1 A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
4 A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go.
5 You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better.
8 A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies.
9 Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured
10 him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and
11 quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around
12 above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said,
13 "Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light
14 where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house."
15 So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other
16 flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said,
17 "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be
18 silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck
19 to the flypaper with all the other flies.
21 Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
22 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
24 A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
29 Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory
30 far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message
31 with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit
32 today's minute attention span.
36 Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was
37 driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house
38 in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and
39 unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled
40 children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and
41 his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its
42 pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any
43 personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a
44 wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only
45 course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he
46 drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
48 MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
51 A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
54 "A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
55 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
57 Accidents cause History.
59 If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
60 Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
61 have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
62 could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
63 the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
64 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
66 All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.
69 All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs
70 synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to
71 rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all
72 of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
75 And now for something completely different.
77 And now for something completely the same.
79 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
80 No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
83 As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
84 so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
87 Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with
89 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
91 Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and
92 none of his friends like him either.
95 "Boy, life takes a long time to live."
98 Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band
99 together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a
100 tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo
101 on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others.
102 They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk
103 clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix.
104 Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean
105 well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They
106 like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time,
107 which is all the time.
108 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
110 But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness.
111 I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to
112 kill more than I could eat.
115 "But I don't like Spam!!!!"
117 "But I don't want to go on the cart..."
118 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"
119 "But I'm feeling much better..."
120 "No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
121 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
123 Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
124 point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
125 fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
126 often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
127 from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
128 that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____
\b\b\b\b\bthere. They often
129 wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
131 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
133 Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
135 Death didn't answer. He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks
136 at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.
137 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
139 Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more
140 interesting than it really is.
143 Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he
144 just whipped out a quarter?
147 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
148 sincerely, extremely dangerously.
150 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
151 They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used
152 intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks.
153 They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They
154 used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the
155 bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
156 They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
157 They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
158 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
160 Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
163 Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow
167 Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
168 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
170 Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
173 Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?
176 Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
177 exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." All the
178 other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the
179 wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my
180 wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now. No How
181 about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available. No. How
183 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
185 Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
186 Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
187 Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
188 utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
189 forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
190 are a pretty neat idea ...
191 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
193 First, a few words about tools.
195 Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the
196 laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure
197 yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever
198 walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly
199 smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you,
200 I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
201 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
203 For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in
204 the same room and let them fight it out.
207 From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed
208 with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
209 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
211 God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
213 He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
216 "Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
217 `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
220 Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and
221 *parks* on *driveways*?
224 High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:
225 Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high
226 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it
227 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the
228 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and
229 breakfast cereals, and lima bean-
230 High Priest: Skip a bit, brother.
231 Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take
232 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less.
233 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the
234 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither
235 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is
236 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached,
237 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being
238 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen.
240 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
242 "Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
245 Humorists always sit at the children's table.
248 I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern
250 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
252 I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
253 I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art
254 was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
257 I am two with nature.
260 I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
261 any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at
262 parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
265 "I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
266 "Indeed? Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
267 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
269 I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
272 I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
275 I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.
277 What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
278 grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
279 of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
280 United States would have lost World War II."
281 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
283 "I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now
284 when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
287 I could dance with you till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
288 dance with the cows till you come home.
291 I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
295 I don't get no respect.
297 I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
298 globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
301 I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
304 I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to
305 read, so I got flip-ups.
308 "I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I
309 pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He
310 said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors
311 opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked
312 at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around
313 with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert.
314 Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said
315 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...'
316 The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...
317 It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you
318 attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we
319 would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones,
320 I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick,
321 and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never
325 I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now
326 when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and
327 farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
330 I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
333 I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie
334 theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the
335 other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession
336 stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a
337 long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children
338 $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to
339 a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95.
342 I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet,
346 I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
347 it's going to be up all night.
350 I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I
351 open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the
352 box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get
353 it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I
354 had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend
355 of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a
356 call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone
357 doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I
358 didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
361 I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here,
362 Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
363 and just keeps on typing.
366 I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When
367 I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I...
368 I just... to make a long story short..."
371 I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep
372 it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
375 I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer
376 folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
379 I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
382 I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once
383 in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I
384 got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
387 I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
390 I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident.
394 I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind!
395 The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
398 I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get
399 there, but I'm going first class.
402 "I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what
403 entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
404 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
406 I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at
407 clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
410 I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
413 I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
416 I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
417 on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
420 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
423 "I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
424 "AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly. "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
425 DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
427 "THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
428 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
430 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
433 I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than
434 most western countries.
437 I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going
438 to make a game out of it.
441 I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
442 house and four people died.
445 I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too
446 much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which
447 direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much
448 trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face
450 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
452 I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track
453 and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
455 Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my
456 fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said,
457 "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
458 -- Rodney Dangerfield
460 I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
463 I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces,
465 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
467 I thought using loops was cheating so I programmed my own samples. Then I
468 thought using samples was cheating so I recorded real drums.
470 I then thought that programming it was cheating so I learnt to play drums for
471 real. I then thought using bought drums was cheating so I learnt to make my
474 I then thought that using pre-made skins was cheating so I killed a goat and
475 skinned it. I then thought that that was cheating too, so I grew my own goat
476 from a baby goat. I also think that is cheating but I'm not sure where to go
477 from here. I haven't made any music lately, what with the goat farming and
481 -- Reddit reply to "Do you ever feel like you're cheating by
482 using sample packs?" ( https://is.gd/FbsfS6 )
484 I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
490 I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out.
491 The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80
492 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
494 In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so
495 I never have to go upstairs.
497 I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in
498 front of it in only eight minutes.
501 I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had
502 to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
504 I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks
505 like I'm the only one moving.
507 I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know
508 the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going
509 to be out that long."
511 I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now
512 my car goes 500 miles an hour.
515 I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near
519 I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
520 ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
523 "I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I
524 put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured
525 what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I
526 should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to
527 get off my driveway."
530 I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live
531 around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks."
532 I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
533 She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a
534 chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so
535 you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like
536 that all the time..."
537 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
539 I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy
540 argument about what I considered an Odd number.
543 I was the best I ever had.
546 "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".
549 "I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any
550 questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the
551 speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?
553 He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work
557 "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
558 statues that are in all the other museums."
561 I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment
562 had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
563 "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
564 replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
567 I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me,
568 "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
571 I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
574 I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack,
575 above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
577 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
579 I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
582 I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words.
585 I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
588 I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
591 I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
594 I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
597 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
600 If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
601 have made them cute and furry.
604 If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat?
607 If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
608 in my name at a Swiss bank.
609 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
611 If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
612 people die past the age of a hundred.
615 If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be
616 to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to
617 say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw another party
619 What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake
620 up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
621 indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
622 recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their
623 own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
624 If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door,
625 unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
626 through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure that
627 they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone,
628 your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
631 If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
634 If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it
635 off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
636 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
638 In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
639 sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All those who
640 think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her
641 pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm,
642 please raise your hands. Thank you.
643 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
645 In like a dimwit, out like a light.
648 Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
651 It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
652 they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
653 that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
654 much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
655 had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
656 conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
657 intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
659 Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
660 destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
661 alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
663 -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
665 It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
668 It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be
672 It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
673 probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
674 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
676 It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
679 It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
682 It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
685 Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
686 The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
689 Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving...
690 every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip.
691 I don't remember what it was.
694 Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
695 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
697 Life is wasted on the living.
698 -- The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
700 Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
701 place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few:
703 Q -- Is there life after death?
704 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New
705 Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
706 then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
707 fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
708 spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
709 headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
710 to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I
711 guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
712 as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
715 Man 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good joke is.
717 Man 2: OK, what is the most impo --
719 Man 1: ______
\b\b\b\b\b\bTIMING!
721 "Many have seen Topaxci, God of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the
722 name of shaman," he said. Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and
723 they are called sorcerers. A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the
724 soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters. But none have
725 seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they
727 The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry
728 of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief
729 blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the
731 There was a long silence. Then a slightly shorter silence. Then
732 the old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through
733 upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?"
734 The boy looked at him levelly. "Certainly not," he said.
735 The old man heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness for that," he
736 said. "Neither did I."
737 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
739 Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
740 there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
741 was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
742 completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
745 My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo
746 of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
749 My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
750 later I can ask him what he meant.
753 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wonderous continent known as
754 Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31.
755 We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
756 Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
757 6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
758 6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
759 was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
760 and Knights of Pithiests.
761 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
762 annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
763 which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They
764 weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole.
765 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my
766 pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough
767 word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were
768 imbedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tuscaloosa,
769 but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying.
770 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
771 So we're going back in a few years...
772 -- Julius H. Marx [Groucho]
774 Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
775 God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
776 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
778 Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
781 NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
783 Now is the time for all good men to come to.
786 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
787 to be avoided than harped upon.
788 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being
789 reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might
790 just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something
791 about helping to postpone this reunion.
794 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
797 Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog it's too
801 Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to
802 spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to
803 indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest
804 person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you
805 are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other
806 passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they
807 have plenty of food and water.
808 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
810 "Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
813 Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle
814 made of teeth. It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget.
816 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
818 Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
819 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
821 Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
822 during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
823 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
826 Showing up is 80% of life.
829 Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate
830 it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing
831 cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons".
832 Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt,
833 the economy would collapse overnight. The government would have to
834 intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving,
835 which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls
836 and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force
837 jets, killing and maiming thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you
838 should go along with the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large
839 sum of money and go to a mall.
840 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
842 SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw
843 back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears
844 me because I am beautiful.
845 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
847 Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
848 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
850 The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities.
851 Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to
852 park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also
853 dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big
854 difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES. You're allowed to
855 do anything. You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want.
856 I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup
857 truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie"
858 on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the
859 accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular,
860 whereas I was neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall
862 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
864 The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
867 The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them
871 The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
872 Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
873 automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
876 The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
877 who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
878 -- Benjamin Franklin.
880 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on
881 the subject of towels.
882 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For
883 some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel
884 with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a
885 toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore,
886 the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or
887 a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can
888 hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds,
889 win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be
891 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
893 The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
896 "The pyramid is opening!"
898 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
899 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
900 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
902 The Three Major Kind of Tools
904 * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
905 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
906 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
907 bludgeons, and truncheons.)
909 * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
911 * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
912 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
913 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
914 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
915 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
917 There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull
918 by the tail and face the situation.
921 There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
922 whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
925 There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
926 becoming an endangered synthetic.
929 Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
932 This land is full of trousers!
933 this land is full of mausers!
934 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
937 Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
938 -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
940 TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
941 real fast and freak everybody out.
942 -- Jack Handey, The New Mexican, 1988.
944 Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
947 We have met the enemy, and he is us.
950 We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
951 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
953 What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
954 definitely overpaid for my carpet.
955 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
957 What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse,
958 what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
959 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
961 What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making
965 "What shall we do?" said Twoflower.
966 "Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully. He always held that panic was
967 the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people
968 faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into
969 those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent
970 brute!" and "Here, pussy."
971 -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
973 What's another word for "thesaurus"?
976 When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if
977 I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
980 When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
981 -- Rodney Dangerfield
983 When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well.
984 I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
987 Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
988 is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
989 -- John Kenneth Galbraith
991 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
994 Will Rogers never met you.
996 Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
997 If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your
998 head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
1001 Would you *______
\b\b\b\b\b\breally* want to get on a non-stop flight?
1004 You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
1007 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
1008 airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
1009 deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
1011 "Why, what did she tell you?"
1012 "I don't know, I didn't listen."
1013 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
1015 You may already be a loser.
1016 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
1018 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you
1019 can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
1022 You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
1023 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler
1025 Ah, yes. I remember my first beer.
1026 -- Steve Martin to a heckler
1028 When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
1029 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
1031 FORTUNE'S RANDOM QUOTES FROM MATCH GAME 75, NO. 1:
1033 Gene Rayburn: We'd like to close with a thought for the day, friends ---
1036 Someone: (interrupting) Uh-oh
1038 Gene Rayburn: ...pithy, full of wisdom --- and we call on the Poet
1039 Laureate, Nipsey Russell
1041 Nipsey Russell: The young people are very different today, and there is
1042 one sure way to know: Kids used to ask where they came
1043 from, now they'll tell you where you can go.