exuberant Sue from Anjou
1818 Found that fucking affected her hue.
1819 She presented to sight
1820 Nipples pink, bottom white;
1821 But her asshole was purple and blue.
1823 Flappity, floppity, flip
1824 The mouse on the Mobius strip;
1827 In a chronodimensional skip.
1829 Floating idly one day through the air,
1830 A circus performer named Blair,
1831 Tied a sizeable rock,
1832 To the end of his cock,
1833 And shattered a balcony chair.
1835 Fond of equestrians, Mabel
1836 Looked for true love in the stable.
1837 But she found the studs,
1838 For her were all duds,
1839 Now she's out with the leg of a table.
1841 For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
1842 Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
1843 He's endowed with a dong
1844 That is 12 inches long,
1845 So he wedges his foot in the door.
1847 For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
1848 That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
1851 Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
1853 "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
1854 "You have told me my bosom is snowy;
1855 You have made much fine verse on
1856 Each part of my person,
1857 Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
1859 From deep in the crypt at St. Giles
1860 Came a bellow that echoed for miles.
1861 Said the rector, "My gracious,
1863 Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?"
1865 From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews,
1866 There is really abominable news;
1867 They've discovered a head
1868 In the box for the bread,
1869 But nobody seems to know whose.
1872 From the bathing machine came a din
1873 As of jollification within;
1874 It was heard far and wide,
1875 And the incoming tide
1876 Had a definite flavour of gin.
1879 "Fucked by the finger of Fate!"
1880 Bewailed a young fellow named Tate.
1881 "Since dating Miss Baugh,
1882 My whole tongue has been raw--
1883 It must have been something I ate."
1885 Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
1886 It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
1887 It makes you sick, it makes you well,
1888 It turns your spine to fucking jell,
1889 It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
1891 Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
1892 Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
1893 But her genital area
1894 Is so vast it'll scareya,
1895 And you venture inside at your peril.
1897 God's plan made a hopeful beginning
1898 But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
1899 We trust that the story
1900 Will end in God's glory
1901 But at present, the other side's winning.
1903 Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
1904 Who came to Rumania's rescue?
1905 It's a wonderful thing
1906 To be under a king--
1907 Is democracy better, I esk you?
1909 Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
1910 Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
1913 But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
1915 Have you heard of the lady named Cox
1916 Who had a capacious old box?
1917 When her lover was in place
1918 She said, "Please turn your face.
1919 I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
1921 Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
1922 And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
1923 How they lift the frock
1925 Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
1927 Having made a remark rather coarse,
1928 A young lady was seized with remorse;
1929 She fled from the room,
1931 Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
1934 He dove down overweighted with lead.
1935 Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
1936 He flapped and he flailed,
1937 Spit his hose and he wailed,
1938 Swallowed water and found himself dead.
1940 He hated to mend, so young Ned
1941 Called in a cute neighbor instead.
1942 Her husband said, "Vi,
1943 When you stitched up his torn fly,
1944 Did you have to bite off the thread?"
1946 He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
1947 Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
1948 Then his gargantuan pole in
1949 Her pink, tight, and swollen
1950 Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
1952 He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
1953 They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
1954 So he put Spanish fly
1955 In their pudding and pie
1956 And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
1958 "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
1959 "I won't suck his filthy old prick!
1960 It's not that I funk
1961 At a mouthful of spunk,
1962 But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
1964 Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
1965 Could rotate his pecker, and then
1966 He would shoot through his rear
1968 Of the girls, and the envy of men.
1970 Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
1971 Had morals the city might soften.
1972 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
1973 Are you living in sin?"
1974 Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
1976 His shy bride admitted to Crandall
1977 That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
1978 But a cock like his dick
1979 Gave her ten times the kick,
1980 Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
1982 I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
1983 Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
1984 I replied, "Simple shagging
1986 Is only for screwing canoeing."
1988 "I do love a lay every day,
1989 So whenever you're coming this way
1990 Just phone in advance
1991 And I'll jerk off my pants,
1992 And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
1994 I know of a fortunate Hindu
1995 Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
1996 By the ladies he knows,
1997 Who are thrilled to the toes
1998 By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
2000 I met a young man in Chungking
2001 Who had a very long thing --
2002 But you'll guess my surprise
2003 When I found that its size
2004 Just measured a third-finger ring!
2006 I never had Miss Defauw,
2007 But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
2008 If she'd only said "No"
2009 When I wanted her so;
2010 But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
2012 I once had the wife of a Dean
2013 Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
2014 She remarked with some gaiety,
2015 "Not bad for the laiety,
2016 Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
2018 I once met a lassie named Ruth
2019 In a long distance telephone booth.
2020 Now I know the perfection
2021 Of an ideal connection
2022 Even if somewhat uncouth.
2024 I once was annoyed by a queer
2025 Who made his intentions quite clear.
2026 Said I, "I'm no prude,
2027 So don't think me rude,
2028 But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
2030 I wish that my room had a floor;
2031 I don't so much care for a door,
2032 But this walking around
2033 Without touching the ground
2034 Is getting to be quite a bore!
2037 I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
2038 Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
2039 I wonder can she tell
2040 That I've been raising hell;
2041 Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?
2043 My wife is just as nice as can be,
2044 I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
2045 For an afternoon of joy,
2046 Is hell on the old boy,
2047 I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
2049 I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
2050 I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
2051 She said it was crude
2052 To be wooed in the nude--
2053 I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
2055 I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
2056 I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
2057 And in all my lewd life
2058 I've met none like your wife,
2059 So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
2061 I'd rather have fingers than toes,
2062 I'd rather have ears than a nose,
2063 And a happy erection
2064 Brought just to perfection
2065 Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
2067 If continence causes neurosis
2068 And intercourse causes thrombosis
2071 Than live in a state of psychosis.
2073 If you find for your verse there's no call,
2074 And you can't afford paper at all,
2075 For the true poet born,
2077 There is always the lavat'ry wall.
2079 If you're speaking of actions immoral
2080 The how about giving the laurel
2081 To doughty Queen Esther,
2082 No three men could best her --
2083 One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
2085 If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
2086 Employ first-order predicate calculus.
2087 With sufficient formality,
2088 The sheerest banality,
2089 Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
2091 Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
2092 D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
2093 Il la mene chaque soir
2095 Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
2098 Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
2099 Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
2100 Il dit:"quant a' moi,
2101 Je deteste tous les trois,
2102 Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
2104 Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
2105 Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
2107 J'entends quelqu'un venait."
2108 Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
2110 Il y avait une madame de Lahore
2111 Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
2112 Mais la vagine tres forte,
2113 Toujours ouverte la porte,
2114 Encore, et encore, et encore.
2116 In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
2117 Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
2118 His wife said, "Oh, stuff
2119 That philosophy guff
2120 Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
2122 In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
2123 Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
2124 But this lubricant lapse
2125 Isn't noticed, perhaps
2126 Because nobody does in Duluth.
2128 In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
2129 Was the first time I ever laid down,
2130 I was both proud and shy
2131 As he opened his fly
2132 And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.
2134 Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
2135 As it went in I made not a sound,
2136 The more that he shoved it
2137 The more that I loved it,
2138 As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
2140 In my sweet little night gown of blue,
2141 On the first night that I slept with you,
2142 I was both shy and scared
2143 As the bed was prepared,
2144 And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.
2146 As we both watched the break of day,
2147 And in peaceful submission I lay,
2148 You said you adored it
2149 But dammit, you tore it,
2150 My sweet little night gown of blue.
2152 In the case of a lady named Frost,
2153 Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost,
2154 It's the best part of valor
2155 To bugger the gal, or
2156 You're apt to fall in and get lost.
2158 In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
2159 Massaging the bust of his madam,
2160 He chuckled with mirth,
2161 For he knew that on earth,
2162 There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
2164 In the little French town of Le'Beau,
2165 Lived a maiden exceedingly droll.
2166 At a masquerade ball,
2167 Clad in nothing at all,
2168 She backed in as a Parker house roll.
2170 In the shade of the old apple tree
2171 Where between her fat legs I could see
2173 With the hair in a knot,
2174 And it certainly looked good to me.
2176 I asked as I tickled her tit
2177 If she thought that my big thing would fit.
2178 She said it would do
2179 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree
2180 In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me.
2181 In the soft dewy grass
2182 I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass
2183 As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see.
2185 But you should have seen mine
2186 In the shade of the old apple tree.
2188 It always delights me at Hank's
2189 To walk up the old river banks.
2190 One time in the grass
2191 I stepped on an ass,
2192 And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks."
2194 It had snowed, and the man in the drift,
2195 Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?"
2196 They sat in her Bentley,
2197 She fondled him gently,
2198 And the lift that he'd asked for was swift!
2200 It takes little strain and no art
2201 To bang out an echoing fart.
2202 The reaction is hearty
2203 When you fart at a party,
2204 But the sensitive persons depart.
2206 King Louis gave a lesson in class,
2207 One time while enjoying a lass.
2208 When she used the word "Damn"
2209 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
2210 Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
2212 "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth,
2213 "In a long-distance telephone booth,
2214 I enjoyed the perfection
2215 Of an ideal connection --
2216 I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
2218 Les salons de la ville de Trieste
2219 Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
2220 Parmi les grandes chaises
2221 On cause des malaises,
2222 Des estropiements, et des pestes.
2225 Limericks are art forms complex,
2226 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
2227 They usually have virgins,
2228 And masculine urgin's,
2229 And other erotic effects.
2231 Limericks are art forms complex,
2232 Their topics run chiefly to sex.
2233 They usually have virgins,
2234 And masculine urgin's,
2235 And other erotic effects.
2237 Love letters no longer they write us,
2238 To their homes they so seldom invite us.
2239 It grieves me to say,
2240 They have learned with dismay,
2241 We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
2243 Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
2244 She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
2245 If you want to get laid,
2246 Then we'll have to tribade!"
2247 (But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
2249 McCoy's a seducer galore,
2250 And of virgins he has quite a score.
2251 He tells them, "My dear,
2252 You're the Final Frontier,
2253 Where man never has gone before."
2255 Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
2256 Afflicted with psychotic warps.
2259 And then vomit all over the corpse.
2261 Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
2262 Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
2263 When he's under the weather
2264 They can't get together,
2265 So others get into her box.
2267 `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
2268 I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava.
2269 The ship was all white
2270 But it creaked in the night,
2271 And the band, they did not know la java."
2274 Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
2275 Who said with a wink and a smile,
2276 "Sure, please stick it in,
2277 Be it thick be it thin,
2278 But if rough I won't do as a file."
2280 Oden the bardling averred
2281 His muse was the bum of a bird,
2282 And his Lesbian wife
2283 Would finger his fife
2284 While Fisherwood waited as third.
2286 Of his face she thought not very much,
2287 But then, at the very first touch,
2288 Her attitude shifted --
2289 He was terribly gifted
2290 At frigging and fucking and such.
2292 Oh pity the prince, Montezuma
2293 He tried to make love to a puma.
2294 Seems the puma, in play,
2295 Tore his testes away --
2296 An example of animal huma.
2298 Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent!
2299 Her cunt is so dreadfully bent,
2300 The poor wench doth stammer,
2301 "I need a sledgehammer
2302 To pound a man into my vent."
2304 On a cannibal isle near Malaysia
2305 Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
2308 Whatever or whoever lays her.
2310 On a ship wrecked far out at sea,
2311 The girl said, "I can't seem to pee."
2312 "Aha!" said the mate,
2313 "That settles the fate
2314 Of the captain, the pilot, and me."
2316 On day a Monterey daughter
2317 Did scuba down under the water.
2320 And they say t'was a otter that gotter.
2322 On the breast of a lady named Gail,
2323 Was tattooed the price of her tail.
2325 For the sake of the blind,
2326 Was the same information -- in Braille.
2328 On the porch of a dude named Horatio,
2329 His girl got a yen for fellatio.
2330 As she sucked on his dingus
2331 He tried cunnilingus
2332 But the cops ran 'em off of that patio.
2334 Once a young gay from Khartoum,
2335 Took a lesbian up to his room.
2336 They argued all night
2337 Over who had the right
2338 To do what, and with which, and to whom.
2340 Once was a hooker named Gail,
2341 Busted and sent-off to jail,
2342 She liked the jailer,
2343 He wanted to nail her,
2344 So Gail made bail with her tail.
2346 One evening a guru had coitus
2347 With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
2348 When asked what position
2349 He used for coition,
2350 He answered serenely, "the lotus."
2352 One night a girl had an affair
2353 With a fellow all covered with hair.
2354 Then she picked up his hat
2356 She'd been had by Smokey the Bear.
2358 Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr,
2359 Has invented a new kind of car.
2360 With a tank full of shit
2361 There's no stopping it --
2362 For short trips, two poots take you far.
2364 Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer
2365 Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?"
2366 She declined and declined
2367 Till approached from behind...
2368 When her summer turned out quite a bummer!
2370 Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware,
2371 He announced as he folded with flair,
2372 "I had four of a kind,
2373 But those aces combined,
2374 Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair."
2376 Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis
2377 Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus.
2378 At her first sight of one
2380 And last was seen sprinting through Dallas.
2382 Pour guerir un acces de fievre
2383 Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre;
2384 Il le prit a son trou,
2385 Et fit faire un ragout
2386 Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre.
2389 Prince Absalom lay with his sister
2390 And bundled and nibbled and kissed her,
2391 But the kid was so tight,
2392 And it was deep night --
2393 Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
2395 Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor
2396 For having it off with his Mater;
2398 That's the gist of the plot,
2399 And he did -- nine soliloquies later.
2400 -- Stanley J. Sharpless
2402 Prope mare erat tubulator
2403 Qui virginem ingrediebatur.
2406 Est mihi inquit tubulator.
2408 Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs,
2409 "The men like to spread my two legs,
2410 Then slip in between,
2411 If you know what I mean,
2412 And leave me the white of their eggs."
2414 Said a decadent wench of Bombay :
2415 "This has been a most wonderful day.
2417 At least twenty farts,
2418 Two shits, and a bloody fine lay."
2420 Said a girl who upon her divan
2421 Was attacked by a virile young man:
2422 "Such excess of passion
2423 Is quite out of fashion"
2424 And she fractured his wrist with her fan.
2427 Said a happy young man of Fort Drum :
2428 "What care I for this shortage of gum?
2431 With a goodly amount of fresh come."
2433 Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
2434 "My favorite sport is coitus."
2435 But a fullback from State
2436 Made her period late,
2437 And now she has athlete's fetus
2439 Said a lecherous fellow named Shea,
2440 When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay,
2441 "You must seize it, and squeeze it,
2442 And tease it, and please it,
2443 For Rome wasn't built in a day."
2445 Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad;
2446 Of all the girls that I've had,
2447 None gave me the thrill
2448 Of real rapture until
2449 I learned how to be a tribade."
2451 Said a madam named Mamie La Farge
2452 To a sailor just off of a barge,
2453 "We have one girl that's dead,
2454 With a hole in her head--
2455 Of course there's a slight extra charge."
2457 Said a modest young miss to de Sade,
2458 I'm simply too shy and afraid
2459 To take part in your pranks.
2460 But to show you my thanks,
2461 I'd just love to become your first aide.
2463 Said a pornographistic young poet
2464 "Although I perhaps do not show it,
2466 Is wearing quite thin,
2467 And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
2469 Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
2470 Whose virtue was largely a myth,
2471 "Try as hard as I can,
2473 That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
2475 Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
2476 "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour."
2478 At night that's not so--
2479 He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
2481 Said Einstein, "I have an equation
2482 Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
2483 Let _
\bV be virginity
2484 Approaching infinity;
2485 Let _
\bP be a constant persuasion;
2487 "Let _
\bV over _
\bP be inverted
2488 With the square root of _
\bM_
\bu inserted
2489 _
\bN times into _
\bV ...
2491 Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
2493 Said Francesca, "My lack of volition
2494 Is leading me straight to perdition;
2495 But I haven't the strength
2497 Of making an act of contrition."
2500 Said President Jobcock one day :
2501 "War's better than love, I should say.
2502 Instead of a virgin,
2503 It's murder I'm urgin'--
2504 You get lots more blood that-a-way."
2506 Said sneering Mohammed el-Din :
2507 "Only infidel dogs put it in.
2510 Till the juice dribbles off of our chin."
2512 Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers,
2513 In a cunt halfway up to his ears :
2514 "This nautch is delicious,
2515 And without doubt nutritious.
2516 She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!"
2518 Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea,
2519 "Young man, do you fart when you pee?"
2520 I replied with some wit,
2521 "Do you belch when you shit?"
2522 I think that was one up for me.
2524 Said the nun as the bishop withdrew,
2525 "This must be our final adieu,
2526 For the vicar is slicker,
2527 And thicker, and quicker,
2528 And two inches longer than you."
2530 Saint Peteer was once heard to boast
2531 That he'd had all the heavenly host :
2533 And then - just for fun -
2534 The hole in the Holy Ghost.
2536 Says an airlining wanton named Vi:
2537 "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly.
2538 To a muffer's delight,
2539 I'll take head on a flight,
2540 So the guy can have pie in the sky."
2542 She begged and she pleaded for more.
2543 I said, "We've already had four,
2544 And I'm sure that you've heard,
2545 Though it's somewhat absurd,
2546 That eros spelt backwards is sore."
2548 She made a thing of soft leather,
2549 And topped off the end with a feather.
2550 When she poked it inside her
2551 She took off like a glider,
2552 And gave up her lover forever.
2554 She stood there and peeled off her clothes,
2555 And begged for a bang : goodness knows
2557 And I sizzled to scrure,
2558 But the push had gone out of my hose.
2560 She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety,
2561 When the chain on her motorcycle broke,
2562 Now she's lying in the grass,
2563 With the muffler up her ass,
2564 And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes.
2566 She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr."
2567 Not because, when she came in, he kr.,
2568 But she knew, just before
2569 She opened the door,
2570 This same Mr. had kr. sr.
2572 She wasn't what one could call pretty
2573 And other girls offered her pity,
2575 That her Wasserman test
2576 Involved half the men in the city.
2578 Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray!
2579 I'm agog with excitement today!
2580 And the reason of course,
2582 Said the snow blower's heading this way!"
2584 Sighed a neat little package named Annie :
2585 "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny,
2586 Plus the yen, but the men
2587 Only call now and then--
2588 Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?"
2590 "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay,
2591 "Come on, take it out, and let's play."
2592 He pulled it on out,
2593 But she started to pout,
2594 His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout.
2596 So here was this fellow of Strensall
2597 Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil,
2599 But an interesting screw,
2600 Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.
2602 So it's ai yi yi yi,
2603 Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky!
2604 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
2605 And waltz me around by my willie!
2607 There once was a man from Nantucket!
2608 Whose cock was so long he could suck it!
2609 He said with a grin,
2610 As he wiped off his chin,
2611 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!
2613 So it's ai yi yi yi,
2614 Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles!
2615 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
2616 And waltz me around by my willie!
2618 There once was a young man from Boston!
2619 Who drove around town in an Austin!
2620 There was room for his ass,
2621 And a gallon of gas,
2622 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em!
2624 So it's ai yi yi yi,
2625 Your sister swims out to meet troop ships!
2626 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
2627 And waltz me around by my willie!
2629 There once was a man from Racine!
2630 Who invented a screwing machine!
2631 Both concave and convex,
2632 It could please either sex,
2633 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
2635 So it's ai yi yi yi,
2636 Your girlfriend douches with Drano!
2637 So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse,
2638 And waltz me around by my willie!
2640 One night a girl had an affair!
2641 With a fellow all covered with hair!
2642 His enormous red whang,
2643 Gave her a wonderful bang --
2644 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear!
2646 Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy,
2647 Drank up several bottles of sherry;
2648 In the Yard around three
2649 They were shrieking with glee:
2650 "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!"
2653 Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester,
2654 She obliges all who accost her.
2655 She welcomes the prick
2656 Of Tom, Harry or Dick,
2657 Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor.
2659 That Harvard don down at El Djim --
2660 Oh, wasn't it nasty of him,
2661 With the whole harem randy,
2662 The sheik himself handy,
2663 To muss up a young camel's quim.
2665 That naughty old Sappho of Greece
2666 Said: "What I prefer to a piece
2667 Is to have my pudenda
2668 Rubbed hard by the enda
2669 The little pink nose of my niece."
2671 The acrobats -- Tom and Louise --
2672 Do an act in the nude on their knees.
2673 They crawl down the aisle
2674 While screwing dog-style,
2675 As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees."
2677 The babe, with a cry brief and dismal,
2678 Fell into the water baptismal;
2679 Ere they'd gathered its plight,
2680 It had sunk out of sight,
2681 For the depth of the font was abysmal.
2684 The bedsprings next door jounce and creak :
2685 They have kept me awake for a week.
2688 To develop their fucking technique?
2690 The bishop of Alexandretta
2691 Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her.
2692 So he thought he'd enshrine her
2694 In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.
2696 The bustard's a remarkable fowl
2697 With surely no reason to growl
2698 He escapes what would be
2700 By the grace of a fortunate vowel.
2702 The cruelest of creatures' the crab
2703 With claws that can pinch you or stab,
2704 And then when you dine
2705 On crab and white wine
2706 It gets you as well with the tab.
2708 The Dowager Duchess of Spout
2709 Collapsed at the height of a rout;
2710 She found strength to say
2711 As they bore her away:
2712 "I should never have taken the trout."
2715 The Enterprise crew when off work
2716 Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk.
2718 Is shacked up with Sulu,
2719 And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk.
2721 The Enterprise girls, so one hears,
2722 Have chased Spock for several years.
2724 Has spared them great pain,
2725 For his prick is as sharp as his ears.
2727 The fearless old bishop of Brest
2728 Put his faith in the Lord to the test.
2729 He fucked whores in the apse
2730 With chancres and claps,
2731 But first they were sprinkled and blessed.
2733 The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley
2734 Came to light with its face in its belly;
2736 With a hump and a horn,
2737 And her third was as shapeles as jelly.
2740 The genital area of Ann
2741 Will accommodate any size man,
2742 From the wee that cause titters
2743 To the mighty twat-splitters
2744 That cause screams peasants hear in Japan.
2746 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
2748 My back aches, my pussy is sore;
2749 I simply can't fuck any more;
2750 I'm covered with sweat,
2751 And you haven't come yet,
2752 And my God, it's a quarter to four!
2754 The Grecians were famed for fine art,
2755 And buildings and stonework so smart.
2756 They distinguished with poise
2757 The men from the boys,
2758 And used crowbars to keep them apart.
2760 The King named Oedipus Rex
2761 Who started this fuss about sex
2762 Put the world to great pains
2763 By the spots and the stains
2764 Which he made on his mother's pubex.
2766 The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard
2767 To make her fuck hot, but got flustered,
2768 And cried, "Oh, my dear,
2769 I am coming, I fear,
2770 But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'."
2772 The kings of Peru were the Incas,
2773 Who were known far and wide as great drincas.
2774 They worshipped the sun
2775 And had lots of fun,
2776 But the peasants all thought they were stincas.
2778 The late Brigham Young was no neuter --
2779 No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter.
2780 Where ten thousand virgins
2781 Succumbed to his urgin's
2782 There now stands the great State of Utah.
2784 The latest reports from Good Hope
2785 State that apes there have pricks thick as rope,
2786 And fuck high, wide, and free,
2787 From the top of one tree
2788 To the top of the next -- what a scope!
2790 The limerick is furtive and mean;
2791 You must keep her in close quarantine,
2792 Or she sneaks to the slums
2793 And promptly becomes
2794 Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.
2797 The limerick, a verse form iniquitous,
2798 Has nonetheless been ubiquitous.
2799 Once Congress in session,
2800 Declared its suppression,
2801 But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter.
2803 The long-peckered Bey of Algiers
2804 Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears.
2806 This buffersome he-man
2807 Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears.
2809 The moyel who treated young Alec
2810 Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic.
2813 He rendered the poor boy biphallic.
2815 The new cinematic emporium
2816 Is not just a super-sensorium,
2817 But a highly effectual
2819 Mutual masturbatorium.
2821 The nipples of Sarah Sarong
2822 When excited are twelve inches long
2823 This embarrassed her lover
2824 Who was pained to discover
2825 She expected no less of his dong
2827 The notorious Duchess of Peels
2828 Saw a fisherman fishing for eels.
2829 Said she, "Would you mind? --
2830 Shove one up my behind.
2831 I am anxious to know how it feels."
2833 The office brown-noser named Bunky
2834 Would claim he was nobody's flunky.
2835 But when the chips were all down,
2836 His proboscis was brown,
2837 And there hung many strands which were gunky.
2839 The old archeologist, Throstle,
2840 Discovered a marvelous fossil.
2841 He knew from its bend
2842 And the knot on the end,
2843 'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle.
2845 The once was a man from Bombay
2846 Who modeled his cunts out of clay
2847 So hot was his prick
2848 That he turned them to brick
2849 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
2851 The partition of Vavasour Scowles
2852 Was a sickener: they came on his bowels
2853 In a firkin; his brain
2854 Was found clogging a drain,
2855 And his toes were inside of some towels.
2858 The prick of the engineer, Scott,
2859 Fell off from Saturnian rot.
2860 He went to the basement
2861 And made a replacement
2862 Of tungsten and plastic and snot.
2864 The randy old Bey of Algiers
2865 Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers,
2866 Tried a cunt for a change,
2867 And remarked : "It felt strange ...
2868 Just think what I've missed all these years!"
2870 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
2871 Called a girl a most elegant creature.
2872 So she laid on her back
2873 And, exposing her crack,
2874 Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!"
2876 The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
2877 Called a hen a most elegant creature.
2878 The hen, pleased with that,
2879 Laid an egg in his hat --
2880 And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
2881 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
2883 The Shah of the Empire of Persia
2884 Lay for days in a sexual merger.
2885 When the nautch asked the Shah,
2886 "Won't you ever withdraw?"
2887 He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
2889 The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
2890 At breakfast with horrid dismay,
2891 So he launched off the spoons
2892 The pits from his prunes
2893 At their heads as they neared the buffet.
2896 The skater, Barbara Ann Scott
2897 Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot,
2898 That when posed on her toes
2899 She elaborately shows
2900 Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat.
2902 The spouse of a pretty young thing
2903 Came home from the wars in the spring.
2904 He was lame but he came
2905 With his dame like a flame --
2906 A discharge is a wondeful thing.
2908 The star of that X-rated hit
2909 Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
2910 This serves as a palace
2911 For each turgid phallus--
2912 Some say that the plot is pure shit.
2914 The Sultan was peeved with his harem,
2915 And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em.
2916 He caught a big mouse
2917 Which he loosed in the house.
2918 (Such confusion is called harem-scarem).
2920 "The testes are cooler outside,"
2921 Said the doc to the curious bride,
2922 "For the semen must not
2923 Get too fucking hot,
2924 And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
2926 The wife of young Richard of Limerick
2927 Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick,
2928 Still grows in diameter
2929 Each time that you ram at her;
2930 How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?"
2932 The woman who lives on the moon
2933 Is still cherishing the balloon
2934 Of an earthling who'd come
2936 But had dribbled away all too soon.
2938 The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter
2939 Is not merely reading a meter.
2942 Is dosing the food with saltpeter.
2944 The world is so full of a number of things,
2945 I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings.
2946 I'll tell you a story--
2947 It won't take me long--
2948 Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song.
2950 There was an old fellow and what do you think?
2951 He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink.
2952 He whacked it, he hacked it,
2953 He ate it with glee-
2954 Was there ever a fellow so happy as he?
2956 This charming old chap had a sister as well :
2957 She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
2958 Her cunt was so dirty
2959 It stank like a beast,
2960 And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
2962 What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
2963 I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
2965 Won't soon be forgotton,
2966 And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
2968 There a young man from the Coast
2969 Who had an affair with a ghost.
2970 At the height of orgasm
2971 Said the pallid phantasm,
2972 "I think I can feel it -- almost!"
2974 There are some things we mustn't expose,
2975 So we hide them away in our clothes.
2976 Oh, it's shocking to stare
2977 At what's certainly there--
2978 But why this is so, heaven knows.
2980 There is a young faggot named Mose
2981 Who insists that you fuck his long nose.
2982 And you'll double the joy
2983 Of this lecherous boy
2984 If you'll tickle his balls with your toes.
2986 There is a young lady named Aird,
2987 Whose bottom is always kept bared.
2988 When asked why she pouts,
2989 She says "The Boy Scouts,
2990 All beg me to please Be Prepared!"
2992 There once was a bishop from Birmingham
2993 Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em.
2994 As they knelt on the hassock
2995 He lifted his cassock
2996 And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em.
2998 There once was a boy named Carruthers
2999 Who was busily fucking his mother
3000 "I know it's a sin,"
3001 He said, shoving it in,
3002 "But it's better than blowing my brother."
3004 There once was a chick named Longet,
3005 Who went out to Aspen to play.
3006 Along came a Spyder,
3007 Who sat down beside her
3008 And she blew the poor bastard away.
3010 There once was a clergyman's daughter
3011 Who detested the pony he bought her,
3012 Till she found that its dong
3013 Was as hard and as long
3014 As the prayers her father had taught her.
3016 She married a fellow named Tony
3017 Who soon found her fucking the pony.
3018 Said he, "What's it got,
3019 My dear, that I've not?"
3020 Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna."
3022 There once was a couple named Kelley,
3023 Who lived their life belly to belly.
3024 Because in their haste
3025 They used library paste,
3026 Instead of petroleum jelly.
3028 There once was a dentist named Stone
3029 Who saw all his patients alone.
3030 In a fit of depravity
3031 He filled the wrong cavity,
3032 And my, how his practice has grown!
3034 There once was a Duchess of Beever
3035 Who slept with her golden retriever.
3036 Said the potted old Duke :
3037 "Such tricks make me puke!
3038 Were it not for her money, I'd leave her."
3040 There once was a Duchess of Bruges
3041 Whose cunt was incredibly huge.
3042 Said the king to this dame
3043 As he thunderously came:
3044 "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!"
3046 There once was a fairy named Avers
3047 Who encircled his cock with lifesavers.
3048 Though buggers all claimed
3049 That their asses were maimed,
3050 Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors.
3052 There once was a fellow named Bob
3053 Who in sexual ways was a snob.
3054 One day he was swimmin'
3055 With twelve naked women
3056 And deserted them all for a gob.
3058 There once was a fellow named Brewster
3059 Who said to his wife, as he goosed her,
3060 "It used to be grand
3062 You're not wiping as clean as ya uster."
3064 There once was a fellow named Howard,
3065 Whose tool it was nuclear-powered,
3066 While grabbing some ass,
3067 He reached critical mass,
3068 But think of the girl he deflowered!
3070 There once was a fellow named Potts
3071 Who was prone to having the trots
3072 But his humble abode
3073 Was without a commode
3074 So his carpet was covered with spots.
3076 There once was a fellow named Siegel
3077 Who attempted to bugger a beagle,
3078 But the mettlesome bitch
3079 Turned and said with a twitch,
3080 "It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
3082 There once was a fellow named Sweeney
3083 Who spilled gin all over his weenie.
3086 And slipped his amour a martini.
3088 There once was a fiesty young terrier
3089 Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
3090 He'd yip and he'd yap,
3091 Then leap up and snap;
3092 And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
3094 There once was a floozie named Annie
3095 Whose prices were cosy--but cannie:
3097 Fifty cents for a suck,
3098 And a dime for a feel of her fanny.
3100 There once was a freshman named Lin,
3101 Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
3103 From a bible belt home,
3104 Said "This won't be much of a sin."
3106 There once was a gangster named Brown
3107 -- the sneakiest bastard in town.
3108 He was caught by G-men
3110 Where the cops would slip and fall down.
3112 There once was a gaucho named Bruno,
3113 Who said, "About sex, well, I do know,
3114 Sheep are just fine,
3116 But iguanas are Numero Uno."
3118 There once was a gay young Parisian
3119 Who screwed an appendix incision,
3120 And the girl of his choice
3121 Could hardly rejoice
3122 At the horrible lack of precision.
3124 There once was a girl from Cornell
3125 Whose teats were shaped like a bell.
3126 When you touched them they shrunk,
3127 Except when she was drunk,
3128 And then they got bigger than hell.
3130 There once was a girl from Decatur,
3131 Who got laid by a big alligator.
3133 The result of that screw,
3134 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her.
3136 There once was a girl from Madras
3137 Who had such a beautiful ass --
3138 It was not round and pink
3139 (As you bastards think)
3140 But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass.
3142 There once was a girl from Spokane,
3143 Went to bed with a one-legged man.
3144 She said, "I know you--
3145 You've really got two!
3146 Why didn't you say so when we began?"
3148 There once was a girl named Irene
3149 Who lived on distilled kerosene
3150 But she started absorbin'
3152 And since then has never benzene.
3154 There once was a girl named Irene
3155 Who lived on distilled kerosene
3156 But she started absorbin'
3158 And since then has never benzene.
3160 There once was a girl named Louise
3161 Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
3162 The crabs in her twat
3163 Tied the hairs in a knot
3164 And constructed a flying trapeze.
3166 There once was a girl named Mcgoffin
3167 Who was diddled amazingly often.
3168 She was rogered by scores
3169 Who'd been turned down by whores,
3170 And was finally screwed in her coffin.
3172 There once was a girl named Priscilla
3173 Whose vagina was flavored vanilla.
3174 The taste was so fine
3175 Man and beast stood in line
3176 (Including a stud armadilla).
3178 There once was a girl so lovely,
3179 Who wanted to make love in the bubbly,
3180 She strapped on her tanks,
3181 And started her pranks,
3182 But the lobsters all thought she was ugly.
3184 There once was a golfer named Leer,
3185 Who got put in the clink for a year,
3186 For an action obscene,
3187 On the very first green.
3188 Where the sign said "Enter course here."
3190 There once was a gouty old colonel
3191 Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal,
3192 And he cried in his tiffin
3193 For his prick wouldn't stiffen,
3194 And the size of the thing was infernal.
3196 There once was a guardsman from Buckingham
3197 Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em.
3198 But when I meet boys,
3200 Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em."
3202 There once was a hacker named Ken
3203 Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
3204 So he built him some chicks,
3206 And hasn't been heard from since then.
3208 There once was a handsome young seaman
3209 Who with ladies was really a demon.
3212 He could certainly dish out the semen.
3214 There once was a horny old bitch
3215 With a motorized self-frigger which
3216 She would use with delight
3217 All day long and all night -
3218 Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch.
3220 There once was a horse named Lily
3221 Whose dingus was really a dilly.
3222 It was vaginoid duply,
3223 And labial quadruply --
3224 In fact, he was really a filly.
3226 There once was a husky young Viking
3227 Whose sexual prowess was striking.
3228 Every time he got hot
3229 He would scour the twat
3230 Of some girl that might be to his liking.
3232 There once was a jolly old bloke
3233 Who picked up a girl for a poke.
3234 He took down her pants,
3235 Fucked her into a trance,
3236 And then shit into her shoe for a joke.
3238 There once was a kiddie named Carr
3239 Caught a man on top of his mar.
3240 As he saw him stick 'er,
3241 He said with a snicker,
3242 "You do it much faster than par."
3244 There once was a lady from Exeter,
3245 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
3246 One was even so brave
3247 As to take out and wave
3248 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
3250 There once was a lady from Kansas
3251 Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas.
3252 It was nine inches deep
3253 And the sides were quite steep --
3254 It had whiskers like General Carranza's.
3256 There once was a lady named Carter,
3257 Fell in love with a virile young Tartar.
3258 She stripped off his pants,
3259 At his prick quickly glanced,
3260 And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!"
3262 There once was a lady named Clair,
3263 Who possessed a magnificent pair.
3264 Or that's what I thought,
3265 Till I saw one get caught,
3266 On a thorn and begin losing air.
3268 There once was a lady named Myrtle
3269 Who had an affair with a turtle.
3270 She had crabs, so they say,
3272 Which proved that that turtle was fertile.
3274 There once was a lawyer named Rex
3275 With minuscule organs of sex.
3276 Arraigned for exposure,
3277 He maintained with composure,
3278 "De minimis non curat lex."
3280 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.]
3282 There once was a lifeguard named Lee
3283 Who rescued a girl from the sea
3284 She asked how to pay,
3285 And he said "Try this way,
3286 Go down for the third time on me."
3288 There once was a maid from Mobile
3289 Whose cunt was made of blue steel.
3290 She only got thrills
3291 From pneumatic drills
3292 And an off-centered emery wheel.
3294 There once was a man from Bombay
3295 He would do it all night and all day
3297 You shoulda' heard him roar
3298 When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay!
3300 There once was a man from Calcutta
3301 Who used to beat off in the gutta
3304 And turned all his cream into butta!
3306 There once was a man from Dunoon,
3307 Who always ate soup with a fork.
3309 Either fish, foul or flesh,
3310 I otherwise finish too quick."
3312 There once was a man from Exameter
3313 Who had a prodigious diameter
3314 But it wasn't the size
3315 That brought forth the cries
3316 'Twas his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
3318 There once was a man from Madras,
3319 Whose balls were made out of brass.
3320 When they clanged together,
3321 They played "Stormy Weather",
3322 And lightning shot out of his ass.
3324 There once was a man from Nantee
3325 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
3326 The results were most horrid
3327 All ass and no forehead
3328 Three balls and a purple goatee.
3330 There once was a man from Nantucket
3331 Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
3332 His daughter, named Nan,
3333 Ran away with a man,
3334 And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
3336 The pair of them went to Manhasset,
3337 (Nan and the man with the asset.)
3338 Pa followed them there,
3339 But they left in a tear,
3340 And as for the asset, Manhasset.
3342 Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket,
3343 (Nan and the man with the bucket.)
3345 "You're welcome to Nan."
3346 But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
3348 There once was a man from Nantucket
3349 Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
3351 As he wiped off his chin,
3352 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
3354 There once was a man from Racine,
3355 Who invented a screwing machine.
3356 Both concave and convex,
3357 It could please either sex,
3358 But, oh, what a bastard to clean!
3360 There once was a man from Sandem
3361 Who was making his girl on a tandem.
3362 At the peak of the make
3363 She jammed on the brake
3364 And scattered his semen at random.
3366 There once was a man from Sydney
3367 Who could put it up to her kidney.
3368 But the man from Quebec
3369 Put it up to her neck;
3370 He had a big one, now didn't he?
3372 There once was a man named Eugene
3373 Who invented a screwing machine
3375 It served either sex
3376 And it played with itself in between.
3378 There once was a man named McGruder,
3379 Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder.
3380 But the girl thought it crude,
3381 To be wooed in the nude,
3382 So McGru took an oar and subduder.
3384 There once was a man named McSweeny
3385 Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney
3388 And slipped his best girl a martini.
3390 There once was a man named Parridge
3391 With peculiar views on marriage.
3392 He sucked off his brother,
3393 Fucked his own mother,
3394 And gobbled his sister's miscarriage.
3396 There once was a man with a hernia
3397 Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya,
3398 When you work on my middle
3399 Be sure you don't fiddle
3400 With things that do not concern ya."
3402 There once was a member of Mensa
3403 Who was a most excellent fencer.
3404 The sword that he used
3405 Was his -- (line is refused,
3406 And has now been removed by the censor).
3408 There once was a miner named Dave,
3409 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
3410 She was ugly as shit,
3411 And missing one tit,
3412 But think of the money he saves.
3414 There once was a monk of Camyre
3415 Who was seized with a carnal desire
3416 And the primary cause
3417 Was the abbess's drawers
3418 Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
3420 There once was a newspaper vendor,
3421 A person of dubious gender.
3422 He would charge one-and-two
3423 For permission to view
3424 His remarkable double pudenda.
3426 There once was a plumber from Leigh,
3427 Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
3428 Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
3429 I think someone's coming!"
3430 Said he, "Yes, love, I know that, it's me."
3432 There once was a pretty young Mrs.
3433 Whose tearful but short story thrs.
3434 Her mind lost its grasp --
3435 Now she thinks she's an asp
3436 And just sits in the corner and hrs.
3438 There once was a queen of Bulgaria
3439 Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
3440 Till a prince from Peru
3441 Who came up for a screw
3442 Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
3444 There once was a reverend at Kings
3445 Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things.
3446 But his heart was on fire
3447 For a boy in the choir
3448 Whose buns were like jelly on springs.
3450 There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel
3451 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
3452 What they do to my wife --
3453 Why it ruins my life;
3454 And the worst is they all do it well."
3456 There once was a sailor named Gasted,
3457 A swell guy, as long as he lasted,
3458 He could jerk himself off
3460 Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead.
3462 There once was a Scot named McAmeter
3463 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
3465 That cause such surprise;
3466 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
3468 There once was a son-of-a-bitch,
3469 Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich,
3470 Yet the girls he would dazzle,
3471 And fuck to a frazzle,
3472 And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch!
3474 There once was a spaceman named Spock
3475 Who had a huge Vulcanized cock.
3476 A girl from Missouri
3477 Whose name was Uhura
3478 Just fainted away from the shock.
3480 There once was a Swede in Minneapolis,
3481 Discovered his sex life was hapless:
3482 The more he would screw
3483 The more he'd want to,
3484 And he feared he would soon be quite sapless.
3486 There once was a Usenetter named Mark,
3487 Whose gender was kept in the dark.
3488 He/she/it said with a nod,
3489 "My ancestors were odd!"
3490 Did Noah need two for the ark?
3492 There once was a whore from Regina
3493 Who had a stupendous vagina.
3494 To save herself time,
3495 She had six at a time,
3496 And another one working behind her.
3498 There once was a woman from Arden
3499 Who sucked off a man in a garden.
3500 He said, "My dear Flo,
3501 Where does all that stuff go?"
3502 And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?"
3504 There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield
3505 Engaged to look after the deacon's field,
3506 But he lurked in the ditches
3507 And diddled the bitches
3508 Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field.
3510 There once was a young fellow named Blaine,
3511 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
3512 She was ugly and smelly,
3513 With an awful pot-belly,
3514 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
3516 There once was a young girl from Natchez
3517 Who chanced to be born with two snatches
3518 She often said, "Shit!
3520 For a guy with equipment that matches."
3522 There once was a young man from Boston
3523 Who drove around town in an Austin,
3524 There was room for his ass,
3525 And a gallon of gas,
3526 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em.
3528 There once was a young man from France
3529 Who waited ten years for his chance;
3530 Then he muffed it...
3532 There once was a young man from Yuma
3533 Who attempted sex with a puma
3534 He gave up real quick
3535 Minus nose, toes, and prick
3536 In obvious pain and ill huma.
3538 There once was a young man from Yuma,
3539 Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
3540 Now his dry bleached bones lie,
3541 Under hot Asian skies,
3542 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma.
3544 There once was a young man named Clyde
3545 Who fell in an outhouse, and died.
3546 He had a twin brother
3548 And now they're interred side by side.
3550 There once was a young man named Gene,
3551 Who invented a screwing machine.
3553 It served either sex,
3554 And it played with itself in between.
3556 There once was a young man named Lancelot
3557 Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot
3558 For when he should pass
3560 The front of his pants would advance a lot.
3562 There once was an Arpanet freak,
3563 Who better response-time did seek.
3564 He searched coast to coast,
3565 For a reliable host,
3566 Whose logger took less than a week.
3568 There once was an old man from Esser,
3569 Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
3570 It at last grew so small,
3571 He knew nothing at all,
3572 And now he's a College Professor.
3574 There once was an old man from Esser,
3575 Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
3576 It at last grew so small,
3577 He knew nothing at all,
3578 And now he's a College Professor.
3580 There once were two brothers named Luntz
3581 Who buggered each other at once.
3582 When asked to account
3583 For this intricate mount,
3584 They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts."
3586 There once were two women from Birmingham.
3587 And this is the story concerning 'em.
3588 They lifted the frock
3589 And fondled the cock
3590 Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em.
3592 There was a bluestocking in Florence
3593 Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
3594 Till a Spanish grandee,
3595 Got her off with his knee,
3596 And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
3598 There was a family named Doe,
3599 An ideal family to know.
3600 As father screwed mother,
3601 She said, "You're heavier than brother."
3602 And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!"
3604 There was a fat lady of China
3605 Who'd a really enormous vagina,
3606 And when she was dead
3607 They painted it red,
3608 And used it for docking a liner.
3610 There was a fat man from Rangoon
3611 Whose prick was much like a ballon.
3612 He tried hard to ride her
3613 And when finally inside her
3614 She thought she was pregnant too soon.
3616 There was a gay countess of Bray,
3617 And you may think it odd when I say,
3618 That in spite of high station,
3620 She always spelled cunt with a 'k'.
3622 There was a gay dog from Ontario
3623 Who fancied himself a Lothario.
3625 He'd snatch off his pants
3626 And make for her Mons Venerio.
3628 There was a gay parson of Norton
3629 Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un.
3630 To make up for this loss,
3631 He had balls like a horse,
3632 And never spent less than a quartern.
3634 There was a gay parson of Tooting
3635 Whose roe he was frequently shooting,
3636 Till he married a lass
3637 With a face like my arse,
3638 And a cunt you could put a top-boot in.
3640 There was a girl from Aberystwyth
3641 Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with.
3642 The miller's son Jack
3643 Laid her flat on her back
3644 And united the organs they pissed with.
3646 There was a lewd fellow named Duff
3647 Who loved to dive deep in the muff.
3648 With his head in a whirl
3649 He said, "Spread it, Pearl;
3650 I cunt get enough of the stuff!"
3652 There was a man from Mich.
3653 Who used to wish and wich.
3654 That spring would come
3656 Around and go out fich.
3658 There was a pianist named Liszt
3659 Who played with one hand while he pissed,
3660 But as he grew older
3661 His technique grew bolder,
3662 And in concert jacked off with his fist.
3664 There was a poor parson from Goring,
3665 Who made a small hole in his flooring,
3666 Fur-lined it all round,
3667 Then laid on the ground,
3668 And declared it was cheaper than whoring.
3670 There was a strong man of Drumrig
3671 Who one day did seven times frig.
3672 He buggered three sailors,
3673 Four dogs and two tailors,
3674 And ended by fucking a pig.
3676 There was a teenager named Donna
3677 Who never said, "No, I don't wanna."
3678 Two days out of three
3679 She would shoot LSD,
3680 And on weekends she smoked marijuana.
3682 There was a young belle of old Natchez
3683 Whose garments were always in patchez.
3685 On the state of her clothes
3686 She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez."
3688 There was a young blade from South Greece
3689 Whose bush did so greatly increase
3690 That before he could shack
3691 He must hunt needle in stack.
3692 'Twas as bad as being obese.
3694 There was a young bride of Antigua
3695 Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!"
3696 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot!
3697 Why, you've only felt my twot,
3698 My legs and my arse and my figua!"
3700 There was a young bride, a Canuck,
3701 Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck.
3702 You say that I, maybe,
3703 Can have my first baby--
3704 Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!"
3706 There was a young chap in Arabia
3707 Who courted a widow named Fabia.
3708 "Yes, my tongue is as long
3709 As the average man's dong,"
3710 He said, licking the lips of her labia.
3712 There was a young cook with the art
3713 Of making a delicious tart
3714 With a handful of shit,
3715 Some snot and some spit,
3716 And he'd flavor the whole with a fart.
3718 There was a young curate whose brain
3719 Was deranged from the use of cocaine;
3720 He lured a small child
3721 To a copse dark and wild,
3722 Where he beat it to death with his cane.
3725 There was a young damsel named Baker
3726 Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker.
3727 He yelled, "My God! what
3728 Do you call this -- a twat?
3729 Why, the entrance is more than an acre!"
3731 There was a young dolly named Molly
3732 Who thought that to frig was a folly.
3733 Said she, "Your pee-pee
3734 Means nothing to me,
3735 But I'll do it just to be jolly."
3737 There was a young fellow called Clyde
3738 Who fell in an outhouse and died.
3739 He had a twin brother
3741 So now they're interred side by side.
3743 There was a young fellow from Cal.,
3744 In bed with a passionate gal.
3745 He leapt from the bed,
3746 To the toilet he sped;
3747 Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
3749 There was a young fellow from Florida
3750 Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
3751 When they got into bed
3752 He cried, "God strike me dead!
3753 This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!"
3755 There was a young fellow from Kent
3756 Whose cock was so long that it bent
3757 To save himself trouble
3759 And instead of coming, he went.
3761 There was a young fellow from Leeds
3762 Who swallowed a package of seeds.
3763 Great tufts of grass
3764 Sprouted out of his ass
3765 And his balls were all covered with weeds.
3767 There was a young fellow from Parma
3768 Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
3769 Said the damsel demure,
3770 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
3771 But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
3773 There was a young fellow name Tucker
3774 Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
3775 Said, "Don't bow out your lips
3776 Like an elephant's hips,
3777 The boys like it best when they pucker."
3779 There was a young fellow named Ades
3780 Whose favorite fruit was young maids.
3781 But sheep, nigger boys, whores,
3782 And the knot holes in doors
3783 Were by no means exempt from his raids.
3785 There was a young fellow named Babbitt
3786 Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
3787 But a girl from Johore
3788 Could do it twice more,
3789 Which was just enough extra to crab it.
3791 There was a young fellow named Bill,
3792 Who took an atomic pill,
3794 His asshole exploded,
3795 And they found his nuts in Brazil.
3797 There was a young fellow named Blaine,
3798 And he screwed some disgusting old jane.
3799 She was ugly and smelly
3800 With an awful pot-belly,
3801 But... well, they were caught in the rain.
3803 There was a young fellow named Bliss
3804 Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
3806 His recalcitrant penis
3807 Would never do better than t
3813 There was a young fellow named Bowen
3814 Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'.
3815 It grew so tremendous,
3816 So long and so pendulous,
3817 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'.
3819 There was a young fellow named Brewer
3820 Whose girl made her home in a sewer.
3821 Thus he, the poor soul,
3822 Could get into her hole,
3823 And still not be able to screw her!
3825 There was a young fellow named Case
3826 Who entered a cunt-lapping race.
3827 He licked his way clean
3828 Through Number thirteen,
3829 But then slipped and got pissed in the face.
3831 There was a young fellow named Charteris
3832 Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
3833 Said she, "I don't mind,
3834 And higher up you'll find
3835 The place where my fucker and farter is."
3837 There was a young fellow named Cribbs
3838 Whose cock was so big it had ribs.
3839 They were inches apart,
3840 And to suck it took art,
3841 While to fuck it took forty-two trips.
3843 There was a young fellow named Dick
3844 Who had a magnificent prick.
3845 It was shaped like a prism
3846 And shot so much gism
3847 It made every cocksucker sick.
3849 There was a young fellow named Feeney
3850 Whose girl was a terrible meany.
3851 The hatch of her snatch
3852 Had a catch that would latch
3853 -- She could only be screwed by Houdini.
3855 There was a young fellow named Fletcher,
3856 Was reputed an infamous lecher.
3857 When he'd take on a whore
3858 She'd need a rebore,
3859 And they'd carry him out on a stretcher.
3861 There was a young fellow named Fyfe
3862 Whose marriage was ruined for life,
3863 For he had an aversion
3864 To every perversion,
3865 And only liked fucking his wife.
3867 Well, one year the poor woman struck,
3868 And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
3869 And said, "Where have you gotten us
3870 With your goddamn monotonous
3871 Fuck after fuck after fuck?
3873 "I once knew a harlot named Lou --
3874 And a versatile girl she was, too.
3875 After ten years of whoredom
3876 She perished of boredom
3877 When she married a jackass like you!"
3879 There was a young fellow named Gene
3880 Who first picked his asshole quite clean.
3881 He next picked his toes,
3882 And lastly his nose,
3883 And he never did wash in between.
3885 There was a young fellow named Gluck
3886 Who found himself shit out of luck.
3887 Though he petted and wooed,
3888 When he tried to get screwed
3889 He found virgins just don't give a fuck.
3891 There was a young fellow named Goody
3892 Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he?
3893 If he found himself nude
3894 With a gal in the mood
3895 The question's not woody but could he?
3897 There was a young fellow named Grant
3898 Who was made like the sensitive plant.
3899 When they asked "Do you fuck?"
3900 He replied, "No such luck.
3901 I would if I could, but I can't."
3903 There was a young fellow named Grimes
3904 Who fucked his girl seventeen times
3905 In the course of a week --
3906 And this isn't to speak
3907 Of assorted venereal crimes.
3909 There was a young fellow named Harry,
3910 Had a joint that was long, huge and scary.
3911 He grabbed him a virgin,
3912 Who, without any urgin',
3913 Immediately spread like a fairy.
3915 There was a young fellow named Hatch
3916 Who was fond of the music of Bach.
3917 He said: "It's not fussy
3918 Like Brahms and Debussy;
3919 Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch."
3921 There was a young fellow named Kimble
3922 Whose prick was exceedingly nimble,
3923 But fragile and slender,
3924 And dainty and tender,
3925 So he kept it encased in a thimble.
3927 There was a young fellow named Meek
3928 Who invented a lingual technique.
3929 It drove women frantic,
3930 And made them romantic,
3931 And wore all the hair off his cheek.
3933 There was a young fellow named Morgan
3934 Who possessed an unusual organ:
3935 The end of his dong,
3936 Which was nine inches long,
3937 Was tipped with the head of a gorgon.
3939 There was a young fellow named Paul
3940 Who confessed, "I have only one ball.
3941 But the size of my prick
3942 Is God's dirtiest trick,
3943 For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'"
3945 There was a young fellow named Pell
3946 Who didn't like cunt very well.
3947 He would finger or fuck one,
3948 But never would suck one--
3949 He just couldn't get used to the smell.
3951 There was a young fellow named Price
3952 Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
3953 He had virgins and boys
3954 And mechanical toys,
3955 And on Mondays... he meddled with mice!
3957 There was a young fellow named Prynne
3958 Whose prick was so short and so thin,
3959 His wife found she needed
3960 A Fuckoscope -- she did --
3961 To see if he'd gotten it in.
3963 There was a young fellow named Skinner
3964 Who took a young lady to dinner
3965 At a quarter to nine,
3966 They sat down to dine,
3967 At twenty to ten it was in her.
3968 The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner.
3970 There was a young fellow named Tupper
3971 Who took a young lady to supper.
3972 At a quarter to nine,
3973 They sat down to dine,
3974 And at twenty to ten it was up her.
3975 Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!
3977 There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
3978 Whose girl was a terrible meanie,
3979 The hatch of her snatch,
3980 Had a catch that would latch,
3981 She could only be screwed by Houdini.
3983 There was a young fellow of Burma
3984 Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
3985 But now that he's married he's
3986 Been using cantharides
3987 And the root of their love is much firmer.
3989 There was a young fellow of Greenwich
3990 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
3992 It was wound on a spool,
3993 And he reeled it out inich by inich.
3995 But this tale has an unhappy finich,
3996 For due to the sand in the spinach
3997 His ballocks grew rough
3998 And wrecked his wife's muff,
3999 And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage.
4001 There was a young fellow of Harrow
4002 Whose john was the size of a marrow.
4003 He said to his tart,
4004 "How's this for a start?
4005 My balls are outside in a barrow."
4007 There was a young fellow of Kent
4008 Whose prick was so long that it bent,
4009 So to save himself trouble
4010 He put it in double,
4011 And instead of coming he went.
4013 There was a young fellow of Mayence
4014 Who fucked his own arse in defiance
4016 And morals, dad-bust him,
4017 But of most of the known laws of science.
4019 There was a young fellow of Perth
4020 Whose balls were the finest on earth.
4021 They grew to such size
4022 That one won a prize,
4023 And goodness knows what they were worth.
4025 There was a young fellow of Strensall
4026 Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil.
4027 On the night of his wedding
4028 It went through the bedding,
4029 And shattered the chamber utensil.
4031 There was a young fellow of Warwick
4032 Who had reason for feeling euphoric,
4033 For he could by election
4034 Have triune erection:
4035 Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
4037 There was a young fellow whose dong
4038 Was prodigiously massive and long.
4039 On each side of his whang
4041 That attracted a curious throng.
4043 There was a young gaucho named Bruno
4044 Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know.
4046 And a sheep is divine,
4047 But a llama is Numero Uno."
4049 There was a young German named Ringer
4050 Who was screwing an opera singer.
4051 Said he with a grin,
4052 "Well, I've sure got it in!"
4053 Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?"
4055 There was a young girl from Annista
4056 Who dated a lecherous mister.
4057 He fondled her titty,
4058 Got one finger shitty,
4059 Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er.
4061 There was a young girl from Decatur
4062 Who was raped by an alligator.
4063 But no one quite knew
4064 How she relished that screw,
4065 For after he screwed her, he ate her.
4067 There was a young girl from Dundee,
4068 From her fanny there grew a plum tree.
4069 No one ate the nice fruit,
4070 To tell you the truth,
4071 Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot.
4073 There was a young girl from East Lynn
4074 Whose mother ( to save her from sin )
4075 Had filled up her crack
4076 With hard-setting shellac,
4077 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
4079 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
4080 Who said, "You are utterly wrong
4082 Is the largest in China
4083 Just because of your mean little dong."
4085 There was a young girl from Hong Kong
4086 Whose cervical cap was a gong.
4087 She said with a yell,
4088 As a shot rang her bell,
4089 "I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
4091 There was a young girl from Medina
4092 Who could completely control her vagina.
4093 She could twist it around
4094 Like the cunts that are found
4095 In Japan, Manchukuo and China.
4097 There was a young girl from New York
4098 Who plugged up her cunt with a cork.
4100 Made the grade it is true,
4101 But it totally baffled the stork.
4103 Till along came a man who presented
4104 A tool that was strangely indented.
4105 With a dizzying twirl
4106 He punctured that girl,
4107 And thus was the cork-screw invented.
4109 There was a young girl from Peru,
4110 Who noticed her lovers were few;
4111 So she walked out her door
4112 With a fig leaf, no more,
4113 And now she's in bed - with the flu.
4115 There was a young girl from Samoa
4116 Who pledged that no man would know her.
4117 One young fellow tried,
4118 But she wriggled aside,
4119 And he spilled all his spermatozoa.
4121 There was a young girl from Seattle,
4122 Whose hobby was sucking off cattle.
4123 But a bull from the South
4124 Shot a wad in her mouth
4125 That made both her ovaries rattle.
4127 There was a young girl from Siam
4128 Who said to her boyfriend Priam,
4129 "To seduce me, of course,
4130 You'll have to use force,
4131 And thank goodness you're stronger than I am.
4133 There was a young girl from St. Cyr
4134 Whose reflex reactions were queer.
4135 Her escort said, "Mable,
4136 Get up off the table;
4137 That money's to pay for the beer."
4139 There was a young girl from St. Paul
4140 Who went to a newspaper ball.
4141 Her dress caught on fire
4142 And burnt her entire
4143 Front page and sport section and all.
4145 There was a young girl from the Bronix
4146 Who had a vagina of onyx.
4147 She had so much `tsoris'
4149 She traded it in for a Packard.
4151 There was a young girl from the coast
4152 Who, just when she needed it most,
4153 Lost her Kotex and bled
4155 And the head and the beard of her host.
4157 There was a young girl in Berlin
4158 Who eked out a living through sin.
4159 She didn't mind fucking,
4160 But much preferred sucking,
4161 And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin.
4163 There was a young girl in Berlin
4164 Who was fucked by an elderly Finn.
4165 Though he diddled his best,
4166 And fucked her with zest,
4167 She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?"
4169 There was a young girl in Dakota
4170 Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her:
4172 We are rationing ass,
4173 And you've greatly exceeded your quota."
4175 There was a young girl name McKnight
4176 Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night.
4178 With a split maidenhead--
4179 That's the last time she ever was tight.
4181 There was a young girl named Ann Heuser
4182 Who swore that no man could surprise her.
4183 But Pabst took a chance,
4184 Found a Schlitz in her pants,
4185 And now she is sadder Budweiser.
4187 There was a young girl named Heather
4188 Whose twitcher was made out of leather.
4189 She made a queer noise,
4190 Which attracted the boys,
4191 By flapping the edges together.
4193 There was a young girl named McCall
4194 Whose cunt was exceedingly small,
4195 But the size of her anus
4196 Was something quite heinous --
4197 It could hold seven pricks and one ball.
4199 There was a young girl named O'Clare
4200 Whose body was covered with hair.
4201 It was really quite fun
4202 To probe with one's gun,
4203 For her quimmy might be anywhere.
4205 There was a young girl named O'Malley
4206 Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
4207 She got roars of applause
4208 When she kicked off her drawers,
4209 But her hair and her bush didn't tally.
4211 There was a young girl named Sapphire
4212 Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
4213 She said, "It's a sin,
4214 But now that it's in,
4215 Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
4217 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
4218 Who screwed every man that she kissed with.
4219 She tickled the balls
4220 Of the men in the halls,
4221 And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with.
4223 There was a young girl of Aberystwyth
4224 Who took grain to the mill to get grist with.
4225 The miller's sun, Jack,
4226 Laid her flat on her back,
4227 And united the organs they pissed with.
4229 There was a young girl of Angina
4230 Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
4231 From the love-making frock
4232 (With the proper sized cock)
4233 Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor.
4235 There was a young girl of Asturias
4236 With a penchant for practices curious.
4237 She loved to bat rocks
4238 With her gentlemen's cocks --
4239 A practice both rude and injurious.
4241 There was a young girl of Batonger
4242 who diddled herself with a conger,
4243 When asked how it feels
4244 To be pleasured by eels
4245 She said, "Just like a man, only longer.
4247 There was a young girl of Ca'lina,
4248 Had a very capricious vagina:
4249 To the shock of the fucker
4250 "Twould suddenly pucker,
4251 And whistle the chorus of "Dinah."
4253 There was a young girl of Cape Cod
4254 Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.
4255 But it wasn't Jehovah
4256 That turned the girl over,
4257 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,
4258 the bugger, the bastard, the sod!
4260 There was a young girl of Cape Town
4261 Who usually fucked with a clown.
4262 He taught her the trick
4263 Of sucking his prick,
4264 And when it went up -- she went down.
4266 There was a young girl of Coxsaxie
4267 Whose skirt was more mini than maxi.
4268 She was fucked at the show
4269 In the twenty-third row,
4270 And once more going home in the taxi.
4272 There was a young girl of Darjeeling
4273 Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
4274 There was never a sound
4276 Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
4278 There was a young girl of Des Moines
4279 Whose cunt could be fitted with coins,
4280 Till a guy from Hoboken
4281 Went and dropped in a token,
4282 And now she rides free on the ferry.
4284 There was a young girl of Detroit
4285 Who at fucking was very adroit:
4286 She could squeeze her vagina
4287 To a pin-point, or finer,
4288 Or open it out like a quoit.
4290 And she had a friend named Durand
4291 Whose cock could contract or expand.
4292 He could diddle a midge
4293 Or the arch of a bridge --
4294 Their performance together was grand!
4296 There was a young girl of East Lynne
4297 Whose mother, to save her from sin,
4298 Had filled up her crack,
4299 To the brim with shellac,
4300 But the boys picked it out with a pin.
4302 There was a young girl of Gibraltar
4303 Who was raped as she knelt at the altar.
4306 Should answer her prayers and assault her.
4308 There was a young girl of LLewellyn
4309 Whose breasts were as big as a melon.
4310 They were big it is true,
4311 But her cunt was big too,
4312 Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
4313 Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.
4315 There was a young girl of Mobile,
4316 Who hymen was made of chilled steel,
4317 To give her a thrill,
4318 Took a rotary drill,
4319 Or a number nine emery wheel.
4321 There was a young girl of Moline
4322 Whose fucking was sweet and obscene.
4323 She would work on a prick
4324 With every known trick,
4325 And finish by winking it clean.
4327 There was a young girl of Newcastle
4328 Whose charms were declared universal.
4329 While one man in front
4330 Wired into her cunt,
4331 Another was engaged at her arsehole.
4333 There was a young girl of Pawtucket
4334 Whose box was as big as a bucket.
4335 Her boy-friend said, "Toots,
4336 I'll have to wear boots,
4337 For I see I must muck it, not fuck it."
4339 There was a young girl of Penzance
4340 Who boarded a bus in a trance.
4341 The passengers fucked her,
4342 Likewise the conductor,
4343 While the driver shot off in his pants.
4345 There was a young girl of Pitlochry
4346 Who was had by a man in a rockery.
4347 She said, "Oh! You've come
4349 This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery."
4351 There was a young girl of Rangoon
4352 Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon.
4353 "Well, it has been great fun,"
4354 She remarked when he'd done,
4355 "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon."
4357 There was a young girl of Spitzbergen,
4358 Whose people all thought her a virgin,
4359 Till they found her in bed
4360 With her twat very red,
4361 And the head of a kid just emergin'.
4363 There was a young girl who begat
4364 Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat.
4365 T'was fun in the breeding
4366 But hell in the feeding
4367 When she found there's no tit for Tat.
4369 There was a young girl, very sweet,
4370 Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
4371 When she sat on their lap
4372 She unbuttoned their flap,
4373 And always had plenty to eat.
4375 There was a young harlot from Kew
4376 Who filled her vagina with glue.
4377 She said with a grin,
4378 "If they pay to get in,
4379 They'll pay to get out of it too."
4381 There was a young harlot named Schwartz
4382 Whose cock-pit was studded with warts,
4383 And they tickled so nice
4384 She drew a high price
4385 From the studs at the summer resorts.
4387 Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle,
4388 Was seldom hard up for a diddle,
4389 For according to rumor
4390 His tool had a tumor
4391 And a fine row of warts down the middle.
4393 There was a young hayseed from Tiffan
4394 Whose cock would constantly stiffen.
4395 The knob out in front
4397 Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'.
4399 There was a young idler named Blood,
4400 Made a fortune performing at stud,
4401 With a fifteen-inch peter,
4402 A double-beat metre,
4403 And a load like the Biblical Flood.
4405 There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway
4406 Whose screams could be heard for a block away.
4407 Perceiving his error,
4409 Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!"
4411 There was a young lad -- name of Durcan
4412 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
4413 His father said, "Durcan
4414 Stop jerkin' your gherkin
4415 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
4417 There was a young lad from Nahant
4418 Who was made like the Sensitve Plant.
4419 When asked, "Do you fuck?"
4420 He replied, "No such luck.
4421 I would if I could but I can't."
4423 There was a young lad from Siam,
4424 Whose sexlife was caught in a jam.
4425 He loved them real small,
4426 'Cause they're funner to ball,
4427 So he went out and bought him a lamb!
4429 There was a young lad name of Durcan
4430 Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
4431 His father said, "Durcan!
4432 Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
4433 Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
4435 There was a young lad name of Ward
4436 Who strung himself up with a cord
4437 Said he, of his work
4438 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk)
4439 "I am leaving because I am bored."
4442 There was a young lad named McFee
4443 Who was stung in the balls by a bee
4444 He made oodles of money
4445 By oozing pure honey
4446 Every time he attempted to pee.
4448 There was a young lady at sea
4449 Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee."
4450 "I see," said the mate,
4451 "That accounts for the state
4452 Of the captain, the purser, and me."
4454 There was a young lady called Ciss
4455 Who went to the river to piss.
4456 A young man in a punt
4457 Put his hand on her cunt;
4458 No wonder she thought it was bliss.
4460 There was a young lady from Bangor
4461 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor
4463 When she heard the mate say:
4464 "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!"
4466 There was a young lady from Bright,
4467 Whose speed was much faster than light.
4468 She went out one day
4470 And returned on the previous night.
4472 There was a young lady from Bristol
4473 Who went to the Palace called Crystal.
4474 Said she, "It's all glass,
4475 And as round as my ass,"
4476 And she farted as loud as a pistol.
4478 There was a young lady from Brussels
4479 Who was proud of her vaginal muscles.
4480 She could easily plex them
4481 And so interflex them
4482 As to whistle love songs through her bustles.
4484 There was a young lady from Drew
4485 Who ended her verse at line two.
4487 There was a young lady from Dumfries
4488 Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze!
4489 My navel's all bare,
4490 So stick it in there,
4491 Before both my legs and my bum freeze."
4493 There was a young lady from Exeter,
4494 So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
4495 One was even so brave
4496 As to take out and wave
4497 The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
4499 There was a young lady from Hyde
4500 Who ate a green apple and died.
4501 While her lover lamented
4503 And made cider inside her inside.
4505 There was a young lady from Hyde
4506 Who ate a green apple and died.
4507 While her lover lamented
4509 And made cider inside her inside.
4511 There was a young lady from Maine
4512 Who claimed she had men on her brain.
4513 But you knew from the view,
4514 As her abdomen grew,
4515 It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
4517 There was a young lady from Munich
4518 Who had an affair with a eunuch.
4519 At the height of their passion
4520 He dealt her a ration
4521 From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.
4523 There was a young lady from Norway
4524 Who hung by her heels in a doorway.
4525 She told her young man,
4527 I think I've discovered one more way "
4529 There was a young lady from Prentice
4530 Who had an affair with a dentist.
4531 To make things easier
4533 And diddled her, `non compos mentis'.
4535 There was a young lady from Rheims
4536 Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
4537 A friend poked around
4538 And a fly-button found
4539 Lodged tight in her hole so it seems.
4541 There was a young lady from Rio
4542 Who slept with the Fornier trio.
4543 As she dropped her panties
4544 She said, "No andanties
4545 I want this allegro con brio."
4547 There was a young lady from Siam
4548 Who said to her lover, one Kiam,
4549 "You may kiss me of course,
4550 But you'll have to use force.
4551 Though god knows you're stronger than I am."
4553 There was a young lady from Spain
4554 Who demurely undressed on a train.
4555 A helpful young porter
4556 Helped more than he orter,
4557 And she promptly cried "Help me again"
4559 There was a young lady from Spain
4560 Who got sick as she rode on a train;
4561 Not once, but again,
4562 And again, and again,
4563 And again, and again, and again.
4565 There was a young lady from Spain
4566 Whose face was exceedingly plain,
4567 But her cunt had a pucker
4568 That made the men fuck her,
4569 Again, and again, and again.
4571 There was a young lady from Troy
4572 Had a moustache, just like a young boy
4573 Though it tickled to kiss
4574 'Twas a source of much bliss
4575 When she used it to brush a man's toy.
4577 There was a young lady from Wheeling
4578 Who claimed to lack sexual feeling.
4579 But a cynic named Boris
4580 Just touched her clitoris
4581 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
4583 There was a young lady from Wheeling
4584 Who had a peculiar feeling.
4585 She laid on her back
4586 And tickled her crack
4587 And pissed all over the ceiling.
4589 There was a young lady from Wooster
4590 Who complained that too many men gooster.
4591 So she traded her scanties
4592 For sandpaper panties,
4593 Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter.
4595 There was a young lady in Reno,
4596 Who lost all her dough playing Keno.
4597 But she lay on her back,
4598 And opened her crack,
4599 So now she owns the Casino!
4601 There was a young lady named Alice
4602 Who was known to have peed in a chalice.
4603 'Twas the common belief
4604 It was done for relief,
4605 And not out of protestant malice.
4607 There was a young lady named Astor
4608 Who never let any get past her.
4609 She finally got plenty
4611 Which certainly ought to last her.
4613 There was a young lady named Banker,
4614 Who slept while the ship lay at anchor,
4616 When she heard the mate say,
4617 "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker."
4619 There was a young lady named Blount
4620 Who had a rectangular cunt.
4621 She learned for diversion
4622 Posterior perversion,
4623 Since no one could fit here in front.
4625 There was a young lady named Bower
4626 Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower.
4627 But a poet from Perth
4628 Laid her flat on the earth,
4629 And proceeded with penis to plough her.
4631 There was a young lady named Brent
4632 With a cunt of enormous extent,
4633 And so deep and so wide,
4634 The acoustics inside
4635 Were so good you could hear when you spent.
4637 There was a young lady named Bright
4638 Who could travel much faster than light.
4639 She took off one day,
4641 And returned on the previous night.
4643 There was a young lady named Brook
4644 Who never could learn how to cook.
4646 She could please any man-
4647 She knew every darn trick in the book!
4649 There was a young lady named Cager
4650 Who, as the result of a wager,
4652 The entire oboe part
4653 Of Mozart's quartet in F major.
4655 There was a young lady named Ciss
4656 Who said, "I think skating's a bliss "
4657 But she'll never restate,
4658 For a wheel off her skate
4659 .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM
4661 There was a young lady named Clair
4662 Who possessed a magnificent pair;
4663 At least so I thought
4664 Till I saw one get caught
4665 On a thorn, and begin losing air.
4667 There was a young lady named Dot
4668 Whose cunt was so terribly hot
4669 That ten bishops of Rome
4670 And the Pope's private gnome
4671 Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat.
4673 There was a young lady named Duff
4674 With a lovely, luxuriant muff.
4675 In his haste to get in her
4677 Lost both of his balls in the rough.
4679 There was a young lady named Etta
4680 Who was constantly seen in a swetta.
4681 Three reasons she had:
4682 To keep warm wasn't bad,
4683 But the other two reasons were betta.
4685 There was a young lady named Fleager
4686 Who was terribly, terribly eager
4688 On the tragedy stage,
4689 Though her talents were pitifully meagre.
4692 There was a young lady named Flo
4693 Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
4694 So they tried it all night,
4695 Till he got it just right...
4696 Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
4698 There was a young lady named Flynn
4699 Who thought fornication a sin,
4700 But when she was tight
4701 It seemed quite all right,
4702 So everyone filled her with gin.
4704 There was a young lady named Gilda
4705 Who went on a date with a builder.
4706 He said that he would,
4707 And he could and he should,
4708 And he did and it damn well near killed her.
4710 There was a young lady named Gloria
4711 Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
4712 And then by six men,
4714 And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
4716 There was a young lady named Gloria,
4717 Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
4718 She replied to the chap,
4719 "I'll draw you a map,
4720 Of where others have been to before ya."
4722 There was a young lady named Grace
4723 Who would not take a prick in her "place."
4724 Though she'd kiss it and suck it,
4725 She never would fuck it--
4726 She just couldn't relax face-to-face.
4728 There was a young lady named Hall,
4729 Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
4730 The dress caught on fire
4731 And burned her entire
4732 Front page, sporting section, and all.
4734 There was a young lady named Hatch
4735 Who would always come through in a scratch.
4736 If a guy wouldn't neck her,
4737 She'd grab up his pecker
4738 And shove the damn thing up her snatch.
4740 There was a young lady named Mabel
4741 Who liked to sprawl out on the table,
4742 Then cry to her man,
4743 "Stuff in all you can --
4744 Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able."
4746 There was a young lady named Mandel
4747 Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
4749 On the main village square
4750 And frigging herself with a candle.
4752 There was a young lady named Maud,
4753 A terrible society fraud:
4754 In company, I'm told,
4755 She was distant and cold,
4756 But if you got her alone, Oh God!
4758 There was a young lady named May
4759 Who strolled in a park by the way,
4760 And she met a youg man
4761 Who fucked her and ran --
4762 Now she goes to the park every day.
4764 There was a young lady named Nance
4765 Who learned about fucking in France,
4766 And when you'd insert it
4767 She'd squeeze till she hurt it,
4768 And shoved it right back in your pants.
4770 There was a young lady named Nelly
4771 Whose tits would jiggle like jelly.
4772 They could tickle her twat
4773 Or be tied in a knot,
4774 And could even swat flies on her belly.
4776 There was a young lady named Ransom
4777 Who was rogered three times in a hansom
4778 When she cried out for more
4779 Said a voice from the floor,
4780 "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson
4782 There was a young lady named Riddle
4783 Who had an untouchable middle.
4784 She had many friends
4785 Because of her ends,
4786 Since it isn't the middle you diddle.
4788 There was a young lady named Rose
4789 Who fainted whenever she chose;
4791 While playing croquet,
4792 But was quickly revived with a hose.
4795 There was a young lady named Rose
4796 With erogenous zones in her toes.
4797 She remained onanistic
4798 Till a foot-fetishistic
4799 Young man became one of her beaux.
4801 There was a young lady named Schneider
4802 Who often kept trysts with a spider.
4803 She found a strange bliss,
4804 In the hiss of her piss,
4805 As it strained through the cobwebs inside her.
4807 There was a young lady named Smith
4808 Whose virtue was largely a myth.
4809 She said, "Try as I can
4811 Who it's fun to be virtuous with."
4813 There was a young lady named Twiss
4814 Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
4815 For it tickled her bum
4816 And caused her to come
4817 .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
4819 There was a young lady named Wylde
4820 Who kept herself quite undefiled
4821 By thinking of Jesus;
4822 Contagious diseases;
4823 And the bother of having a child.
4825 There was a young lady of Arden,
4826 The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden.
4827 Said she with a frown,
4828 "I've been sadly let down
4829 By the tool of a fool in a garden."
4831 There was a young lady of Bicester
4832 Who was nicer by far than her sister:
4833 The sister would giggle
4834 And wiggle and jiggle,
4835 But this one would come if you kissed her.
4837 There was a young lady of Brabant
4838 Who slept with an impotent savant.
4839 She admitted, "We shouldn't,
4840 But it turned out he couldn't-
4841 So you can't say we have when we haven't."
4843 There was a young lady of Bude
4844 Who walked down the street in the nude.
4845 A bobby said, "Whattum
4846 Magnificent bottom!"
4847 And slapped it as hard as he could.
4849 There was a young lady of Carmia
4850 Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya.
4852 She would climb in your lab,
4853 So her little base burner could warm ya.
4855 There was a young lady of Dee
4856 Who went down to the river to pee.
4858 Put his hand on her cunt,
4859 And God! how I wish it were me.
4861 There was a young lady of Dee
4862 Whose hymen was split into three.
4863 And when she was diddled
4864 The middle string fiddled :
4865 "Nearer My God To Thee."
4867 There was a young lady of Dexter
4868 Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
4869 For whenever they'd start
4870 He'd unfailingly fart
4871 With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
4873 There was a young lady of Dover
4874 Whose passion was such that it drove her
4875 To cry, when you came,
4876 "Oh dear! What a shame!
4877 Well, now we shall have to start over."
4879 There was a young lady of Ealing
4880 And her lover before her was kneeling.
4881 Said she, "Dearest Jim,
4882 Take your hands off my quim;
4883 I much prefer fucking to feeling."
4885 There was a young lady of fashion
4886 Who had oodles and oodles of passion.
4887 To her lover she said,
4888 As they climbed into bed,
4889 "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!"
4891 There was a young lady of Fez
4892 Who was known to the public as "Jez."
4893 Jezebel was her name,
4894 Sucking cocks was the game
4895 She excelled at (so everyone says).
4897 There was a young lady of Gaza
4898 Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor.
4899 The crabs, in a lump,
4900 Made tracks to her rump --
4901 This passing parade did amaze her.
4903 There was a young lady of Gloucester
4904 Whose friends they thought they had lost her
4905 Till they found on the grass
4906 The marks of her arse,
4907 And the knees of the man who had crossed her.
4909 There was a young lady of Gloucester,
4910 Met a passionate fellow who tossed her.
4911 She wasn't much hurt,
4912 But he dirtied her skirt,
4913 So think of the anguish it cost her.
4915 There was a young lady of Kent,
4916 Who admitted she knew what it meant
4917 When men asked her to dine,
4918 And plied her with wine,
4919 She knew, oh she knew -- but she went!
4921 There was a young lady of Lee
4922 Who scrambled up into a tree,
4924 Her arsehole was bare,
4925 And so was her C U N T.
4927 There was a young lady of Lincoln
4928 Who said that her cunt was a pink'un,
4929 So she had a prick lent her
4930 Which turned it magenta,
4931 This artful old lady of Lincoln.
4933 There was a young lady of Natchez
4934 Who chanced to be born with two snatches,
4935 And she often said, "Shit!
4936 Why, I'd give either tit
4937 For a man with equipment that matches."
4939 There was a young fellow named Locke
4940 Who was born with a two-headed cock.
4941 When he'd fondle the thing
4942 It would rise up and sing
4943 An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
4945 But whether these two ever met
4946 Has not been recorded as yet,
4947 Still, it would be diverting
4948 To see him inserting
4949 His whang while it sang a duet.
4951 There was a young lady of Norway
4952 Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
4953 She said to her beau
4954 "Just look at me, Joe!
4955 I think I've discovered one more way!"
4957 There was a young lady of Rhyll
4958 In an omnibus was taken ill,
4959 So she called the conductor,
4960 Who got in and fucked her,
4961 Which did more good than a pill.
4963 There was a young lady of Spain
4964 Who was fucked by a monk in a drain.
4966 And again and again,
4967 And again and again and again.
4969 There was a young lady of Twickenham
4970 Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em.
4971 On her knees every day
4972 To God she would pray
4973 To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
4975 There was a young lady of Wheeling
4976 Said to her beau, "I've a feeling
4978 Has need of a plug" --
4979 And straightaway she started to peeling.
4981 There was a young lady who said,
4982 As her bridegroom got into the bed,
4983 "I'm tired of this stunt,
4984 That they do with one's cunt,
4985 You can get up my bottom instead."
4987 There was a young lady whose cunt
4988 Could accommodate a small punt.
4989 Her mother said, "Annie,
4990 It matches your fanny,
4991 Which never was that of a runt."
4993 There was a young lady whose thighs,
4994 When spread showed a slit of such size,
4995 And so deep and so wide,
4996 You could play cards inside,
4997 Much to her bridegroom's surprise.
4999 There was a young lass from Surat.
5000 The cheeks of her ass were so fat
5001 That they had to be parted
5002 Whenever she farted,
5003 And also whenever she shat.
5005 There was a young laundress named Wrangle
5006 Whose tits tilted up at an angle.
5007 "They may tickle my chin,"
5008 She said with a grin,
5009 "But at least they keep out of the mangle."
5011 There was a young maiden from Osset
5012 Whose quim was nine inches across it.
5013 Said a young man named Tong,
5014 With tool nine inches long,
5015 "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it."
5017 There was a young man from Bear Ridge
5018 Who had strange ideas about marriage.
5019 He fucked his wife's mother
5020 And sucked off her brother
5021 And ate up her sister's miscarriage.
5023 There was a young man from Bel-Aire
5024 Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
5025 But the banister broke
5026 So he doubled his stroke
5027 And finished her off in mid-air.
5029 There was a young man from Bengal
5030 Who claimed he had only one ball,
5031 But two little bitches
5032 Pulled down this man's breeches
5033 And proved he had nothing at all.
5035 There was a young man from Biloxi
5036 Whose bowels responded to Moxie.
5037 Drinking glass after glass,
5038 He would tune up his ass,
5039 Till he played like the band at the Roxy.
5041 There was a young man from Bombay
5042 Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
5043 But the heat of his prick
5044 Turned it into a brick
5045 And rubbed all his foreskin away.
5047 There was a young man from Boston
5048 Who rode around in an Austin.
5049 There was room for his ass
5050 And a gallon of gas,
5051 But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
5053 There was a young man from Calcutta
5054 Who was heard in his beard to mutter,
5055 "If her Bartholin glands
5056 Don't respond to my hands,
5057 I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."
5059 There was a young man from Dallas
5060 Who had an exceptional phallus.
5061 He couldn't find room
5063 Without rubbing it first with Vitalis.
5065 There was a young man from Dundee
5066 Who buggered an ape in a tree.
5067 The results were quite horrid:
5068 All ass and no forehead,
5069 Three balls and a purple goatee.
5071 There was a young man from East Lizes
5072 Whose balls were of two different sizes
5074 It was no ball at all
5075 The other was large and won prizes.
5077 There was a young man from East Wubley
5078 Whose cock was bifurcated doubly.
5079 Each quadruplicate shaft
5080 Had two balls hanging aft,
5081 And the general effect was quite lovely.
5083 There was a young man from Hong Kong
5084 Who had a trifurcated prong:
5085 A small one for sucking,
5086 A large one for fucking,
5087 And a `boney' for beating a gong.
5089 There was a young man from Glengozzle
5090 Who found a remarkable fossil.
5092 And the wart on the end,
5093 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
5095 There was a young man from Jodhpur
5096 Who found he could easily cure
5099 Served up in a sauce of manure.
5101 There was a young man from Kent
5102 Whose tool was so long that it bent.
5103 To save himself trouble
5105 And instead of coming, he went.
5107 There was a young man from LeDoux,
5108 Whose limericks stopped at line two.
5110 There was a young man from Verdunne.
5112 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one
5113 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please
5114 mail it to "fortune". Ed.]
5116 There was a young man from Lynn
5117 Whose cock was the size of a pin.
5118 Said his girl with a laugh
5119 As she felt his staff,
5120 "This won't be much of a sin."
5122 There was a young man from Maine
5123 Whose prick was as strong as a crane;
5124 It was almost as long,
5125 So he strolled with his dong
5126 Extended in sunshine and rain.
5128 There was a young man from Nantucket
5129 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
5130 But he looked in the glass,
5131 And saw his own ass,
5132 And broke his neck trying to fuck it.
5134 There was a young man from Nantucket
5135 Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
5136 He said with a grin,
5137 While wiping his chin,
5138 "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it."
5140 There was a young man from New Haven
5141 Who had an affair with a raven.
5143 As he wiped off his chin,
5146 There was a young man from Peru,
5147 Who took a long trip by canoe.
5148 While staring at Venus,
5149 And rubbing his penis,
5150 He wound up with a handful of goo.
5152 There was a young man from Purdue
5153 Who was only just learning to screw,
5154 But he hadn't the knack,
5155 And he got too far back --
5156 In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
5158 There was a young man from Racine
5159 Who invented a fucking machine.
5161 It served either sex,
5162 But oh what a bitch to keep clean.
5164 There was a young man from Rangoon
5165 Who used to lament 'neath the moon
5166 That he had the luck
5167 To be born of a fuck
5168 That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
5170 There was a young man from Salinas
5171 Who had an extremely long penis:
5173 When he lay on his cot
5174 It reached from Marin to Martinez.
5176 There was a young man from Seattle
5177 Whose testicles tended to rattle.
5178 He said as he fuck-ed
5179 Some stones in a bucket,
5180 "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll."
5182 There was a young man from Siam
5183 Who said, "I go in with a wham,
5184 But I soon lose my starch
5185 Like the mad month of March,
5186 And the lion comes out like a lamb."
5188 There was a young man from St. Paul's
5189 Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's"
5190 Till he grew such a passion
5191 For feminine fashion
5192 That he knitted a snood for his balls.
5194 There was a young man from Stamboul
5195 Who boasted so torrid a tool
5196 That each female crater
5197 Explored by this satyr
5198 Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.
5200 There was a young man from Tibet--
5201 And this is the strangest one yet--
5202 Whose tool was so long,
5203 So pointed and strong,
5204 He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette".
5206 There was a young man in Havana,
5207 Banged his girl on a player-piana.
5208 At the height of their fever
5209 Her ass hit the lever
5210 And: yes, he has no banana.
5212 There was a young man in Norway,
5213 Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh,
5214 But the air was so frigid
5215 It froze his cock rigid,
5216 And all he could come was frappe.
5218 There was a young man in the choir
5219 Whose penis rose higher and higher,
5220 Till it reached such a height
5221 It was quite out of sight --
5222 But of course you know I'm a liar.
5224 There was a young man named Crockett
5225 Whose balls got caught in a socket.
5226 His wife was a bitch,
5227 Yeah, she threw the switch,
5228 And Crockett went off like a rocket.
5230 There was a young man named Hughes
5231 Who swore off all kinds of booze.
5232 He said, "When I'm muddled
5233 My senses get fuddled,
5234 And I pass up too many screws."
5236 There was a young man named Knute
5237 Who had warts all over his root.
5238 He put acid on these
5239 And now when he pees,
5240 He fingers the thing like a flute.
5242 There was a young man named Laplace
5243 Whose balls were made out of spun glass.
5244 When they banged together
5245 They played "Stormy Weather"
5246 And lightning shot out of his ass.
5248 There was a young man named McNamiter
5249 With a tool of prodigious diameter.
5250 But it wasn't the size
5251 Gave the girls a surprise,
5252 But his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
5254 There was a young man named Rex
5255 Who really was small for his sex.
5256 When tried for exposure
5257 The judge's disclosure
5258 Was "de minimus non curat lex."
5260 There was a young man named Zerubbabel
5261 Who had only one real, and one rubber ball.
5262 When they asked if his pleasure
5263 Was only half measure,
5264 He replied, "That is highly improbable."
5266 There was a young man named Zerubbabub
5267 Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club
5268 But the pride of his life
5269 Were the tits of his wife --
5270 One real, and one India-rubber bub.
5272 There was a young man of Arras
5273 Who stretched himself out on the grass,
5274 And with no little trouble,
5275 He bent himself double,
5276 And stuck his prick well up his ass.
5278 There was a young man of Australia
5279 Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
5282 And a bishop in fullest regalia.
5284 There was a young man of Belgrade
5285 Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade.
5286 I will suck, without charge,
5287 Any cock, if it's large.
5288 If it's small, I expect to be paid."
5290 There was a young man of Belgrade
5291 Who slept with a girl in the trade.
5292 She said to him, "Jack,
5293 Try the hole in the back;
5294 The front one is badly decayed."
5296 There was a young man of Bengal
5297 Who swore he had only one ball,
5298 But two little bitches
5299 Unbuttoned his britches,
5300 And found he had no balls at all.
5302 There was a young man of Bombay
5303 Who buggered his dad once a day.
5304 He said, "I like, rather,
5305 Fucking my father --
5306 He's clean, and there's nothing to pay."
5308 There was a young man of Calcutta,
5309 Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter.
5312 Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter.
5314 There was a young man of Cape Horn
5315 Who wished he had never been born,
5316 And he wouldn't have been
5317 If his father had seen
5318 That the end of the rubber was torn.
5320 There was a young man of Coblenz
5321 Whose ballocks were simply immense:
5322 It took forty-four draymen,
5323 A priest and three laymen
5324 To carry them thither and thence.
5326 There was a young man of Darjeeling
5327 Whose cock reached up to the ceiling.
5328 In the electric light socket,
5329 He'd put it and rock it--
5330 Oh God! What a wonderful feeling!
5332 There was a young man of Devizes,
5333 Whose balls were of different sizes.
5335 It was nothing at all;
5336 The other took numerous prizes.
5338 There was a young man of Dumfries
5339 Who said to his girl, "If you please,
5340 It would give me great bliss
5341 If, while playing with this,
5342 You would pay some attention to these!"
5344 There was a young man of Greenwich
5345 Whose balls were all covered with spinach.
5346 So long was his tool
5347 That it wound round a spool,
5348 And he let it out inach by inach.
5350 There was a young man of high station
5351 Who was found by a pious relation
5352 Making love in a ditch
5353 To -- I won't say a bitch --
5354 But a woman of no reputation.
5356 There was a young man of Khartoum
5357 Who lured a poor girl to her doom.
5358 He not only fucked her,
5359 But buggered and sucked her--
5360 And left her to pay for the room.
5362 There was a young man of Khartoum,
5363 The strength of whose balls was his doom.
5364 So strong was his shootin',
5365 The third law of Newton
5366 Propelled the poor chap to the Moon.
5368 There was a young man of Kildare
5369 Who was fucking a girl on the stair.
5370 The bannister broke,
5371 But he doubled his stroke
5372 And finished her off in mid-air.
5374 There was a young man of Kutki
5375 Who could blink himself off with one eye.
5376 For a while though, he pined,
5377 When his organ declined
5378 To function, because of a stye.
5380 There was a young man of Lahore
5381 Whose prick was one inch and no more.
5382 It was all right for key-holes
5383 And little girl's pee-holes,
5384 But not worth a damn with a whore.
5386 There was a young man of Lake Placid
5387 Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid.
5388 When he wanted to sport
5389 He would have to resort
5390 To injections of sulphuric acid.
5392 There was a young man of Madras
5393 Whose balls were constructed of brass.
5394 When jangled together
5395 They played "Stormy Weather",
5396 And lightning shot out of his ass.
5398 There was a young man of Missouri
5399 Who fucked with a terrible fury.
5400 Till hauled into court
5401 For his beastial sport,
5402 And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
5404 There was a young man of Natal
5405 And Sue was the name of his gal.
5406 One day, north of Aden,
5407 He got his hard rod in,
5408 And came clear up Suez Canal.
5410 There was a young man of Natal
5411 Who was fucking a Hottentot gal.
5412 Said she, "You're a sluggard!"
5413 Said he, "You be buggered!
5414 I like to fuck slow and I shall."
5416 There was a young man of Ostend
5417 Who let a girl play with his end.
5418 She took hold of Rover,
5419 And felt it all over,
5420 And it did what she didn't intend.
5422 There was a young man of Ostend
5423 Whose wife caught him fucking her friend.
5424 "It's no use, my duck,
5425 Interrupting our fuck,
5426 For I'm damned if I draw till I spend."
5428 There was a young man of Saskatchewan,
5429 Whose penis was truly gargantuan.
5430 It was good for large whores,
5431 And for small dinosaurs,
5432 And was rough enough to scratch a match upon.
5434 There was a young man of Seattle
5435 Who bested a bull in a battle.
5436 With fire and gumption
5437 He assumed the bull's function,
5438 And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
5440 There was a young man of St. John's
5441 Who wanted to bugger the swans.
5442 But the loyal hall porter
5443 Said, "Pray take my daughter!
5444 Those birds are reserved for the dons."
5446 There was a young man of Tibet
5447 -- And this is the strangest one yet --
5448 His prick was so long,
5449 And so pointed and strong,
5450 He could bugger six sheep en brochette.
5452 There was a young man of Toulouse
5453 Who had a deficient prepuce,
5454 But the foreskin he lacked
5455 He made up in his sac;
5456 The result was, his balls were too loose.
5458 There was a young man who appeared
5459 To his friends with a full growth of beard;
5460 They at once said, "Although
5461 We can't say why it's so,
5462 The effect is uncommonly weird."
5465 There was a young man who said "God,
5466 I find it exceedingly odd,
5467 That the willow oak tree
5469 When there's no one about in the Quad."
5471 "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
5472 For I'm always about in the Quad;
5473 And that's why the tree,
5475 Signed "Yours faithfully, God."
5477 There was a young man with a fiddle
5478 Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?"
5479 She replied, "Yes, I do,
5480 But prefer to with two --
5481 It's twice as much fun in the middle."
5483 There was a young man with a prick
5484 Which into his wife he would stick
5485 Every morning and night
5486 If it stood up all right --
5487 Not a very remarkable trick.
5489 His wife had a nice little cunt:
5490 It was hairy, and soft, and in front,
5491 And with this she would fuck him,
5492 Though sometimes she'd suck him --
5493 A charming, if commonplace, stunt.
5495 There was a young man with one foot
5496 Who had a very long root.
5499 Is a question exceedingly moot.
5501 There was a young man, name of Fred,
5502 Who spent every Thursday in bed;
5503 He lay with his feet
5504 Outside of the sheet,
5505 And the pillows on top of his head.
5508 There was a young man, name of Saul,
5509 Who was able to bounce either ball,
5510 He could stretch them and snap them,
5511 And juggle and clap them,
5512 Which earned him the plaudits of all.
5514 There was a young miss from Johore
5515 Who'd lie on a mat on the floor;
5517 She'd wobble her fanny,
5518 And drain your nuts dry to the core.
5520 There was a young monk from Siberia
5521 Whose life got drearia' and drearia'
5522 Till he did to a nun
5523 What shouldn't be done
5524 And made her a mother superia'.
5526 There was a young monk of Dundee
5527 Who complained that it hurt him to pee,
5528 He said, "Pax vobiscum,
5529 Now why won't the piss come?
5530 I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p."
5532 There was a young parson of Harwich,
5533 Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
5534 She said, "No, you young goose,
5535 Just try self-abuse.
5536 And the other we'll try after marriage."
5538 There was a young peasant named Gorse
5539 Who fell madly in love with his horse.
5540 Said his wife, "You rapscallion,
5541 That horse is a stallion --
5542 This constitutes grounds for divorce."
5544 There was a young person of Kent
5545 Who was famous wherever he went.
5546 All the way through a fuck,
5547 He would quack like a duck,
5548 And he crowed like a cock when he spent.
5550 There was a young plumber named Lee
5551 Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
5552 She said, "Stop your plumbing,
5553 There's somebody coming"
5554 Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
5556 There was a young poet named Dan,
5557 Whose poetry never would scan.
5558 When told this was so,
5559 He said, "Yes, I know,
5560 It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that
5561 Last line that I can."
5563 There was a young royal marine,
5564 Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen".
5565 When he reached the soprano
5567 And his britches weren't fit to be seen.
5569 There was a young sailor from Brighton,
5570 Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
5571 She replied, "'Pon my soul,
5572 You're in the wrong hole;
5573 There's plenty of room in the right one."
5575 There was a young sapphic named Anna
5576 Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana,
5577 Which she sucked, bit by bit,
5578 From her partner's warm slit,
5579 In the most approved lesbian manner.
5581 There was a young Scot in Madrid
5582 Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid.
5583 When they said, "Are you faint?"
5584 He replied, "No, I ain't,
5585 But I don't feel as good as I did."
5587 There was a young soldier from Munich
5588 Whose penis hung down past his tunic,
5589 And their chops girls would lick
5590 When they thought of his prick,
5591 But alas! he was only a eunuch.
5593 There was a young sportsman named Peel
5594 Who went for a trip on his wheel;
5595 He pedalled for days
5596 Through crepuscular haze,
5597 And returned feeling somewhat unreal.
5600 There was a young squaw of Wohunt
5601 Who possessed a collapsible cunt.
5602 It had many odd uses,
5603 Produced no papooses,
5604 And fitted both giant and runt.
5606 There was a young student from Yale
5607 Who was getting his first piece of tail.
5608 He shoved in his pole,
5609 But in the wrong hole,
5610 And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!"
5612 There was a young tenor named Springer,
5613 Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
5614 He hollered in pain,
5615 As they rolled down the drain,
5616 "There goes my career as a singer!"
5618 There was a young trollop at Yale,
5619 Who had verses tattooed on her tail,
5621 For the sake of the blind,
5622 A duplicate version in Braille.
5624 There was a young whore from Kaloo
5625 Who filled her vagina with glue.
5626 She said with a grin,
5627 "If they pay to get in,
5628 They can pay to get out again too!"
5630 There was a young woman called Pearl
5631 Who quite resembled a churl;
5632 When she asked a young man named Tex
5633 Whether he would like to have sex,
5634 "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?"
5636 There was a young woman from Bude,
5637 Who went for a swim in the nude,
5638 But a man in a punt,
5639 Grabbed at her elbow,
5640 And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property."
5642 There was a young woman in Dee
5643 Who stayed with each man she did see.
5644 When it came to a test
5645 She wished to be best,
5646 And practice makes perfect, you see.
5648 There was a young woman named Alice
5649 Who peed in a Catholic chalice.
5650 She said, "I do this
5651 From a great need to piss,
5652 And not from sectarian malice."
5654 There was a young woman named Ells
5655 Who was subject to curious spells
5656 When got up very oddly,
5657 She'd cry out things ungodly
5658 by the palms in expensive hotels.
5661 There was a young woman named Florence
5662 Who for fucking professed an abhorrence,
5663 But they found her in bed
5664 With her cunt flaming red,
5665 And her poodle-dog spending in torrents.
5667 There was a young woman named Plunnery
5668 Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery.
5669 Till one day unobservant,
5670 She blew up a servant,
5671 And was forced to retire to a nunnery.
5674 There was a young woman named Sutton
5675 Who said, as she carved up the mutton,
5676 "My father preferred
5677 The last sheep in the herd --
5678 This is one of his children I'm cuttin'."
5680 There was a young woman of Cheadle,
5681 Who once gave the clap to a beadle.
5682 Said she, "Does it itch?"
5683 "It does, you damned bitch,
5684 And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle."
5686 There was a young woman of Condover
5687 Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er.
5688 Her pussy was juicy,
5689 Her arse soft and goosey,
5690 But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er.
5692 There was a young woman of Croft
5693 Who played with herself in a loft,
5694 Having reasoned that candles
5695 Could never cause scandals,
5696 Besides which they did not go soft.
5698 Said another young woman of Croft,
5699 Amusing herself in the loft,
5701 Is what I'd choose first --
5702 With bologna you know you've been boffed."
5704 There was a young woman whose stammer
5705 Was atrocious, and so was her grammar;
5706 But they were not improved
5707 When her husband was moved
5708 To knock out her teeth with a hammer.
5711 There was a young woman, quite handsome,
5712 Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom.
5713 When she offered much gold
5714 For release, she was told
5715 That the view was worth more than the ransom.
5717 There was an old abbess quite shocked
5718 To find nuns where the candles were locked.
5719 Said the abbess, "You nuns
5720 Should behave more like guns,
5721 And never go off till you're cocked."
5723 There was an old bishop from Buckingham
5724 Who fell in love with some oysters while shuckingham.
5725 His wife with distain
5726 Could scarcely restrain
5727 That sprightly old bishop from fuckingham.
5729 There was an old count of Swoboda
5730 Who would not pay a whore what he owed her.
5731 So, with great savoir-faire,
5732 She stood on a chair
5733 And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda.
5735 There was an old curate of Hestion
5736 Who'd erect at the slightest suggestion.
5737 But so small was his tool
5738 He could scarce screw a spool,
5739 And a cunt was quite out of the question.
5741 There was an old fellow named Art
5742 Who awoke with a horrible start,
5743 For down by his rump
5745 Of what should have been just a fart.
5747 There was an old fellow named Skinner
5748 Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner.
5749 But still, by and large,
5750 It would always discharge
5751 Once he could just get it in her.
5753 There was an old feminine blighter
5754 Who trained a Chow dog to delight her.
5755 She would cream her own pool
5756 While she sucked off his tool --
5757 How his cock in her cunt would excite her!
5759 There was an old gent from Kentuck
5760 Who boasted a filigreed schmuck,
5762 For fear that one day
5763 He might put it in and get stuck.
5765 There was an old girl of Kilkenny
5766 Whose usual charge was a penny.
5767 For half of that sum
5768 You could finger her bum--
5769 A source of amusement to many.
5771 There was an old harlot from Dijon
5772 Who in her old age got religion.
5773 "When I'm dead & gone,"
5774 Said she, "I'll take on
5775 The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon."
5777 There was an old hermit named Dave
5778 Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
5780 I'm a bit of a shit,
5781 But look at the money I save."
5783 There was an old lady of Bingly
5784 Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly.
5786 A bloke for my twat,
5787 But he seems rather queenly than kingly."
5789 There was an old lady of Glascow,
5790 Whose party proved quite a fiasco.
5791 At nine-thirty, about,
5792 The lights all went out,
5793 Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co.
5795 There was an old lady of Kewry
5796 Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae':
5797 The `introitus vaginae',
5798 Was unnaturally tiny,
5799 And the thought of it filled her with fury.
5801 There was an old lady who lay
5802 With her legs wide apart in the hay,
5803 Then, calling the ploughman,
5804 She said, "Do it now, man!
5805 Don't wait till your hair has turned gray."
5807 There was an old maid from Cape Cod
5808 Who thought all good things came from god.
5809 But it wasn't the almighty
5810 Who lifted her nighty,
5811 It was Roger, the lodger, by god.
5813 There was an old man from Bengal
5814 Who liked to do tricks in the hall.
5816 Was to stand on his dick
5817 While he rolled around on one ball.
5819 There was an old man from Duluth
5820 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
5821 He fucked with his nose
5822 Or his fingers and toes
5823 And he came thru a hole in his tooth.
5825 There was an old man from Fort Drum
5826 Whose son was incredibly dumb.
5827 When he urged him ahead,
5828 He went down instead,
5829 For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
5831 There was an old man of Alsace
5832 Who played the trombone with his ass.
5834 To take out the crap,
5835 But the vapors corroded the brass.
5837 There was an old man of Brienz
5838 The length of whose cock was immense:
5839 With one swerve he could plug
5840 A boy's bottom in Zug,
5841 And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz.
5843 There was an old man of Cajon
5844 Who never could get a good bone.
5845 With the aid of a gland
5846 It grew simply grand;
5847 Now his wife cannot leave it alone.
5849 There was an old man of Calcutta
5850 Who spied through a chink in the shutter.
5851 But all he could see
5852 Was his wife's bare knee,
5853 And the back of the bloke who was up her.
5855 There was an old man of Connaught
5856 Whose prick was remarkably short.
5857 When he got into bed,
5859 "This isn't a prick, it's a wart."
5861 There was an old man of Duddee
5862 Who came home as drunk as could be.
5863 He wound up the clock
5864 With the end of his cock,
5865 And buggered his wife with the key.
5867 There was an old man of Duluth
5868 Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
5869 He fucked with his nose
5870 And with fingers and toes,
5871 And he came through a hole in his tooth.
5873 There was an old man of Hong Kong
5874 Who never did anything wrong.
5875 He would lie on his back
5876 With his head in a sack
5877 And secretly finger his dong.
5879 There was an old man of St. Bees,
5880 Who was stung in the arm by a wasp.
5881 When asked, "Does it hurt?"
5882 He relied, "No, it doesn't.
5883 I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."
5886 There was an old man of Tagore
5887 Whose tool was a yard long or more,
5888 So he wore the damn thing
5890 To keep it from wiping the floor.
5892 There was an Old Man of the Mountain
5893 Who frigged himself into a fountain
5894 Fifteen times had he spent,
5895 Still he wasn't content,
5896 He simply got tired of the counting.
5898 There was an old man of the port
5899 Whose prick was remarkably short.
5900 When he got into bed,
5902 "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
5904 There was an old man who said, "Tush!
5905 My balls always hang in the brush,
5907 Half in and half out,
5908 With a pecker as limber as mush."
5910 There was an old man with a beard
5911 Who said, "It is just what I feared!
5913 Four larks and a wren
5914 Have all built their nests in my beard!"
5916 There was an old person of Ware
5917 Who had an affair with a bear.
5918 He explained, "I don't mind,
5919 For it's gentle and kind,
5920 But I wish it had slightly less hair."
5922 There was an old pirate named Bates
5923 Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
5924 He fell on his cutlass
5925 Which rendered him nutless
5926 And practically useless on dates.
5928 There was an old satyr named Mack
5929 Whose prick had a left handed tack.
5930 If the ladies he loves
5931 Don't spin when he shoves,
5932 Their cervixes frequently crack.
5934 There was an old Scot named McTavish
5935 Who attempted an anthropoid ravish.
5937 Was the wrong sex of ape,
5938 And the anthropoid ravished McTavish.
5940 There was an old whore from Silesia
5941 Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya,
5942 For a slight extra sum
5943 You can go up my bum
5944 But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya."
5946 There was an old whore in the Azores
5947 Whose body was covered with festers & sores.
5948 Why the dogs in the street
5949 Wouldn't eat the green meat
5950 That hung in festoons from her drawers.
5952 There was an old woman of Ghent
5953 Who swore that her cunt had no scent.
5954 She got fucked so often
5955 At last she got rotten,
5956 And didn't she stink when she spent.
5958 There was once a mechanic named Bench
5959 Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench.
5960 With this vibrant device
5961 He could reach, in a trice,
5962 The innermost parts of a wench.
5964 There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel
5965 Who said, "They can all go to hell!
5966 What they do to my wife--
5967 Why it ruins my life;
5968 And the worst is, they all do it well.
5970 There were three ladies of Huxham,
5971 And whenever we meets 'em we fuxham,
5972 And when that game grows stale
5974 And pulls out our pricks and they suxham.
5976 There were three young ladies of Birmingham,
5977 And this is the scandal concerning 'em.
5978 They lifted the frock
5979 And tickled the cock
5980 Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em.
5982 Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool,
5983 He'd been to a good public school,
5984 So he took down their britches
5985 And buggered those bitches
5986 With his ten-inch episcopal tool.
5988 Then up spoke a lady from Kew,
5989 And said, as the Bishop withdrew,
5990 "The vicar is quicker
5991 And thicker and slicker,
5992 And longer and stronger than you."
5993 -- Abuses of the Clergy
5995 There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
5996 Who refers to her quiff as a nook.
5997 It's deep and it's wide,
5998 -- You can curl up inside
5999 With a nice easy chair and a book.
6001 There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu
6002 Who's often been screwed by yours truly,
6003 But now--it's appallin'--
6004 My balls always fall in!
6005 I fear that I've fucked her unduly.
6007 There's a dowager near Sweden Landing
6008 Whose manners are odd and demanding.
6009 It's one of her jests
6010 To suck off her guests --
6011 She hates to keep gentlemen standing.
6013 There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock
6014 Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock,
6015 But her cunt's got a pucker
6016 That's best not to fuck, or
6017 When least you expect it to, it'll lock.
6019 There's a rather odd couple in Herts
6020 Who are cousins (or so each asserts);
6021 Their sex is in doubt
6022 For they're never without
6023 Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts.
6026 There's a sports-minded coed named Sue,
6027 Who's been coxing the varsity crew.
6028 In the shell Sue is great,
6029 But her boyfriend's irate,
6030 When she calls out the stroke as they screw.
6032 There's a tavern in London that's staffed,
6033 By a barmaid who's tops at her craft:
6034 In her striving to please,
6035 She serves ale on her knees,
6036 So the patrons get head with their draft.
6038 There's a very hot babe at the Aggies
6039 Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is.
6040 The seniors go round
6041 Hanging down to the ground,
6042 And one extra-large Soph has to drag his.
6044 There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious,
6045 Since his shocking perversions are various...
6046 He will bugger some lad
6047 With a dildo (the cad!)
6048 While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!"
6050 There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts,
6051 Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz.
6052 When one pireg is shot,
6053 There's that alternate twat,
6054 But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts.
6056 There's an oversexed lady named Whyte
6057 Who insists on a dozen a night.
6058 A fellow named Cheddar
6059 Had the brashness to wed her-
6060 His chance of survival is slight.
6062 There's an unbroken babe from Toronto,
6063 Exceedingly hard to get onto,
6064 But when you get there,
6065 And have parted the hair,
6066 You can fuck her as much as you want to.
6068 They had come in the fugue to the stretto
6069 When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto
6070 Slipped forward and grabbed
6071 Her tresses and stabbed
6072 Her to death with a rusty stiletto.
6075 This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you. So I'll put
6076 "di-dah" for the filthy words:
6078 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
6079 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
6080 di-dah di-dah di-dah?
6081 Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
6082 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
6084 Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz,
6085 Was to do what man normally does,
6086 She declared, "I'm a Soul--
6088 So he shrugged and called someone who was.
6090 Though most of the crewmen are whites,
6091 Uhura has full equal rights.
6092 Her crewmates, you see,
6094 And the way that she fills out her tights.
6096 Though the invalid Saint of Brac
6097 Lay all of his life on his back,
6098 His wife got her share,
6099 And the pilgrims now stare
6100 At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque.
6102 'Tis a custom in Castellamare
6103 To fuck in the back of a lorry.
6104 The chassis and springs
6105 Are like woodwinds and strings
6106 In the midst of a musical soiree.
6108 To a weepy young woman in Thrums
6109 Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes
6110 Of allowing your tears
6111 To fall into my ears -
6112 I think they have rotted the drums."
6115 To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable.
6116 Their fertility was somewhat unstable.
6117 He constructed a bed
6118 Out of tree trunks and said,
6119 "Even adders can multiply on a log table."
6121 To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish!
6122 Your cunt is as big as a dish!"
6123 She replied, "Why, you fool,
6124 With your limp little tool
6125 It's like driving a nail with a fish!"
6127 To his bride said a numskull named Clarence :
6128 "I trust you will show some forbearance.
6130 I picked up from rabbits,
6131 And occasionally watching my parents."
6133 To his bride said economist Fife :
6134 "The semen you'll launch as my wife,
6135 We will salvage and freeze
6136 To resemble goat's cheese,
6137 And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife."
6139 To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective,
6140 "Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
6141 Is your east tit the least bit
6142 The best of your west tit,
6143 Or is it a trick of perspective?"
6145 To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple,
6146 As he poured his post-prandial tipple,
6147 "Your mother's behaviour
6148 Gave pain to Our Saviour,
6149 And that's why He made you a cripple."
6152 Two anglers were fishing off Wight
6153 And his bobber was dipping all night.
6154 Murmured she, with a laugh,
6155 "It's ready to gaff,
6156 But don't break your rod which is light."
6158 A couple was fishing near Clombe
6159 When the maid began looking quite glum,
6160 And said, "Bother the fish!
6162 Which they did -- which was why they had come.
6164 As two consular clerks in Madras
6165 Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
6166 "What a marvelous pole,"
6167 Said she, "but control
6168 Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass."
6170 Two eager young men from Cawnpore
6171 Once buggared and fucked the same whore.
6172 But her partition split
6173 And the blood and the shit
6174 Rolled out in a mess on the floor.
6176 Two roosters in one of our pens
6177 Found their pricks were no larger than wens.
6178 As they looked at their foreskins
6179 And wished they had more skins,
6180 They discovered they'd both become hens.
6182 Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass
6183 S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress;
6184 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life
6185 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid,"
6186 Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass.
6189 Under the spreading chestnut tree
6190 The village smith he sat,
6193 And catching the load in his hat.
6195 Une joile epousetta a Tours
6196 Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours.
6197 Mais le mari disait, "Non!
6198 De trop n'est pas bon!
6199 Mon derriere exige du secours!"
6201 Visas erat: huic geminarum
6202 Dispar modus testicularum:
6205 Jam fecerat altera clarum.
6207 We dedicate this to the cunt,
6208 The kind the broad-minded guys hunt :
6209 All hail to the twat,
6210 Willing, thrilling, and hot,
6211 That wears peckers down, limp and blunt!
6213 We sailed on the good ship Venus,
6214 My God, you should have seen us
6217 And the mast an upright penis
6219 The captain of the lugger
6220 Was known as a filthy bugger
6223 From one ship to another
6225 The first mate's name was Cooper,
6226 By god he was a trooper
6227 He jerked and jerked
6229 Himself into a stupor
6231 The cabin boy was chipper,
6232 A dandy little nipper
6233 He shoved cracked glass
6235 And circumcised the skipper
6237 The captain's wife was Charlotte,
6238 Born and bred a harlot
6241 By morning they were scarlet
6243 The captain's youngest daughter
6244 Slipped into the water
6245 Her plaintive squeals
6247 Had found her sexual quarter
6249 The ship's dog's name was Rover,
6250 They turned the poor beast over
6251 And ground and ground
6253 From Tenerief to Dover
6255 Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse
6256 By all of the lads in his class
6257 He said, with a yawn,
6258 "Now the novelty's gone
6259 And it's only a pain in the ass."
6261 "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp,
6262 "And told my wife to try it on top.
6263 She bounced for an hour,
6264 Till she ran out of power,
6265 And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop."
6267 "Well, madam," the bishop declared,
6268 While the vicar just mumbled and stared,
6269 "'Twere better, perhaps,
6270 In the crypt or the apse,
6271 Because sex in the nave must be shared."
6273 When he tried to inject his huge whanger
6274 A young man aroused his girl's anger.
6275 As they strove in the dark
6276 She was heard to remark,
6277 "What you need is a zeppelin hanger."
6279 When I was a baby, my penis
6280 Was as white as the buttocks of Venus.
6281 But now 'this as red
6282 As her nipples instead--
6283 All because of the feminie genus!
6285 When they asked a pert baggage name Alice,
6286 Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace,
6287 "Was he modest or vain?"
6288 "Was he regal or plain?"
6289 She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!"
6291 When you fuck little Annie in Anza
6292 You get a great bosom bonanza:
6293 Sucking Annie's soft tits
6294 Makes her throw fifty fits,
6295 And the fuck is a sextravaganza!
6297 While his duchess lay practically dead,
6298 The Duke of Daguerrodargue said:
6299 "Can it be this is all?
6300 How puny! How small!
6301 Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed."
6304 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
6305 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
6306 She explained, "They are flat,
6307 But think nothing of that --
6308 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
6310 While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
6311 Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
6312 She explained, "They are flat,
6313 But think nothing of that --
6314 You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
6316 While out on a date in his Fiat,
6317 The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?"
6318 As he bent down to seek,
6319 She let out a shriek:
6320 "That's not where it's likely to be at."
6322 While spending the winter at Pau
6323 Lady Pamela forgot to say "No."
6324 So the head-porter made her
6325 And the second-cook laid her;
6326 The waiters were all hanging low.
6328 While Titian was mixing rose madder,
6329 His model reclined on a ladder.
6330 Her position to Titian
6332 So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er.
6334 While travelling in farthest Tibet,
6335 Lord Irongate found cause to regret
6336 The buttered-up tea,
6338 And the frivolous tourists he met.
6341 Winter is here with his grouch,
6342 The time when you sneeze and you slouch.
6343 You can't take your women
6344 Canoein' or swimmin',
6345 But a lot can be done on a couch.
6347 With his penis in turgid erection,
6348 And aimed at woman's mid-section,
6349 Man looks most uncouth
6350 In that Moment of Truth,
6351 But she sheathes it with loving affection.
6353 You Women's Lib gals won't agree,
6354 But dependent on men you must be:
6356 With a rod firm and trim,
6357 To puggle your water-drains free!
6359 You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham,
6360 Well, here's the new story concerning 'im :
6361 He buggers the choir
6362 As they sing "Ave Maria,"
6363 And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em.
6365 Young Frederick the great was a beaut.
6366 To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute.
6367 If you'll come to my palace,
6368 I'll finger your phallus,
6369 And then I shall blow on your flute."