3 1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
9 shake with ice and strain into frosted glass.
17 A beer delayed is a beer denied.
19 A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
21 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
23 A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
24 into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
25 and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so
26 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
28 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
30 A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to drink with
34 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
36 Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
37 -- George Bernard Shaw
39 Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. The surest
41 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude"
43 Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
45 Always store beer in a dark place.
48 An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
51 And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
52 because the bars close every time you're thirsty...
54 ... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
57 Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
58 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
60 Because the wine remembers.
62 Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions.
64 Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore.
66 Beggar to well-dressed businessman:
67 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?"
69 Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969
70 judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who
71 doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American
72 history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor
73 at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of
74 them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our
75 victuals being spent and especially our beer."
76 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual
78 Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.
80 Brandy-and-water spoils two good things.
83 But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch!
85 Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
86 Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
87 Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy out of it?
89 Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
90 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
92 Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who aspires to be a hero
93 ... must drink brandy.
96 Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer.
97 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?"
99 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here."
100 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse,
101 me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The
102 passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer,
103 please?" it asked the bartender.
104 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped.
105 "Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?"
106 "No, I'm a frayed knot."
108 Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
109 Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
110 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
112 Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
113 Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
114 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted
116 Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
117 Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
118 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
120 Coach: How's it going, Norm?
121 Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'.
122 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences
124 Sam: What's up, Norm?
125 Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there.
126 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action
128 Coach: What's the story, Norm?
129 Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.
130 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper
132 Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
133 Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
134 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail
136 Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
137 Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
138 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man
140 Sam: What will you have, Norm?
141 Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
142 comes out of that tap.
143 Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
144 Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
145 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner
147 Coach: What's up, Norm?
148 Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
149 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights
151 Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
152 Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
156 Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young.
159 Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
160 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.
162 Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over,
163 Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober.
164 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2
166 Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
168 Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat.
170 Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__
\b\bis* fun trying.
172 Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for
173 instant motor skills.
176 Drinking is not a spectator sport.
179 Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
180 with, that it's compounding a felony.
183 Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a
187 Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
188 people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
189 comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
190 the "nog" comes from.
192 To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
197 2 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin
198 2 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water
199 1/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol
201 Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til
203 Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.)
204 Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing
205 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.)
206 Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol.
207 Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for
209 Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.)
210 Cut into squares and enjoy!
213 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for
214 children under eight years of age.
216 Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
218 Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler.
220 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
221 other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
222 the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres.
224 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
225 to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
226 Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
227 piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
229 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
230 inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
231 other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
232 placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
233 the little hammers strike.
235 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
236 their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
237 Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
239 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
240 you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
241 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
243 Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime.
246 Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17
248 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
249 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
250 Juliet, this bud's for you.
252 FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8
255 1 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder
256 1 cup butter 1 tsp. soda
257 1 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice
258 2 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar
259 2 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts
261 Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
262 select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It
263 must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup
264 of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric
265 mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar
266 and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum is the absolutely highest quality.
267 Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups
268 of fried druit and beat until high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
269 beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking
270 for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a
271 seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
272 Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and
273 strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have.
274 Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until
275 poothtick comes out crean.
277 FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
279 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
280 liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
281 light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
282 drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
284 Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink):
285 fifth of dry red wine
287 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon
291 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds
292 a few pieces of dried orange peel
295 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine
296 for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT
297 the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire
298 strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match.
299 Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve
300 hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup.
301 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only
302 if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish
305 Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank.
307 Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
308 milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
309 sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
310 with all that pep and vitality.
312 Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer.
314 Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
315 relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
316 the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
317 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"
319 He knew the tavernes well in every toun.
322 He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows.
324 "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
327 HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME --
328 Take a shot every time:
330 -- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!"
331 -- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink.
332 -- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery.
333 -- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go).
334 -- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots
335 if it's one of our heroes on the other end).
336 -- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front.
337 -- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and
338 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink).
339 -- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground.
340 -- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13.
341 -- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food).
342 -- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter.
343 -- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape.
344 -- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell".
345 -- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive).
346 -- Lebeau wears his apron.
347 -- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when someone claims that the plan is
349 -- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel.
351 I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.
354 I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink
355 too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
356 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
358 I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good.
361 I drink to make other people interesting.
362 -- George Jean Nathan
364 I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most
365 *__________
\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\b\bhorrifying* 20 minutes of my life!
367 I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record.
368 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words
370 I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
373 I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day.
374 I haven't had time for tobacco since.
377 I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
379 I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
380 -- Alexander Woolcott
382 I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
383 saloonkeepers were Democrats.
385 I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way.
387 I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad
388 thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself.
390 I used to have a drinking problem. Now I love the stuff.
394 I will not get drunk!
396 I will not in public!
398 I will not fall down!
400 I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge.
402 I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks.
404 I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now.
406 I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
409 [Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.]
411 I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol
412 that some thinkle peep I am.
413 It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
415 I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember,
416 when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day!
418 I've always made it a solemn practice to never drink anything stronger
419 than tequila before breakfast.
422 I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.
425 If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
427 If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
429 If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, I would send a barrel or
430 so to my other generals.
431 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant
433 If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
434 -- Edward E. Hippensteel
436 [What brand of ink? Ed.]
438 If you don't drink it, someone else will.
440 If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people.
442 In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin
443 in a very familiar pose -- arms raised above him, leading the country to
444 revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from
445 behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka
446 shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops.
448 It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the
449 ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go.
451 In a bottle, the neck is always at the top.
453 In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is
454 placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker.
456 In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's taste and in a sports car
460 [In wine there is truth.]
463 It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends
464 and getting people under the influence.
467 It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back and party!
468 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space"
470 It's gonna be alright,
471 It's almost midnight,
472 And I've got two more bottles of wine.
474 It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... boy gets
478 It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're
479 madly in love, drunk, or running for office.
481 Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
483 Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference.
485 Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray.
487 Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what
488 disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come
489 sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
491 Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way
492 they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief.
495 Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
498 Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought
499 home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. And you're still
500 drinking ordinary scotch?
502 Look at it this way: Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to
503 forget $26,000 of college education. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch?
505 Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass,
506 and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged
507 Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend
508 grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?"
509 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've
513 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"
516 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?"
518 My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
521 My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago.
524 Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
526 Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water.
528 No, I don't have a drinking problem.
530 I drink, I get drunk, I fall down.
534 [Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
536 Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
537 Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
538 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest
540 Coach: What's up, Normie?
541 Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
542 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
544 Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
546 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
548 [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]
550 Off-screen crowd: Norm!
551 Sam: How the hell do they know him here?
552 Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
553 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity
555 Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
556 Norm: Elope with my wife.
557 -- Cheers, The Triangle
559 Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
560 Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
561 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?
565 Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
566 Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
567 -- Cheers, The Triangle
569 Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
570 Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy,
571 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
572 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle
574 Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
575 Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp.
576 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day
578 [Norm returns from the hospital.]
580 Coach: What's up, Norm?
581 Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
582 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom
584 Sam: What's new, Normie?
585 Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. They're demanding beer.
586 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter
588 Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
589 Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
590 -- Cheers, King of the Hill
592 [Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.]
593 Norm: Afternoon, everybody!
595 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm
597 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
598 Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
599 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible
601 Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
602 Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding.
603 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers.
604 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd
606 Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps.
607 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter
609 Coach: How's life treating you, Norm?
610 Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife.
611 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's
613 Coach: How's life, Norm?
614 Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.
615 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants
617 Norm: Hey, everybody.
618 All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.]
619 Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.]
621 How are you feeling today, Norm?
622 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
623 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
625 Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
626 Norm: Zsa-Zsa marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer.
628 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar
630 Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
631 Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better.
632 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone
634 Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we aren't poets.
636 Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer --
637 it just seems that way.
640 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will
641 be summarily put out.
643 Now is the time for drinking; now the time to beat the earth with
645 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
647 Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
648 tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
651 Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on.
653 Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
654 forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
655 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
657 One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
660 One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick
661 Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car
662 conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the
663 merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see
664 his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar.
665 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her
666 full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has
667 been havin' all these years."
668 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary
669 Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is
670 totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the
671 drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and
672 passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact
673 with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty.
674 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her
675 head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these
676 years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself."
678 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups --
679 alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.
682 PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE!
684 Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer,
685 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment.
687 Police: Good evening, are you the host?
689 Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.
690 Host: About the drugs?
692 Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
693 Police: No, the noise.
694 Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
695 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
696 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
698 Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
699 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
700 ask the host to quiet things down?
701 Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
702 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
703 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
704 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
705 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
708 Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
710 Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
711 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
712 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
713 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
714 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
715 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
716 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
717 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
718 Qualactin Hypermint extract.
719 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve.
720 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
722 (9) Drink... but... very carefully...
724 Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the
727 Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to
731 Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I got
732 started one night when George came home and found one burning in the ashtray."
734 Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
735 Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
738 Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
739 Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead.
742 Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
743 Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room.
746 Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
747 Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
748 Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
749 Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
750 Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
751 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday
753 Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
754 Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
755 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor
757 Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
758 Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
759 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie
761 Sam: What do you say, Norm?
762 Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
763 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice
765 Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
766 Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
767 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up
769 Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
771 Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
772 Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
773 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare
775 Sam: What's going on, Normie?
776 Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in
777 it, and I'll blow out my liver.
778 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone
780 Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?
781 Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut.
782 Found him every couple of blocks.
783 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill
785 Sam: What's new, Norm?
786 Norm: Most of my wife.
787 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One
790 Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
791 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone
793 Coach: What's doing, Norm?
794 Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen
795 to be the guinea pig.
796 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways
798 Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
800 Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
803 SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
804 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
805 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
806 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
807 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be
808 filed 30 days in advance.
810 Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
813 Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
816 Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts.
818 So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as
819 large as it needs to be?
821 Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled.
823 Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the
826 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters
828 Bottle 750 milliliters
829 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters
831 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US
833 Salmanazar 12 bottles
835 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters
836 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters
838 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the
839 largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars
840 to produce and they only made 8 of them.
841 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people.
843 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is
844 unusually pale and clear.
845 Problem: Glass empty.
846 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
848 Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
849 and the front of your shirt is wet.
850 Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
852 Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
853 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
854 -- Bar Troubleshooting
856 Symptom: Everything has gone dark.
857 Fault: The Bar is closing.
858 Action Required: Panic.
860 Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
861 You cannot see the bathroom light.
862 Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
863 Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not,
864 treat yourself to a lie-in.
865 -- Bar Troubleshooting
867 Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty.
868 Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
869 Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
872 Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
873 Fault: Improper bladder control.
874 Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain
875 to the owner about its lack of house training and
876 demand a beer as compensation.
877 -- Bar Troubleshooting
879 Symptom: Floor blurred.
880 Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
881 Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
883 Symptom: Floor moving.
884 Fault: You are being carried out.
885 Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not,
886 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
887 -- Bar Troubleshooting
889 Symptom: Floor swaying.
890 Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey
892 Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
894 Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts
895 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth.
896 Fault: You have fallen forward.
897 Action Required: See above.
899 Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several
900 fluorescent light strips.
901 Fault: You have fallen over backward.
902 Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your
903 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help
904 you get up, lash yourself to bar.
905 -- Bar Troubleshooting
907 Take me drunk, I'm home again!
909 The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.
912 The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to
913 smoke is a right worth dying for.
915 The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction.
917 The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will
921 The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart.
924 The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a
925 business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the
926 lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes
927 of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window,
929 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father.
930 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch."
932 The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to
933 change your name and start a new life in different city.
934 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
936 The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is
937 a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
941 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
943 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
945 The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
949 The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey.
950 By diligent effort, I learned to like it.
953 "The whole world is about three drinks behind."
956 The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and
957 not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.
960 There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
962 There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better.
964 There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel
965 like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't.
967 There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men
968 of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling
969 rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and
970 together we'll face the world.
971 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush"
973 There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation.
975 There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
976 the boss asks for a lift home from the office.
978 These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
979 used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
981 They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!
983 To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
985 To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura
987 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail.
989 Too ripped. Gotta go.
991 Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
993 Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
994 barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
995 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
998 Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic.
1001 We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do.
1004 What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
1007 When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance
1008 the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter knob.
1009 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual
1011 When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons.
1012 A loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
1013 barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
1014 drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
1015 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back
1016 onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto
1017 the bar, "*everybody* pays!"
1019 When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I
1020 have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
1021 slightly over half that quantity of beer.
1022 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
1024 When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
1025 it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
1028 When the cup is full, carry it level.
1030 When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer.
1032 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman
1033 inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?"
1034 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if
1037 Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
1039 Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a
1040 fresh one for a quarter of the price?
1042 Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk.
1043 Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly.
1044 I shall be sober in the morning.
1046 Wonderful day. Your hangover just makes it seem terrible.
1048 Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
1049 Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
1050 Let's just cut to the happy ending.
1051 -- Cheers, Airport V
1053 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
1054 Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
1055 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back
1058 Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
1059 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens
1061 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
1062 Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
1063 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction
1065 Sam: What are you up to Norm?
1066 Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
1067 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh
1069 Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
1070 Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.'
1071 -- Cheers, Loverboyd
1073 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
1074 Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers.
1075 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
1077 Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
1078 Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down.
1079 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah
1081 Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
1082 Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
1083 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2
1085 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
1086 Norm: The warranty on my liver.
1087 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do
1089 Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
1090 Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
1091 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd
1093 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
1094 Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
1095 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife
1097 Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
1099 Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
1100 Norm: No, I meant `pour'.
1101 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3
1103 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story?
1104 Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
1105 -- Cheers, The Proposal
1107 Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
1108 Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
1109 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash
1111 Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
1112 Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody.
1113 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office
1115 Sam: How's life treating you?
1116 Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
1117 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss
1119 Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
1120 Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
1122 Norm: No, for stupid questions.
1123 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie
1125 Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
1126 Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me?
1127 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1
1129 Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson?
1130 Norm: My cheeks on this barstool.
1131 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
1133 Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer?
1134 Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ...
1135 Eh, make that one-thirty.
1136 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2
1138 Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
1141 You can't fall off the floor.
1143 You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
1145 You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
projects / fortune-mod / blob